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The Jackal
The Jackal sits across my feet
sleek and black and warming.
When I move, he moves
When I rise, he rises
When I walk, he walks.
Padding softly just before me
softly panting, a
breath of carrion that
momentarily
disturbs my equilibrium.
His paws leave no trace
on carpet, mud, or sand,
but I know he is always there
my ebony companion.
Looking down I see
his sleek dark back
sinuous and silent
like a coal-black river that
flows before me
dragging me behind
He stalks an unknown prey,
greedy teeth savage in
the street light, each bulb
a solitary oasis
surrounded by the dark.
Follow me, he whispers
follow me down into the ground
you will be welcome in my kingdom
there are riches there and
many Jackals to attend you
A throne awaits and you shall be
a Lord in my kingdom
in the Kingdom of the Jackal.
I know he lies but I love him still
my only true companion.
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(08-21-2024, 12:12 AM)JamesG Wrote: The Jackal
The Jackal sits across my feet
sleek and black and warming.
When I move, he moves
When I rise, he rises
When I walk, he walks.
Padding softly just before me
softly panting, a
breath of carrion that
momentarily
disturbs my equilibrium.
His paws leave no trace
on carpet, mud, or sand,
but I know he is always there
my ebony companion.
Looking down I see
his sleek dark back
sinuous and silent
like a coal-black river that
flows before me
dragging me behind
He stalks an unknown prey,
greedy teeth savage in
the street light, each bulb
a solitary oasis
surrounded by the dark.
Follow me, he whispers
follow me down into the ground
you will be welcome in my kingdom
there are riches there and
many Jackals to attend you
A throne awaits and you shall be
a Lord in my kingdom
in the Kingdom of the Jackal.
I know he lies but I love him still
my only true companion.
This is a poem I really like, the imagery is great, the ending is great... it reminded me of Anubias which I am fairly certain was your point. Though the image I have of the jackal is a small black jackal in an imaginary friend sort of presentation. Though his spirit is that of the aforementioned egyptian god.
S2 stood out to me. His in S4 needs to be capitalized... really some punctuation needs tending to throughout.
"His sleek dark black sinuous and silent" kind of threw me off but i loved the stanza so i got over it quickly.
Pfft, I love it overall. Thanks for sharing!
Posts: 42
Threads: 10
Joined: Jul 2024
Thanks for the crit Spruce Moose, you are very kind. Punctuation in poetry is always a difficult one I find, I am never sure whether to punctuate as if I were writing prose or not.
What was that Wilde anecdote
"“Well, Mr. Wilde,” said Oscar’s bugbear one day at lunch, “and pray how have you been passing your morning?” “Oh! I have been immensely busy,” said Oscar with great gravity. “I have spent my whole time over the proof sheets of my book of poems.” The Philistine with a growl inquired the result of that.
“Well, it was very important,” said Oscar. “I took out a comma.” “Indeed,” returned the enemy of literature, “is that all you did?” Oscar, with a sweet smile, said, “By no means; on mature reflection I put back the comma.” This was too much for the Philistine, who took the next train to London." ;0)
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Joined: Apr 2013
Good imagery used here. I'll comment more on the technical or grammar issues
(08-21-2024, 12:12 AM)JamesG Wrote: The Jackal
The Jackal sits across my feet
sleek and black and warming.
When I move, he moves
When I rise, he rises
When I walk, he walks. -- Good opening stanza, don't need to have the second two 'When' capitalised.
Padding softly just before me -- 'ahead of' instead of 'before' to avoid ambiguity
softly panting, a -- repetition of 'softly' could change it or just drop it and the comma and the stanza is good.
breath of carrion that
momentarily
disturbs my equilibrium.
His paws leave no trace
on carpet, mud, or sand, -- is this line necessary?
but I know he is always there -- perhaps enlighten the reader as to how you know he is always there
my ebony companion.
Looking down I see -- this line seems dragged from the next stanza for the sake of keeping five lines in each one, it doesn't seem necessary other than a visual aspect. A four line stanza in the middle would be fine, it's more about line breaks and when to break
Looking down I see
his sleek dark back
sinuous and silent
like a coal-black river that
flows before me
dragging me behind -- this stanza seems a bit awkward. is 'silent' necessary? 'dark', 'black' and 'coal' are all the same. You could rearrange something like
Looking down I see
his sleek sinuous back
like a coal river
that flows before me
dragging me behind.
He stalks an unknown prey,
greedy teeth savage in
the street light, each bulb
a solitary oasis -- don't need 'solitary'
surrounded by the dark.
Follow me, he whispers
follow me down into the ground
you will be welcome in my kingdom
there are riches there and
many Jackals to attend you. -- full stop
A throne awaits and you shall be
a Lord in my kingdom
in the Kingdom of the Jackal.
I know he lies but I love him still
my only true companion.
Just a few thoughts. Overall it's good
Mark
wae aye man ye radgie
