Dangling Carrot

[carahmellow]

I have been sitting here trying to write my explanation of this poem, and to no avail, I keep failing. It's my thoughts on desire and the human condition... this idea that we need to want something, but also not have it at the same time... to keep us going essentially, to give our existence meaning. The dangling carrot idea. I just can't seem to get it quite right. It's that problem I'm sure you have all had where you try to fit a big idea into a little poem... and it's hard to do. Any ideas would be great. I am my own worst critic, and when I have an idea... I obsess for WAY too long. I should probably just put his poem to the side and come back to it another day... I have read it too many times, and now it just sounds bad to me.... we've all been there.

Dangling Carrot

Purpose comes
with a goal in sight,
and belief that
attaining it
will make things right.

Desire drives motivation,
it gives you a game to play,
but you would not 
want to play the game
if the reward 
was taken away.

If you obtained the reward
without the work,
it also 
wouldn't fulfill you,
because the game is also a perk;
an activity 
that holds value.

The reward is just a goal, you see—
an absence 
to drive your soul.
You need to want to have the gold
while also 
having its hole.

[busker]

Hi carah - some thoughts:

1. This sort of didactic poem works best with classic, regular rhyme. It’s a lot of telling, and for that to be justified in a poem, there has to be some other exhibition of craft, like rhyme and meter. Loosely rhyming poems that also purport to teach give the impression of the author being a lazy teacher. That’s just my opinion, of course
2. There are different ways to say what you want to say. One is to write a didactic poem. Another is to have the meaning - the moral of story, as it were, slip out more subtly. Such a poem would look quite different, and is not what you’re going for here. So let’s ignore it.
3. It would be nice to have a carrot reference in the poem, to ground the title at two levels

[brynmawr1]

Hi CarahM,

I like your poem as written structurally, but it falls into the trap of preachiness.  Something that I don't think the author intended.  Some don't mind, but others can find it most off putting.  I am in the middle.  If I may, what the author is doing here is trying to explore the idea of how reward drives us.  So make the poem an act of exploration.  Don't look for an answer, explore the questions of how reward can motivate and suppress.  Explicitly what I am saying is rather than make statements, ask questions that help take the reader on the journey or exploration.  Personally, I would lose the rhyme but you are pretty good at it.
My non-expert opinion,
bryn

[Poet-dude-ig]

I'm a bit new to critique-ing, so this is my first critique.

This poem does an amazing job in exploring the idea of working for the carrot while emphasizing the worthlessness of the carrot when it comes easily.
One thing that I thought of to explain your message in the poem could be some imagery of an adventurer or superhero in a movie has no conflict, the fact that they find the treasure in the jungle or defeat the big bad brings about discontentment rather than happiness.

One of the best things I've taken to heart in my poem writing journey is the idea that you should "show not tell",, but it's always hard to think of it that way. Just like in the ideas I gave about the adventurer and superhero, the reader may feel a bit discontent if they are simply told what to think rather than shown why they should think that way.

I hope you have an amazing day; I love this poem.

Sincerely,
poet dude I guess

[carahmellow]

Thanks, everyone for the critique. So I ended up re-writing this poem a lot and I think one of the main issues with it was using "you" instead of "I". Just changing that made a big difference and made it feel less preachy. I also played around with some metaphors... but in the end, I scrapped it all together. Sometimes you just need to move on and try again... which I plan to eventually.