Delete please

[mariematisse]

Delete please

[Knot]

Hi mariematisse.

Enjoyed the read, but I think your title is doing too much work, it makes the poem feel almost redundant, which is a shame.
I thought L5-7 were the weakest part (almost clichéd)
and I couldn't work out why L11 began with 'of' (what does that connect back to?)
Liked the ending (though, a line by itself after all those couplets? I'm not sure that one's weighty enough to carry all that. Is she laughing to herself, at the world?)


Best, Knot

.

[mariematisse]

Hi mariematisse.

Enjoyed the read, but I think your title is doing too much work, it makes the poem feel almost redundant, which is a shame.
I thought L5-7 were the weakest part (almost clichéd)
and I couldn't work out why L11 began with 'of' (what does that connect back to?)
Liked the ending (though, a line by itself after all those couplets? I'm not sure that one's weighty enough to carry all that. Is she laughing to herself, at the world?)


Best, Knot

.

I appreciate your comments., I've completely rethought the poem

[Knot]

Hi mariematisse.

I preferred the original, I'm afraid. There's a bit too much telling here, and moving from earth to mud to soil (and then to soil again) just left me confused. What's the difference (to the speaker) in the terms?

Two thoughts:
change the title, I'd suggest translating 'Irish Rain' into Gaelic (Báisteach na hÉireann according to online translators)
And,

and devours
sorrows -

even those
of the dark girl

laughing
in the Irish rain.


Best, Knot.

[dukealien]

Hi mariematisse.

I preferred the original, I'm afraid. There's a bit too much telling here, and moving from earth to mud to soil (and then to soil again) just left me confused. What's the difference (to the speaker) in the terms?

Two thoughts:
change the title, I'd suggest translating 'Irish Rain' into Gaelic (Báisteach na hÉireann according to online translators)
And,

and devours
sorrows -

even those
of the dark girl

laughing
in the Irish rain.


Best, Knot.

Oh, snap!  Missed the whole thing with only these palimpsests to tantalize. 

[Tiger the Lion]

Delete please

Deleting a poem after it has already received thoughtful input from members goes against the spirit of the site. In future you can thank everyone for their time and let them know you are stepping away from the piece. A Mod will happily "close" the thread for you if you ask. - Admin.