The Silent City of Angels

[Deor Ana Log]

City of Angels/Screens

I awaken banging the glass breaking Los Angeles
From subway to street, block to ceiling, score to scene
My dreams are parents screwing in the perception seat
To the family carriage of cages, bittersweet, legacy
Tapping my nails past and four liquor stores
Icy cracks keeping my dignity while sirens stare
One, Two palms tiptoe with bonnet mascots and broken doors
Sipping, slipping, sagging my eyes are a shooting range
Pressure boiling my climber born with change
Siphoning ideas salinity, strangling invisible beliefs
While my actions chant, “I will ALWAYS be ordinary”

City of Angels/Somewhat

Stay Awake, Los Angeles is the break
Waiting for the faith of libraries and churches-
My cul-de-sac is a dumping ground of purpose
Skipping and sliding through sticky concrete
Locality is lost in my pale image of grease
Culver Steps, Santa Monica Pier, PCH,
Are enclaves that fortify sleepless days
And frozen in the fringe of "outside" LA

City of Angels - Silence

I lay awake woven into the sheets of Los Angeles
Seeing, Sorry, sorry
Sweat lining chapped lips that curve up
Attached to an Abbot Kinney walker
Was that poodle her own pup?
That bomber jacket is a hero’s cape but smaller
Glittery green, a gaping tear, drenched in water
Silence is my SCREAM, so that’s how we speak
Why is it February 14th?

City of Angels - Same

I have awakened with the little Los Angeles
By boba shops and thrift stores wars of wage
Spending every second scouting different days
Just to get through, a higher pay, a PERFECT grade
“Pay respects, then pay up” they all internally say
We brush it off, blinded by being safe, but the life map stays -
Burdened by expectations about now and late
So I can’t indulge in this present like a treat to taste?

City of Angels and Centuries

Los Angeles: Wake UP
To this centuries-old city we inherit
The past isn’t a mirror, it’s a staircase of merit
I am the sum of an immigrant mother
White skin covers my Asian roots under
So why am I seen as the system that kills color?
“I can feel all I want, I just can’t suffer”
“And everything I inherited made me other”

City of Angels and Sections

I awake in this City of Angels, without a choice
Knowing change collects without final voice
As power shifts from skin tone to skin tone
Racism blends like the colors on the rainbow
With every cycle of human history as my defense
Surface level revenge is wrong in every sense
We all boil down to more than our skin
Boil skin down, and we are ALL skeletons

City of Answers
Santa Monica Sunsets should surround an air of action
A dance in the disco ball of American accidents
In this almost ideal world, let us be the accents

City of Action
Learners burn out hour by hour
Their actions really objects of power
Lead in inspiration not expectations
Lock away the ever evolving keyhole of despite
Embrace the sadness keeping us quiet
And be proud of the people who “aren’t quite”

So focused on becoming we forget to be
So why do quiet ones still believe?

City of History

City of Reticence

City of Dreams

I awaken in a Los Angeles, I hope we never leave
Lighting the middleground I strive to see
Children sprinkling poppy seeds from Hollywood to Venice Beach
Let’s turn this city of silence into one of screams
WAKE UP, it’s EVERY street’s time to speak

So I let dust collect my diary
AWAKEN, Awaken, awaken, sleep
Cap a corked up week
Lie, down more than I eat
Feel the length of time
Brushing one cheek
Knotted by sublime in heat
Nape frowning in fiery defeat

City of Angels (To Much To Be)

City of Angels/Come/To/Me

[Deor Ana Log]

Dedicated To Every Silent Dream

[aschueler]

Hello!  I haven't been around a while. Will gently critique what you've written here. I have to admit when reading this I had the album from X (LA) running in my mind.  I spent a month in LA training in a hospital. Can't say I feel in love with city although the people were outstanding.

I have awakened in the actuality of Los Angeles
Moving with the “right” kind of courage, to be and NEVER be above
Sipping my tears while it’s sunny, playing another silent game
Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling on a website; .gov
Listing all of the people who share my name
My fluorescent dreams
Wrapping around my invisible beliefs
Quietly chanting, “I will ALWAYS be ordinary”

Here I found using apostrophe on 'right' distracting, as well caps on NEVER. Would expect that with poetry you could use language to show irony or strength of a word.

Fluorescent dreams is nice, borders on cliche but nice.  I enjoy the doom scrolling type of visual here.  

 Through window after I wake, Los Angeles is the break
Watching, waiting on the faith of churches
My cul-de-sac is a crowded minefield of purpose
So I skip and slide through wet concrete
Locality getting lost in my outward image crease
Big Bear, Malibu, Del Rey, Culver Steps -
Enclaves that fortify sleepless days
Yet are frozen in the fringe of "kind of" LA

Having a rhyme inside this line but no other rhyme structure also is a distraction, almost seems arbitrary to do so. It's a little picky but I don't see churches as having faith so much as church members.

I have awakened with the little Los Angeles
Bourgeoisie boba shop’s still paying minimum wage (is that okay?)
People who spend every second scouting different days
Just to get through, to a higher pay, a PERFECT grade
“Pay respects, then pay up” they all internally say
We brush it off, blinded by being safe, but the life map stays -
Burdened by sacrificial expectations about now and late
So why should I indulge in the present like a treat to taste?

I like this stanza the best, could use tidying but not sure how. Apostrophe at shop's seems wrong. 


Overally, this creates a feel that seems like a common enough theme of being almost lost in a large city, and trying to energize it and one's self to do something. I would say overall theme wise, it's not clear what that something is, but maybe that wasn't the point.  I got busted when I first started posting here about not capitalizing every first word on each stanza.  Just sayin'.

Thanks for posting this!

Mike

[Deor Ana Log]

Thank you for the analysis Aschueler, it really helped my revision process! I have now updated the poem, inhancing it's message and making each line more concise.

[tun]

City of Angels/Screens

I awaken breaking the glass behind Los Angeles
From sidewalk to street, block to building, script to scene
My dreams just passengers in the perception seat 
Tracing my fingertips past the liquor stores
Thin, icy glass caging my dignity while sirens stare
These two palms tiptoe from bonnet mascots to broken doors
Sipping songs from the cloudy sun, my mind is a shooting range
I sink under the pressure of people forged from change
Siphoning salinity from dreams and strangling my invisible beliefs
While my actions chant, “I will ALWAYS be ordinary”

City of Angels/Somewhat

Watching waiting libraries churches
skipping liding sticky purpose

Stay Awake, Los Angeles is the break
Watching, waiting on the faith of libraries and churches
My cul-de-sac is a crowded minefield of purpose
Skipping and sliding through sticky concrete
Locality gets lost in my pale image of grease
Culver Steps, Santa Monica Pier, PCH,
Are enclaves that fortify sleepless days
Yet are frozen in the fringe of "kind of" LA

City of Angels - Silence

sweaty lips curving up
was that poodle her own pup

I lay awake woken into the sheets of Los Angeles
Seeing, Sorry, sorry
Sweat lining chapped lips that curve up
Attached to an Abbot Kinney walker
Was that poodle her own pup?
Her bomber jacket is such a shocker!
Glittery green, a gaping tear, drenched in water
Silence is my SCREAM, so that’s how we speak


City of Angels - Same

I have awakened with the little Los Angeles
With boba shops paying minimum wage (is that okay?)
Spending every second scouting different days
Just to get through, a higher pay, a PERFECT grade
“Pay respects, then pay up” they all internally say
We brush it off, blinded by being safe, but the life map stays -
Burdened by sacrificial expectations about now and late
So why should I indulge in the present like a treat to taste?

City of Angels and Centuries

Los Angeles: Wake UP
To this centuries-old city we inherit
The past isn’t a mirror, it’s a staircase of merit
I am the sum of an immigrant mother
White skin covers my Asian roots under
So why am I seen as the system that kills color?
“I can feel all I want, I just can’t suffer”
“And everything I inherited made me other”

City of Angels and Sections

I awake in this City of Angels, without a choice
Knowing changes collects without a final voice
As power shifts from skin tone to skin tone
Racism blends like the colors on the rainbow
With every cycle of human history as my defense
Surface level revenge is wrong in every sense
We all boil down to more than our skin
Boil skin down, and we are ALL skeletons

City of Answers
Santa Monica Sunsets should surround an air of action
We should drown in the drought of happy accidents
In this almost ideal world, let us be the accents

City of Action
Learners burn out hour by hour
Their actions really objects of power

City of Action
Let us lead in inspiration not expectations
Lock away the ever evolving key of despite
Embrace the sadness keeping everybody quiet
And be proud of the people who “aren’t quite”

So focused on becoming you forget to be
So in the quiet ones we shouldn’t always believe

City of History

City of Reticence

City of Dreams

I awaken in a Los Angeles I hope we never leave
Living through the middleground I strive to see
Children sprinkling poppy seeds from Hollywood to Venice Beach
Let’s turn this city of silence into one of screams
WAKE UP, it’s EVERY street’s time to speak

City of Angels (Come To Me)

I like the idea of the titles and then after each title, all I need is a single rhyming couplet with one driving image. So you get - title, image title, etc. This would give the whole thing a unity of direction and force. 


#
#
#


City of Angels/Screens

Waking breaking script to find
sidewalk to street concrete mind

City of Angels/Somewhat

Watching waiting libraries churches
skipping sliding sticky purpose

City of Angels - Silence

sweaty lips curving up
was that poodle her own pup......

So it would go on like this - a series of baton rounds to pepper and to quell the restive citizenry.

[Deor Ana Log]

I have once more updated the Silent City of Angels, adding another stanza, and revamping the most of the verses that were already there.

[Bobby Francis]

Hello, I am a newbie here so I’ll keep it simple.

I think this is a really nice effort. But can you work on tightening some of the lines? It could aid a lot with the flow of the poem. An example comes with the line “I have awakened with the little Los Angeles.”

You could tighten this lighten and make it active by eliminating “have.” “I awakened…” sounds much better. You can also tighten up lines or help them flow better by eliminating prepositions wherever possible and eliminate articles if possible.

“I awakened with little Los Angeles” sounds better than “I have awakened with the little Los Angeles.” But there is the matter of the preposition with. One way to fix that would be something like “I awakened the instant little Los Angeles did.” Of course, you brought an article back into it but an article is a lesser evil in poetry than prepositions.

Sometimes even if you keep your original wording, playing around with how to restructure and tighten a line could lead to new areas to explore. What if you eliminate both the article snd the preposition and you say “I awakened little Los Angeles.”

Now, admittedly that is not consistent with your apparent intent, but exploring these things might give you new angles to explore or new intents to explore. Now, I don’t write a ton of poetry, but with my best poetry, sometimes, my original intent rarely survives the first draft, and my poem is better off because of it.

I pray this advice does not exceed the mild to moderate critique boundaries of this forum, and I hope you find it useful, if not for this poem, then for a poem in the future.

I humbly apologize if I in anyway offended you.

[busker]

City of Angels/Screens

I awaken banging the glass breaking Los Angeles
From subway to street, block to ceiling, score to scene
My dreams are parents screwing in the perception seat
To the family carriage of cages, bittersweet, legacy ….. by this point I’ve already lost interest. The problem is 'screwing in the perception seat'. I don't know what it means, and I'm not invested in the poem adequately at this point to want to know more. There is no buildup to what is a pretty hard to understand sentence.
In the next line, 'family carriage of cages, bittersweet, legacy...' is just sheer nonsense. Literally. And with a long poem, you can't afford to bore the reader.

Tapping my nails past and four liquor stores
Icy cracks keeping my dignity while sirens stare
One, Two palms tiptoe with bonnet mascots and broken doors
Sipping, slipping, sagging my eyes are a shooting range … same problem as highlighted previoulsy

Pressure boiling my climber born with change
Siphoning ideas salinity, strangling invisible beliefs …. ‘Strangling invisible beliefs’ could also be ‘smothering inaudible fears’, ‘murdering bland orthodoxy’…all rather banal metaphors that don’t work 
While my actions chant, “I will ALWAYS be ordinary” …. The capitalisation is somewhat cringeworthy 

City of Angels/Somewhat

Stay Awake, Los Angeles is the break
Waiting for the faith of libraries and churches-
My cul-de-sac is a dumping ground of purpose
Skipping and sliding through sticky concrete
Locality is lost in my pale image of grease
Culver Steps, Santa Monica Pier, PCH,
Are enclaves that fortify sleepless days
And frozen in the fringe of "outside" LA

City of Angels - Silence

I lay awake woven into the sheets of Los Angeles
Seeing, Sorry, sorry
Sweat lining chapped lips that curve up
Attached to an Abbot Kinney walker
Was that poodle her own pup?
That bomber jacket is a hero’s cape but smaller
Glittery green, a gaping tear, drenched in water
Silence is my SCREAM, so that’s how we speak
Why is it February 14th?

City of Angels - Same

I have awakened with the little Los Angeles
By boba shops and thrift stores wars of wage
Spending every second scouting different days
Just to get through, a higher pay, a PERFECT grade
“Pay respects, then pay up” they all internally say
We brush it off, blinded by being safe, but the life map stays -
Burdened by expectations about now and late
So I can’t indulge in this present like a treat to taste?

City of Angels and Centuries

Los Angeles: Wake UP
To this centuries-old city we inherit
The past isn’t a mirror, it’s a staircase of merit
I am the sum of an immigrant mother
White skin covers my Asian roots under
So why am I seen as the system that kills color?
“I can feel all I want, I just can’t suffer”
“And everything I inherited made me other”

City of Angels and Sections

I awake in this City of Angels, without a choice
Knowing change collects without final voice
As power shifts from skin tone to skin tone
Racism blends like the colors on the rainbow
With every cycle of human history as my defense
Surface level revenge is wrong in every sense
We all boil down to more than our skin
Boil skin down, and we are ALL skeletons

City of Answers
Santa Monica Sunsets should surround an air of action
A dance in the disco ball of American accidents
In this almost ideal world, let us be the accents

City of Action
Learners burn out hour by hour
Their actions really objects of power
Lead in inspiration not expectations
Lock away the ever evolving keyhole of despite
Embrace the sadness keeping us quiet
And be proud of the people who “aren’t quite”

So focused on becoming we forget to be
So why do quiet ones still believe?

City of History

City of Reticence

City of Dreams

I awaken in a Los Angeles, I hope we never leave
Lighting the middleground I strive to see
Children sprinkling poppy seeds from Hollywood to Venice Beach
Let’s turn this city of silence into one of screams
WAKE UP, it’s EVERY street’s time to speak

So I let dust collect my diary
AWAKEN, Awaken, awaken, sleep
Cap a corked up week
Lie, down more than I eat
Feel the length of time
Brushing one cheek
Knotted by sublime in heat
Nape frowning in fiery defeat

City of Angels (To Much To Be)

City of Angels/Come/To/Me

The poem is too long, too rambling, too uninteresting as it stands
Maybe cut it down to a fifth and have a bit more showing, not telling