A Coat to Keep Her Warm

[Gerryswo]

Revision 1

BEASTS
She was so old
she could call back the days
when rumbling trains would cross the land,
when she would see from her car
the brown black beasts
pummeling the ground
matching the thunder
of the metal beast beneath her seat.
She saw them fall too,
silent lead from invisible rifles
thumping into heaving hides,
final snorts of life rippling the golden grass.
She snuggled into the thick black coat
that warmed her while her fires waned,
remembering how the beasts dried to white,
bony exclamation points glinting in the night. 

(This is my first post in a number of years. Please tell if I'm not doing it right).

She was so old
she could call back the days
when rumbling trains would cross the land,
when she would sit in her seat
and see the brown the black beasts
run like waves of sound.
She saw them fall too,
silent lead from invisible rifles
thumping into heaving hides,
final snorts of life rippling golden grass.
Then there were no more.
The plains died,
the beasts dried to white.
She kept her coat though.
It kept her warm when the fires waned.

[Magpie]

This is interesting. You've got a good idea that needs a little expanding but has potential.
I've left a few thoughts below.

(This is my first post in a number of years. Please tell if I'm not doing it right).

She was so old
she could call back the days
when rumbling trains would cross the land,
when she would sit in her seat   - don't think you need 'sit in her seat'
and see the brown the black beasts  - do you mean 'brown and black' or either or? 
run like waves of sound.  - this simile doesn't work for me. I get  the 'moving like waves' idea to express immense numbers
She saw them fall too,
silent lead from invisible rifles - not sure what 'silent lead' is? gunshots aren't silent. Would 'unseen rifles' work better perhaps 'invisible' seems intangible 
thumping into heaving hides,
final snorts of life rippling the golden grass. - two good lines as regards imagery - 
Then there were no more.
The plains died,
the beasts dried to white.
She kept her coat though.
It kept her warm when the fires waned. - these last two lines seem awkward. it's a good end, just needs slightly rewording - repetition of 'kept'

I like the poem. I like the idea. I am left wondering who 'she' was/is and perhaps this could be expanded upon as an angle?? 
I get that it's about mass killing of bison. Perhaps everyone will get it, but it does require some knowledge of American history to a certain degree... maybe a different title could provide a clue.
all just thoughts

thanks for the read

[Gerryswo]

Thank you for your thoughtful critique.
I think I need the "sit in her seat" line. Otherwise the reader wouldn't know the woman was on the train, she might otherwise just have seen the Buffalo from a cabin window, or astride a horse. Although I need the reader to know the woman was on the train, as I reread the poem with your concern I see the wording is a bit clunky. I think I'll need to change that.
The black the brown beasts was my way of saying they were black and brown. I thought it had a better flow "brown and black". If I make the reader scratch his head a bit I consider that a good thing.
Sharps rifles, or Buffalo rifles, could be fired from 500 yards away, hence the silent nature of the lead.
Yes, "rippling THE Golden grass"
I had already decided on a rewording of the last two lines, exactly because of the repetition of "kept". Tentatively it will be "She kept her coat though/it warmed her when the fires waned."
My feeling is sometimes less is more when it comes to the woman. I don't think I want to expand on her, although I think you're right about the title.

[Magpie]

Thank you for your thoughtful critique.
I think I need the "sit in her seat" line. Otherwise the reader wouldn't know the woman was on the train, she might otherwise just have seen the Buffalo from a cabin window, or astride a horse. Although I need the reader to know the woman was on the train, as I reread the poem with your concern I see the wording is a bit clunky. I think I'll need to change that.

-- fair point. it was probably the wordiness that I meant... It could be trimmed and rearranged something like

She was so old
she could call back the days
when she would sit on rumbling trains
crossing the land watching the brown...

The black the brown beasts was my way of saying they were black and brown. I thought it had a better flow "brown and black". If I make the reader scratch his head a bit I consider that a good thing.

Head scratching in what way? Confusion is not necessarily a good way to go unless it's called for.
'see the brown the black beasts' seems like a typo to me 'see the black brown beasts' could work though

Sharps rifles, or Buffalo rifles, could be fired from 500 yards away, hence the silent nature of the lead.
Yes, "rippling THE Golden grass"
I had already decided on a rewording of the last two lines, exactly because of the repetition of "kept". Tentatively it will be "She kept her coat though/it warmed her when the fires waned."
My feeling is sometimes less is more when it comes to the woman. I don't think I want to expand on her, although I think you're right about the title.

[Gerryswo]

---

See revision 1

Thank you for your thoughtful critique.
I think I need the "sit in her seat" line. Otherwise the reader wouldn't know the woman was on the train, she might otherwise just have seen the Buffalo from a cabin window, or astride a horse. Although I need the reader to know the woman was on the train, as I reread the poem with your concern I see the wording is a bit clunky. I think I'll need to change that.

-- fair point. it was probably the wordiness that I meant... It could be trimmed and rearranged something like

She was so old
she could call back the days
when she would sit on rumbling trains
crossing the land watching the brown...

The black the brown beasts was my way of saying they were black and brown. I thought it had a better flow "brown and black". If I make the reader scratch his head a bit I consider that a good thing.

Head scratching in what way? Confusion is not necessarily a good way to go unless it's called for.
'see the brown the black beasts' seems like a typo to me 'see the black brown beasts' could work though

Sharps rifles, or Buffalo rifles, could be fired from 500 yards away, hence the silent nature of the lead.
Yes, "rippling THE Golden grass"
I had already decided on a rewording of the last two lines, exactly because of the repetition of "kept". Tentatively it will be "She kept her coat though/it warmed her when the fires waned."
My feeling is sometimes less is more when it comes to the woman. I don't think I want to expand on her, although I think you're right about the title.

[rowens]

BEASTS
She was so old,
she could called back days
when rumbling trains would crossed the land,
when she would see from her car see
the brown black beasts
pummeling the ground
matching the thunder
of the metal beast beneath her seat.
She saw them fall too,
silent lead from invisible rifles
thumping into heaving hides,
final snorts of life rippling the golden grass.
She snuggled into the thick black coat
that warmed her while as her fires she waned,
remembering how the beasts dried to white,
bony exclamation points glinting in the of night.