Tiny Star

[NotSteve333]

Endless layers of black silk drapes; the shadows.
Separate, small, unsafe space.
A beacon, a beam, of pure white hot impurity.
Drawn in, crossing an event horizon long before awareness,
Long after warning.

Bodies cropped into little frames,
Little portions of littler people.
A subject unknowing, thus unwilling.
Those frames scattered across the universe,
Millions of shameful stars.

Keep your head down.
The sky tells the stories of your misdeeds.
You fucked up wretch.
Here’s a constellation of your form.
A whore.

[crow]

This is brilliant. I’m not sure that you know why. This needs revision.

Let’s get you past the credibility check. The capped first words after line breaks will make serious people dismiss you. Semicolons will make serious people dismiss you. Change the semi for a comma and lowercase the words after line breaks.

Like so:

Endless layers of black silk drapes, the shadows.
Separate, small, unsafe space.
A beacon, a beam, of pure white hot impurity.
Drawn in, crossing an event horizon long before awareness,
long after warning.

Bodies cropped into little frames,
little portions of littler people.
A subject unknowing, thus unwilling.
Those frames scattered across the universe,
millions of shameful stars.

Keep your head down.
The sky tells the stories of your misdeeds.
You fucked up wretch.
Here’s a constellation of your form.
A whore.

---

Is this what I think it is? I’m queuing on unsafe space, white hot impurity, a need for a new interpretation of constellations . . . Is this a sci-fi adjacent race poem?

Is shameful stars vs stars ashamed intentional? Stars ashamed is much better aesthetically. So much better that shameful stars feels deliberate.

Sorry for asking a bunch of questions. Maybe this poem sucks and you’re a bad writer.

I’d like to crit this more assertively, but what direction are you going? Is this sci-fi or racial justice or both or neither or what? If your goal is to confuse people, stop now. If you want to say something important, tell me what. Then I can beat you up until you’ve said it in the best way.

[CRNDLSM]

Endless layers of black silk drapes; the shadows.
Separate, small, unsafe space.
A beacon, a beam, of pure white hot impurity.
Drawn in, crossing an event horizon long before awareness,
Long after warning.

Bodies cropped into little frames,
Little portions of littler people.
A subject unknowing, thus unwilling.
Those frames scattered across the universe,
Millions of shameful stars.

Keep your head down.
The sky tells the stories of your misdeeds.
You fucked up wretch.
Here’s a constellation of your form.
A whore.

Thanks for sharing, I like the imagery and vocabulary, the frames kinda confused me.  The last three lines lose me though, almost too abrasive, jarring,  should be it's own senryu poem though.  I think it would be more impact full toned down here. Even stretched out to show the fucked up wretch of the whore without telling us, don't be mad at them, make us mad at them.

[Miley]

Endless layers of black silk drapes; the shadows.
Separate, small, unsafe space.
A beacon, a beam, of pure white hot impurity.
Drawn in, crossing an event horizon long before awareness,
Long after warning.

Bodies cropped into little frames,
Little portions of littler people.
A subject unknowing, thus unwilling.
Those frames scattered across the universe,
Millions of shameful stars.

Keep your head down.
The sky tells the stories of your misdeeds.
You fucked up wretch.
Here’s a constellation of your form.
A whore.

The language here is very over the top, I think this is probably the poems strength and weakness haha! Millions, universe, endless, etc the black silk, the pure white light. Its anything but subtle.

Otherwise, its hard to pull all the pieces together I git the gist of the images and the vibe which does operate on a sort of galactic/intergalactic scale.

The turn to this person (women?) in the end is surprising, I can't tell if the narrator is pointing towards the author here, in a bit of self degradation or someone else.. with stuff like "incels" in the air (atleast here in the usa) the anger towards the end leaves the poem feeling not so great foe me! I'm really not sure the intention here though... my 2cents anyway, thanks thanks for sharing!

[alexhenning]

Hi, friend,

This poem is striking in its rawness and intensity, using dark, vivid imagery to convey deep feelings of shame and self-recrimination. The contrast between "black silk drapes" and the "white hot impurity" immediately sets a powerful tone, pulling the reader into the tension between darkness and light, safety and violation. The metaphor of being "drawn in, crossing an event horizon" beautifully captures the feeling of being consumed by something overwhelming, with no point of return. The scattered frames of "little portions of littler people" evoke a sense of disintegration and helplessness, while the imagery of the sky as a witness to personal misdeeds is both haunting and powerful. The idea of the stars as "millions of shameful stars" ties everything together with an overwhelming sense of guilt and exposure. The final line, blunt and brutal, leaves a lingering impact that feels heavy and deliberate.

As far as critiques go; while the imagery is strong, it might help to give the reader more grounding within the emotional narrative. The poem moves quickly from one powerful metaphor to another, and expanding a bit on the personal context could make the emotional arc clearer and more cohesive. For example, what specific event or feeling led to this sense of shame? Adding more connective tissue between the metaphors of "event horizon" and "frames scattered across the universe" could help the reader follow the progression of thought. Additionally, the last line is bold, but perhaps consider leading up to it with more gradual, emotionally layered buildup. This could make the impact even stronger by giving the reader more time to immerse in the emotional landscape before the final, cutting conclusion.

Great job, and keep writing! (:

[Bananaman10]

Your poem certainly was a trip. I was caught confused which route you were going with at first, if it was a poem about the beauty of the cosmos and the stars in their constellations or if it was about a previous partner. Turns out it was both! I gotta say, the ending was very abrupt and it did get a chuckle out of me, and thus really clarified the subject matter of the poem. I loved the metaphor you used to describe framed photos “little portions of littler people” and found it really creative. I would say maybe you could make it clearer for the reader as it is confusing to read and some lines seem disconnected from others. Great work though!

[Gerryswo]

(This is my first critique. I hope I posted it properly)

 I liked the beginning of your poem. The opening line presented a compelling image of what I image are shadows, which if true makes the actual translation “the shadows” a bit redundant and maybe unnecessary.
“pure white hot impurity” was also well said.
In the second stanza I got the feeling you were moving toward the theme of the poem, the “millions of shameful stars.” I think you could’ve worded the second line in the second stanza a little better, since “littler” isn’t really a word, and as presented seems a step below the rest of the poem on the literary ladder.
The first two stanzas seemed to have a smooth reasoned approach to your theme, but the third stanza feels like you lost your patience, like “the fucked up  wretch” got the better of you. You might want to think about editing that stanza.
In general I found your poem very intriguing. I felt like you managed to make your point in a poetic style (with the exception of the last stanza) without hitting your reader over the head.