How (second draft)

[Dris]

Revised / second draft:

How can you judge the one who cries,
calling them weak
when they have the courage to suffer

How can you mock the one who fails,
calling them incapable
when they have the courage to try

How can you ridicule the rejected,
calling then unlovable
when they have the courage to believe

You hack your right arm off
with your own saw,
despising the one who waves at you.
Not maliciously
but only to greet you.

And then you strike them --
you strike them with your left arm
as if it was not that very arm
that caused you to lose the other

A wild caveman, you are
cowering in your abode,
throwing rocks at every passerby,
hoping and praying
that they will never notice
your nakedness

Note: I'm not sure how to structure the "Not maliciously but only to greet you" line

First draft:

How can you judge the one who cries, calling them weak when they have the courage to suffer

How can you mock the one who fails, calling them incapable when they have the courage to try

How can you ridicule the one who is rejected, calling then unlovable when they have the courage to believe

You hack your right arm off with your own saw, despising the one who waves at you. Not maliciously. Only to greet you.

And then you strike them. You strike them with your left arm as if it was not that very arm that caused you to lose the other

You are a wild caveman, cowering in your abode, throwing rocks at every passerby, hoping and praying that they will never notice your nakedness

[Deor Ana Log]

This poem is interesting and engaging, but would benefit by having more line breaks. This makes each word both more impactful, and consise, instead of six lines long lines. Are we attacking those that with harmful and passive intentions more with realizing? I would love you to expand on this question in a revision. Keep writing the revising, because the vision is already great!

[Dris]

This poem is interesting and engaging, but would benefit by having more line breaks. This makes each word both more impactful, and consise, instead of six lines long lines. Are we attacking those that with harmful and passive intentions more with realizing? I would love you to expand on this question in a revision. Keep writing the revising, because the vision is already great!

Thanks for your feedback. I'd love to hear your opinion on my revised version.

[whisperer]

Dris - I've read both renditions of your piece and i love what you did with the line breaks in your second draft. It adds more structure and style to the piece and it reads so much better. 
The "Not maliciously' line is great the way it is. The line break adds just enough of a dramatic pause. You're definitely on the right track and going in the right direction. 

In the first 3 stanzas, I would change "the one who" to "those who" in the opening line. This simple little adjustment changes the recipient subject from a single person to a plural. This keeps consistent with the lines " you strike them with your left arm" and  "throwing rocks at every passerby, hoping and praying that they will never notice". I have also added a suggestion for the last stanza to tighten up the language without (hopefully) losing the essence of the piece. Sometimes less is more. try it in other places of your poem and see what you come up with. Have fun with it.

Original:
A wild caveman, you are 
cowering in your abode,           
throwing rocks at every passerby,          
hoping and praying   
that they will never notice     
your nakedness

Suggestion:
A wild caveman,
cowering,
heaving stones at passerbys
hoping your nakedness
is never revealed.