After the Sertraline

[Tiger the Lion]

After the Sertraline

Where once 
you were an unsplit atom

snug in some cubbyhole
where the rent was low 
and no one said boo,

now you're a bloody big bang 
at the door

and I can't say 
I wasn't expecting you.

[Collapsed We Swear]

After the Sertraline

where once 
you were an unsplit atom

snug in some cubbyhole
where the rent was low 
and no one said boo 

now you're a bloody big bang 
at the door

and I can't say 
I wasn't expecting you.

Everything about this poem is really good. Which is why you cleverly posted it in a forum that doesn't require me—or anyone else—to say any more than that.

[brynmawr1]

After the Sertraline

where once 
you were an unsplit atom

snug in some cubbyhole
where the rent was low 
and no one said boo      needs some sort of punctuation here

now you're a bloody big bang 
at the door

and I can't say 
I wasn't expecting you.

Hey Tiger,
I thought we talked about you posting these great poems in non critique forums.   
That said, i am going to critique it.  First I would cut 'the' from the title.
My next sticking point is- that I am glad I didn't post before reading it several more times.
Take care,
Bryn

[busker]

After the Sertraline

where once 
you were an unsplit atom

snug in some cubbyhole
where the rent was low 
and no one said boo 

now you're a bloody big bang 
at the door

and I can't say 
I wasn't expecting you.

Big bang indeed. Sertraline farts are notorious.

[Tiger the Lion]

After the Sertraline

where once 
you were an unsplit atom

snug in some cubbyhole
where the rent was low 
and no one said boo      needs some sort of punctuation here

now you're a bloody big bang 
at the door

and I can't say 
I wasn't expecting you.

Hey Tiger,
I thought we talked about you posting these great poems in non critique forums.   
That said, i am going to critique it.  First I would cut 'the' from the title.
My next sticking point is- that I am glad I didn't post before reading it several more times.
Take care,
Bryn

You're absolutely right. It's an old habit I need to kick. Moving it to Mild.

[RiverNotch]

i don't know what the general lack of punctuation is supposed to do, especially when it ends with a period

might be better to go "when once..." or just cut that first pronoun altogether, though i don't think a one word line would work here -- maybe just do couplets

once you were an unsplit atom
snug in some cubbyhole

where the rent was low...

After the Sertraline

where once 
you were an unsplit atom

snug in some cubbyhole
where the rent was low 
and no one said boo 

now you're a bloody big bang 
at the door

and I can't say 
I wasn't expecting you.

recently i had a week where i ran out of sertraline. i basically got vertigo. it wasn't fun.

[Tiger the Lion]

Not so much an edit as a cleaning up of punctuation as suggested. Trying to figure out how best to strike one of the two instances of "where."

[brynmawr1]

After the Sertraline

Where once 
you were an unsplit atom

snug in some cubbyhole
where the rent was low 
and no one said boo,

now you're a bloody big bang 
at the door

and I can't say 
I wasn't expecting you.

I think if you change the second 'where' to 'when' it works.  That gives it a time stamp of before and after.  Technically, both 'wheres' should be 'whens', but changing the second works better, IMO.  AND, that is a hard pause after 'boo'.  Some sort of wimpy comma isn't cutting it.  Either get rid of the punctuation all together, which would work, or use an emdash, semicolon, or (gasp) a period.  Which, the period best, would emphasize the 'Now'.


Alright, I'm softening on the 'the' in the title.  No I'm not.  That was close.  It doesn't even work as a first line.  I will admit it is not a major issue.  I defer to others, other than you.

Bryn

[JamesG]

The poem has a different meaning once I understood (looked up) what Sertraline was, as I at first thought the poem might be alluding to a person rather than a substance; I assume the ambiguity is intentional?

Personally, I would change the first "where" to "when", and I am not sure the "and no one say boo" line is working, but it is a cool poem nonetheless.