A Snack - Revision

[Valerie Please]

A praying mantis
scaled a knockout rose
snatching the intoxicated bees 
— Such hot pink tones and heady nose!

He grew fat feasting,
scaling up in size
munching at apiary apples
— His cold stare straight into my eyes.

Now you stare at me,
the apple of my eye,
the pull on my heart string,
the bee hum in my chest,
— Crunch, crunch.

[busker]

I’m in love with this poem
“Bee hum in my chest” is gold

Also:

"crunching bees
like apples"

[Valerie Please]

Thank you!

I’m in love with this poem
“Bee hum in my chest” is gold

[Bunx]

This is so fun! I wondering if it's another praying mantis
Or a venus fly trap

[Knot]

Hi Valerie.

Enjoyed, though I think, perhaps, the 'crunch crunch' at the end it a step too far. It undercuts the excellent preceding line (which would be a much, much better final line.) Besides, you have 'crunching' earlier. That said, f you must crunch, the perhaps that's the title?
Bee hum is great (as has been mentioned) - reminded me of 'bee-loud' from Yeat's Lake Isle of Innisfree (perhpas you might hyphenate it?)

A praying mantis
scaled a knockout rose
— Such hot pink tones and heady nose!
snatching the .......................wondered if there's anything better than 'snatching' (even 'grabbing' might be an improvement. Possibly 'reaching / for the intoxicated bees'? Ending the line with 'the' seems ... odd, given you have 'luxuriating' in the next verse. )
intoxicated bees

He grew fat feasting,
luxuriating,
— He stared straight into my eyes.
crunching bees
like apples

Just like you
stare at me,
vacant and hard,
the apple of my eye,
the flutter of my heart, ..........do you need this line? It's the weakest of the three and I don't think you need the cliche, not after the preceding line.)
the bee hum in my chest.


'Vacant and hard' is nice, but maybe this verse also needs an aside, like the previous two? Might it be tweaked in that direction?


Best, Knot


.

[Valerie Please]

Knot,

It's good feedback. I think that I do need to make the first and second stanzas more coherent with each other . . . crunch crunch is the punchline, but I'll think about it without. Thank you for the read and the response.

xo,
Val

Hi Valerie.

Enjoyed, though I think, perhaps, the 'crunch crunch' at the end it a step too far. It undercuts the excellent preceding line (which would be a much, much better final line.) Besides, you have 'crunching' earlier. That said, f you must crunch, the perhaps that's the title?
Bee hum is great (as has been mentioned) - reminded me of 'bee-loud' from Yeat's Lake Isle of Innisfree (perhpas you might hyphenate it?)

A praying mantis
scaled a knockout rose
— Such hot pink tones and heady nose!
snatching the .......................wondered if there's anything better than 'snatching' (even 'grabbing' might be an improvement. Possibly 'reaching / for the intoxicated bees'? Ending the line with 'the' seems ... odd, given you have 'luxuriating' in the next verse. )
intoxicated bees

He grew fat feasting,
luxuriating,
— He stared straight into my eyes.
crunching bees
like apples

Just like you
stare at me,
vacant and hard,
the apple of my eye,
the flutter of my heart, ..........do you need this line? It's the weakest of the three and I don't think you need the cliche, not after the preceding line.)
the bee hum in my chest.


'Vacant and hard' is nice, but maybe this verse also needs an aside, like the previous two? Might it be tweaked in that direction?


Best, Knot


.

[Knot]

Hi Val,

rather more miss than hit, for me.

A praying mantis

scaled a knockout rose

snatching the intoxicated bees ............... bit bothered by scaled/snatching (tenses.) Why not

A praying mantis

scales a knockout rose

pinning the intoxicated bees

?

— Such hot pink tones and heady nose!

He grew fat feasting,

scaling up in size

munching at apiary apples .................... I prefer the original, this just seems unnecessarily convoluted (in it's phrasing) and 'scaling up in size' (first 'scaled' now 'scaling' but in S3, nothing?) seems to be in the wrong place. To me it refers to the transition from the mantis to 'you'.

growing fat

crunching

bees like apples

?

— His cold stare straight into my eyes. ........ tad odd, grammatically isn't it? And 'cold stare' is too much the cliche.

Now you stare at me,

the apple of my eye,

the pull on my heart string,

the bee hum in my chest,

— Crunch, crunch. .............................. I know you see it as a punchline, but it isn't, for me. It feels tonally wrong. (And why does this verse have an extra line? You really don't need 'heart string'.)

Now you stare at me,

the apple of my eye

the bee-hum in my chest

— and bite.

?

Best, Knot

.

[Valerie Please]

Knot,
I have to ask you at this point: why do you hate the word snatching so much? Grabbing, grasping are ok but they aren’t snatching. Snatching is fast and greedy and selfish. Pinning isn’t even the same thing. There’s probably more to argue about here, but this resistance to snatching kind of fascinates me. Is it the double entendre? I have to know.

Xo,
Val

quote="Knot" pid='271052' dateline='1725972457']
Hi Val,

rather more miss than hit, for me.

A praying mantis

scaled a knockout rose

snatching the intoxicated bees ............... bit bothered by scaled/snatching (tenses.) Why not

A praying mantis

scales a knockout rose

pinning the intoxicated bees

?

— Such hot pink tones and heady nose!

He grew fat feasting,

scaling up in size

munching at apiary apples .................... I prefer the original, this just seems unnecessarily convoluted (in it's phrasing) and 'scaling up in size' (first 'scaled' now 'scaling' but in S3, nothing?) seems to be in the wrong place. To me it refers to the transition from the mantis to 'you'.

growing fat

crunching

bees like apples

?

— His cold stare straight into my eyes. ........ tad odd, grammatically isn't it? And 'cold stare' is too much the cliche.

Now you stare at me,

the apple of my eye,

the pull on my heart string,

the bee hum in my chest,

— Crunch, crunch. .............................. I know you see it as a punchline, but it isn't, for me. It feels tonally wrong. (And why does this verse have an extra line? You really don't need 'heart string'.)

Now you stare at me,

the apple of my eye

the bee-hum in my chest

— and bite.

?

Best, Knot

.
[/quote]

[busker]

Standard practice is to have the edited version called out as an edit, and previous versions in the body text below, as themselves, or hidden by spoiler tags. It helps the reader navigate, and sometimes there's content in an older version which sounds better, and crits can refer to that more easily.

Coming to the changed version, individual tastes will differ, but my preference was for the original version. I thought it was perfect as it was. The current 'apiary apples' comes across as trying too hard to say something clever. It's also quite a mouthful (pun unintended).

The only thing I would say to the original - and I picked it up from Knot's crit - is that yes, the 'crunch crunch' may be replaced. If you take it out, the poem has a slightly darker ending, but retains its cleverness. If you leave it in, it's a fun and delightful read (and perhaps that's why you posted it in Fun). Both options are fine: they just have different effects.

[Knot]

Hi Val,

'hate' is such a strong term. I just wondered about ambush predators snatching is all, seemed ever so clumsy (of the mantis, not the poet.) But if you're set on it, I'll make no more mention of it ... except plucking?

Now, did someone mention arguing?

Best, Knot