A Serious Question.

[billy]

Where do daffodils go when dead.
Do they sleep or ever dance
with the non-beating heart of William the wordsmith,
and flash upon his inward eye in their thousand,
enshrining him with a jocund company of golden heads.

Do they haste away, and with Herrick
pray at even-song to morn their own demise;
as on the pearls of morning dew they fade
away while other poets weep at noon,
and feel the hours dry like summers rains that pass too soon

[kath3]

Wonderful! ... in it's entirety.
Had to look up jocund which for me, was a hard sound (with the j & c) compared to the overall gentleness of the poem.
Thank you very much.

[billy]

thanks for the kind words kath, i'll see if i can do something about jocund later

[heslopian]

Did you use a certain form for this? Like a metrical pattern or beat? I ask because the syntax seems unusual at times, as though you were moulding your sentences around a structure which they didn't quite fit. That said, this has some wonderful moments, and is on the whole a charming poem, bright and perky and intelligent, a rare combination.

Where do daffodils go when dead. Shouldn't a question mark go here?
Do they sleep or ever dance
with the non-beating heart of William the wordsmith, Is "non-beating" needed? Anyone who understands what reference you're making here, and thus are aware of Wordsworth, should know that he's dead, so I don't really think you need to clarify. I like "William the wordsmith". I always thought his name was funny, like a postman being called "Lenny Letterbox".
and flash upon his inward eye in their thousand, If I'd written this line I would have constructed it like so: "and in their thousands flash upon his inward eye". But I'm not sure if that's a serious piece of critique or just my personal aesthetic choice. Though "thousand" does need to be plural really.
enshrining him with a jocund company of golden heads. Is "a jocund company of" needed? It sounds too contrived, as though the poem is assuring us that it's a poem, and thus can use such phrases.

Do they haste away, and with Herrick
pray at even-song to morn their own demise; Excellent line. Succinct and melancholy. Though again you need a question mark. And "morn" needs a "u" after "o".
as on the pearls of morning dew they fade This sentence reads like its structure was slightly re-arranged so it would sound more poetic. I think it'd seem more natural if you put "they fade" after "as".
away while other poets weep at noon,
and feel the hours dry like summers rains that pass too soon Is "feel" needed? Also "summers" shouldn't be plural. Oh and a full stop is required, though that's very minor of course.

A lot of my changes don't take into account that you may have been going for a classical feel or obeying certain structural rules which I don't recognise. Other than my nits I liked it. It was warm and witty and in retrospect I love the title. Thanks for the read Billy.

[billy]

the 1st verse is a tribute of sorts to the daffodil poem by wordsworth and some words were taken from it. jocund being one of them.

the 2nd was to herricks daffodil poem which again used some of the words/phrases. i thought about making it more modern and decided on if i should stay true to the two poets i plagiarised (almost) now i'm not sure.
your other points are well taken.

[heslopian]

I feel my critique would be better informed if I knew who Herrick was, and if I read "Daffodils" again (I don't think I've looked at it since high school) For the record though, I think you should make it more modern.

[billy]

my intent was to paraphrase but it seems to have backfired

To Daffodils – Robert Herrick

Fair Daffodils, we weep to see
You haste away so soon;
As yet the early-rising sun
Has not attain’d his noon.
Stay, stay,
Until the hasting day
Has run
But to the even-song;
And, having pray’d together, we
Will go with you along.

We have short time to stay, as you,
We have as short a spring;
As quick a growth to meet decay,
As you, or anything.
We die
As your hours do, and dry
Away,
Like to the summer’s rain;
Or as the pearls of morning’s dew,
Ne’er to be found again.

---

"Daffodils" (1804)

I WANDER'D lonely as a cloud

That floats on high o'er vales and hills,

When all at once I saw a crowd,

A host, of golden daffodils;

Beside the lake, beneath the trees,
Fluttering and dancing in the breeze.

Continuous as the stars that shine

And twinkle on the Milky Way,

They stretch'd in never-ending line

Along the margin of a bay:

Ten thousand saw I at a glance,
Tossing their heads in sprightly dance.

The waves beside them danced; but they

Out-did the sparkling waves in glee:

A poet could not but be gay,

In such a jocund company:

I gazed -- and gazed -- but little thought
What wealth the show to me had brought:

For oft, when on my couch I lie

In vacant or in pensive mood,

They flash upon that inward eye

Which is the bliss of solitude;

And then my heart with pleasure fills,
And dances with the daffodils.

By William Wordsworth (1770-1850).

[heslopian]

I f****** adore that Robert Herrick poem. I know you'll probably hate me for this, but I much prefer it to William Wordsworth's. For me it's deeper and more serious.

[billy]

why would i hate you apart from the fact you haven't emptied your 299 post filled trash can hehe.

i think they're chalk and cheese wordsworth revels in the daffs,
herrick uses them as a metaphor for man and ultimately death.

you can sign back in now and change your password

[heslopian]

I think that's why I prefer Herrick. I never really understood Wordsworth. He wrote solely about nature without using it as a metaphor at all. Just objective beauty with no subjective meaning. To me that isn't poetry. But of course I could be wrong. There's probably a whole world of subtext I'm missing with Wordsworth.

[billy]

i see you say that isn't poetry, yet if you try and say what poetry is an objective view has to be in the mix as well. i think it was how wordsworth was objective that made his daffodils poetry, not the fact he was objective.

[heslopian]

I said it isn't poetry to me. I appreciate that for most other people it is, and poetry is notoriously hard to define so it's all incredibly subjective anyway. I don't know. Maybe I'm an idiot. Most people who agree with me on this haven't actually read a Wordsworth poem, but are rather reacting in a knee jerk fashion to everything more than a hundred years old, perhaps so they'll seem rebellious I guess. It's probably no coincidence that these people all worship Bukowski.

[Todd]

Hi Billy,

A lot of these comments will of course be just a reaction and opinion, so take them as such. Here goes:

Where do daffodils go when dead.--I keep wanting to read this as: ...when they die?
Do they sleep or ever dance
with the non-beating heart of William the wordsmith,--I think I would prefer you to use the same phrasing you use with Herrick ("with the non-beating heard of Wordsworth")
and flash upon his inward eye in their thousand,--might sound better as "in the thousands"
enshrining him with a jocund company of golden heads.--this feels like it should end with a question mark?

Do they haste away, and with Herrick--maybe kill the comma and the and I know that changes it up slightly but again more of a feels smoother thing to me
pray at even-song to morn their own demise;--great line. If you make the shift above than maybe change "to" to and...otherwise leave it as it stands
as on the pearls of morning dew they fade--maybe do the homage as: "as these pearls of morning dew that fade". Good line break here by the way.
away while other poets weep at noon,--Other is a very nice touch herer
and feel the hours dry like summers rains that pass too soon--maybe simplify this to: as the hours... Again, another really good line

I like this Billy. It's a good piece. I apologize that these comments may come off as mostly stylistic line tweaks. Use what you like, ignore the rest. It's solely my opinion as to what sounds good to my ear.

Best,

Todd