Transitory Unease

[patrickoday]

Transitory Unease

If life is like water and flows unrestrained, 
How do I adapt when wind turns the vane?

A tough one to ponder, as fog fills the valley, 
How will we move forward with sight so opaque?

I ask you these questions for when the ground shakes,
It will break, it will crumble, but it will remain.

Ice does not fear death for it is just changed,
But with it’s new remnants it has a new name.

You can fight your way out of whatever you please, 
But until you let go, you will never change phase.

Go on as you will but just think of this,
Without money or fame you can still live in bliss.

[dukealien]

Transitory Unease  - Good title, fits the poem and contains a nice alliteration in itself

If life is like water and flows unrestrained, 
How do I adapt when wind turns the vane?  a little catch after "turns" makes the meter fit L1 (it doesn't have to)

A tough one to ponder, as fog fills the valley, 
How will we move forward with sight so opaque?  perhaps "obscured" instead of "opaque"

I ask you these questions for when the ground shakes,
It will break, it will crumble, but it will remain.  good crumbly texture to this line

Ice does not fear death for it is just changed,  concentrate on improving this line - "just" and "is" for something more active and descriptive
But with it’s new remnants it has a new name.  grammatic quibble - it's "its" here, possessive 

You can fight your way out of whatever you please,  perhaps something to do with clinging here to lead into the following line?
But until you let go, you will never change phase.

Go on as you will but just think of this,  perhaps "ponder on" instead of  "think of" - matching meter of the next line will strengthen
Without money or fame you can still live in bliss.  "bliss" isn't foreshadowed, but who cares?  It's a great closing line, turn or not

In basic critique, this is well designed and executed, with the few suggestions (above) offered for consideration.  I do insist (gently) on "its" instead of "it's" in the situation mentioned above - it's not logical, it's just how English has evolved - and evolution will have its way with us.

You might consider restricting line-start capitalization to when it's required by beginning of a sentence, but the extra capitals don't seriously detract.  And in that case, the second-to-last line could end with a colon or em dash, with your ultimate line an uncapitalized continuation of the sentence.  Just a thought.

Good work, looking forward to your edits.

[shady]

I love the flow of this and the theme is apparent. One suggestion is adjusting the 10th line; ending the line with "phase" throws off the flow of the rest of the poem, due to the fact that it impacts the rhyme sequence.

[yourlocalaliyen]

Transitory Unease

If life is like water and flows unrestrained, Good metaphor
How do I adapt when wind turns the vane? Instead of 'I' maybe 'We' if you meant it in a general perspective

A tough one to ponder, as fog fills the valley, What do you mean by fog? The uncertainties of life?
How will we move forward with sight so opaque?

I ask you these questions for when the ground shakes, Maybe instead of 'I' put 'We'? And nix the word 'you'
It will break, it will crumble, but it will remain.

Ice does not fear death for it is just changed, Just confused...what does this mean?
But with it’s new remnants it has a new name. Not it's. Its.

You can fight your way out of whatever you please, 
But until you let go, you will never change phase. 

Go on as you will but just think of this,
Without money or fame you can still live in bliss. Perfection honestly

Sooo, I made some suggestions above. I didn't have much to say about it, and these are just opinions. I loved your poem overall and the message was very moving to me. Please continue to write and I look forward to your next piece.

[tun]

Transitory Unease

If life is like water and flows unrestrained, 
How do I adapt when wind turns the vane?

If life is like water and flows unrestrained, 
How to adapt when wind turns the vane?

A tough one to ponder, as fog fills the valley, 
How will we move forward with sight so opaque?

A tough one to ponder, as fog fills the valley, 
will we move forward with a sight so to tally?

I ask you these questions for when the ground shakes,
It will break, it will crumble, but it will remain.

I ask you these questions for when the ground shakes,
It will break, it will crumble, it will make flakes.

Ice does not fear death for it is just changed,
But with it’s new remnants it has a new name.

Ice does not fear death for it is just changed,
with it’s new remnants it has a new name.

You can fight your way out of whatever you please, 
But until you let go, you will never change phase.

You can fight your way out of whatever you please, 
But until you let go, you will never release.

Go on as you will but just think of this,
Without money or fame you can still live in bliss.