First 5 Days of Heartbreak

[bianca.a.palmisano]

Day 1:
Maybe breath is superfluous.
Anchored to grief like great stones
the lungs collapse
loss constantly arriving
 
Day 2:
Sick with sewage
swallowing boiling anger
there is no room in the kettle of my stomach
for perspective to crest over the burn
 
Day 3:
When the claxons ring out,
tamp down the reverberation with my hands
shivers held in place by tight tendons
that pain might not rend them to rags
 
Day 4:
Who lies to the wind?
Heartbreak floats on it,
featherlight and perfumed
like love, unbothered by its endless circles
 
Day 5:
Resolution is not
serenity in the filtered sun of empty hallways
but footsteps, grinding and heavy
inching forward one hour at a time

[Collapsed We Swear]

Day 1:
Maybe breath is superfluous. —I think this line is superfluous. I know you're trying to get the 4 lines in, but this line is redundant. Especially for how exceptionally good the following three lines are. 
Anchored to grief, like great stones,
the lungs collapse—
loss constantly arriving. —I appreciate lack of punctuation is apparently on the cutting edge of creative expression, but personally, I'd punctuate it. The whole thing—so, I won't mention it again, but it's implied.
 
Day 2:
Sick with sewage
swallowing boiling anger
there is no room in the kettle of my stomach—"there is no room in the kettle of my stomach" is fucking brilliant. I love this line. I want to marry it and have its babies.
for perspective to crest over the burn
 
Day 3:
When the claxons ring out,—now you've started punctuating it. As if you preempted my criticism. 
tamp down the reverberation with my hands
shivers held in place by tight tendons
that pain might not rend them to rags
 
Day 4:
Who lies to the wind?
Heartbreak floats on it,
featherlight and perfumed
like love, unbothered by its endless circles
 
Day 5:
Resolution is not
serenity in the filtered sun of empty hallways
but footsteps, grinding and heavy
inching forward one hour at a time

This is a fine poem. There are moments of pure confident originality—the first couple of stanzas are excellent examples of this. 
Some of the word choices and turns of phrase are a little "boring" or sentimental—filler-ish. But on the whole it's very well written, demonstrating a good, above-foundational, grasp of language and how to manipulate it.

[Knot]

Hi Bianca,
as CWS says, there are some strong lines here, and a little pruning might allow them to shine (though I think Day 4 needs a reworking, to match the quality of the rest. Though perhaps the question works well on its own?)
I don't think you need to use Day X, a reader can infer this from the title.



First 5 Days of Heartbreak


Anchored to grief like great stones
the lungs collapse with loss

in the kettle of my stomach
there is no room for anything but anger

my hands tamp down the reverberation
that pain might not rend them to rags ............... struggle to connect reverberation to rags (beyond the alliteration)

Who lies to the wind?

in the filtered sun of empty hallways ............. not quite sure what 'filtered sun' means.
inching forward one hour at a time



Best, Knot


.

[Mark A Becker]

Hi bianca-
This one could actually be in INTENSIVE because is it already quite polished, and I can tell you've put much thought to it.

The quatrain structure can work without the DAY numbering. That said, try not to be a slave to the form, especially with a poem like like, which conveys a lot of raw emotion. I find myself married to a certain self-imposed form far too often, and find it hard then to break my own 'rules'. The images in this poem are outstanding- rely on them to guide you while trying pare this one down.

Punctuate or not? Pick one or the other.

I'm only going to remove some words, without changing any:


Breath is superfluous.
grief like great stones
lungs collapse
loss constantly arriving

Sick with sewage, swallowing anger
no room in the kettle
of my stomach
to crest over the burn

When claxons ring out
tamp down shivers held
by tight tendons, that pain might not
rend them to rags

Who lies to the wind? I really love this line
Heartbreak floats on it,
featherlight and perfumed
unbothered by endless circles

Resolution is not serenity
in the filtered sun of empty hallways
but footsteps, grinding and heavy
inching forward one hour at a time

[bianca.a.palmisano]

Thanks all! I appreciate the critiques. I'm going to sit on this with some edits and then move it over to intensive crit, now that understand the boards and the kind of feedback to expect.

[DanGWoodle]

Who lies to the wind?

I really appreciated this. The stages of grief feel contrived and scientific. Love is poetry, not something to be studied and defined. Well done.

[FroglovesToad]

Day 1:
Maybe breath is superfluous.   I like the following three lines. I think this line can be changed to fit with the tone of the rest of the lines. 
Anchored to grief like great stones
the lungs collapse
loss constantly arriving
 
Day 2:
Sick with sewage
swallowing boiling anger
there is no room in the kettle of my stomach
for perspective to crest over the burn  This line is so good!
 
Day 3:
When the claxons ring out,   could change to "klaxons"
tamp down the reverberation with my hands
shivers held in place by tight tendons
that pain might not rend them to rags  could change "might" to "may"
 
Day 4:
Who lies to the wind?
Heartbreak floats on it,
featherlight and perfumed like love,
unbothered by its endless circles   I think this format makes the last line hit more, but I like the original format as well
 
Day 5:
Resolution is not
serenity in the filtered sun of empty hallways
but footsteps, grinding and heavy
inching forward one hour at a time These three lines are beautiful, but I think you could experiment a little with the last two lines. 

~This poem seems really polished. I can tell you've put a lot of time into this, great job!! I think you could experiment with changing some parts up to match your own unique voice.