>>> I’m new here but hope the following comments are constructive and not in any way unfair. I’ve tried to do my best to read this generously and only comment when I think a poem is worth my time and effort and I have something to share.
To The One Who Can't Close His Eyes
Yet you’ve tried to pursue me,
>> Striking that you open with the word “Yet” but I wonder if you mean “Thougth”.
Old man, you could never see the
Ultimate folly: we were not meant to be.
>> So, already I’m trying to figure out this riddle. It feels like it’s a poem to some elemental force. I eventually suspected it’s to Sleep by an insomniac. But I can’t be sure. The acrostic should be the key. “You Will Never Catch Me” is intriguing.
>> A point of style: enjambement is slack, especially given that you’re writing an acrostic which privileges shape and form. Breaking the line on “the” lacks purpose. Ending the line on “see” would be better and demonstrate stronger craft.
Wise, you clearly are not,
Ill-stricken, you surely are.
Lustful lover of me, yet
Loser of thee, for you will never,
>> This is now becoming muddled. The “wise” and “ill-stricken” lines are fine, as is “lustful lover”… Poetically they work. You ruin the effect with “yet loser of thee”? How can “you” lose “thee”? How can the “lusty lover” also lose themselves? Do you mean “me”?
Nestle beside me in the hush of dusk.
>> The best line so far but we also need the full stop. None of this is bad as a riddle, except it doesn’t feel solvable. One better hint at the subject would work and it should come before the reader’s patience is stretched too thin. Then they can read the rest of the poem feeling a little satisfaction as you confirm their guess.
Eyelids drift, but you remain wide and wanting.
>> So whose eyelids are these? Previously you said the figure wouldn’t nestle beside you but now you’re sleepy but they’re wide awake. The simple geography of the scene are confusing regarding where each figure lies or stands.
Veins twitch with grim unrest.
>> Do veins twitch? All these descriptions are cumulatively doing less work. They are piling on to make it harder to work out the conceit.
Every blink denies you my sweet gift.
>> Who is blinking? What’s your sweet gift? Is your “gift” sleep itself and by blinking you’re keeping yourself awake?
Rest, I promised. Yet listening failed.
>> The rhythms of the lines are fine. Even the inverted syntax works. I just wish I knew what this was about.
Can you not see how
Anguish twists in your limbs?
>> You asking if somebody can see anguish twist their limbs? Wouldn’t they be more likely to feel the anguish?
The aches between your temples, you’re a
>> Again, not a good moment to enjamb the line. Either break after “temples” or finish the thought here with “casuality”.
Casualty to my teasing, fleeting hush.
>> Now this is strong. Best line in the poem by a mile. Musical. Would be even better if we knew exactly what this is about. The idea of the insomniac teasing sleep is deliciously playful.
Help me, help you, sleep forever more.
>> First half is strong. The second half risks cliché. Do you really want to sleep forever? Could this poem really be about Death? But, if so, why the acrostic message? Nothing escapes death.
My long-lost friend, could you never tell?
Eternal slumber waits at the end of your waking knell.
>> “Knell” is a poetry word. You’d never see it anywhere else. It’s the sound of a bell. I suspect you meant or originally wrote “hell”. “Waking hell” makes sense. It’s a common phrase. “Waking knell” looks good but feels meaningless. By implying a bell, you’re invoking Donne’s ‘For Whom the Bell Tolls’ which is explicitly about death.
The poem’s central idea is very strong but excessive vagueness, slack enjambment, and a meandering logic undermine the effect. Even after reading this a few dozen times, I still can’t be sure it is about sleep. It could be about death, but that would introduce different logical problems.
Hope this is helpful and thank you for posting it. I enjoyed reading it. Just hope I guessed right and it was about sleep!
