Into the Wilderness

[Pjames]

Into the Wilderness

As a bulwark against damnation,
the preacher made himself the strictest
of the strict interpreters
of precious texts, so to convince God
of his impeccable faith; but men
who hedge their faith are men who feign.

When his reckoning came, God discerned
his subterfuge, so dispatched him to
the bare and broken plain — without
a tongue or name — to wander with
the ever unrepentant Cain.

☙

I have a childhood friend who is so devoutly Christian that he believes I am going to Hell (for a variety of reasons) and that his parents went to Hell (for not being devout enough).  As a minister he has made a reputation for himself as a literal interpreter of the Bible, and it finally occurred to me that he is afraid that HE may end up in Hell if he isn't God's most ardent believer, and so I wrote this poem to express what I think are the doubts he has about his own faith but isn't facing.

[Knot]

Hi Pjames,
a lot seems to hinge on 'men who hedge' and I'd like to have seen that argument unpacked rather than simply asserted. You begin with your conclusion, and I'd like to have known a bit about how you arrived at it.
Also, I wonder if it might not be more effective if it directly addressed the friend?

As a bulwark against damnation
you made yourself the strictest
...
Not sure you need 'precious texts' - it's strongly implied by the context.

Just a thought,
I have come believe that faith,
your faith, is a bulwark ...

Not keen on S2 being so certain. Might be better as a question

When your reckoning comes, do you believe
that God will not discern your subterfuge ...

'Discern' and 'dispatched' hit off-notes, to me.


Best, Knot


.

[Pjames]

Interesting comments, Knot. I have just come here from a forum that seems to be dissolving, and no one had any suggestions like that. To implement your ideas, I would have to make the poem more wordy and more explanatory which, over on the other forum, they didn't care for. I wanted the poem to come across like an unsympathetic judgement by God.

However, having spent so much time analyzing it, I am going to try to implement all of your suggestions in a new version. Who knows, the new version may be a vast improvement. I definitely appreciate your attention and suggestions.

I am almost 74, and one of the things I learned in my life was to be concise, but concision isn't always best.

Thanks again!

[Wjames]

Into the Wilderness

As a bulwark against damnation,
the preacher made himself the strictest 
of the strict interpreters does 'of the strict' add anything? they're already strictest above.  I agree with knot and think saying 'the strictest interpretor', says everything that 'the strictest of the strict interpreters of precious texts' says, without all the words. Preacher already says what they would be the strictest interpretor of.
of precious texts, so to convince God
of his impeccable faith; but men 
who hedge their faith are men who feign.  

When his reckoning came, God discerned 
his subterfuge, so dispatched him to
the bare and broken plain — without 
a tongue or name — to wander with
the ever unrepentant Cain. Interesting rhymes in here, I'm not sure they work, but I like that they were sort of hidden in there. There is a lot of stop and start in this stanza, with those commas and hyphens, a lot is going on in one sentence and I don't think it's the smoothest. Each pause almost feels like its own sentence.

☙

I have a childhood friend who is so devoutly Christian that he believes I am going to Hell (for a variety of reasons) and that his parents went to Hell (for not being devout enough).  As a minister he has made a reputation for himself as a literal interpreter of the Bible, and it finally occurred to me that he is afraid that HE may end up in Hell if he isn't God's most ardent believer, and so I wrote this poem to express what I think are the doubts he has about his own faith but isn't facing.

Hey Pjames, I like your name.

[Pjames]

Wjames, thank you for your comments.

I have often used repetition for emphasis. The emphasis in itself elevates the intensity of what's being said. I see a huge difference between "the strictest interpreter" and "the strictest of the strict interpreters". It's like the difference between "greater" and "greatest", or "extreme" and "over the top". But if you don't share that point of view, I can respect that.

I'm a writer who takes my rhythms and rhymes as they present themselves. As a result, my lines sometimes sound both chaotic and harmonious at the same time. There are more internal rhymes than end-rhymes. To show you what I'm talking about, the next poem I post will be one of those poems in which the lines seem scrambled, yet I manage to rhyme every other line and keep a loose but reasonable meter. I feel like I should wait a couple days, though. I don't want to overwhelm the forum with my stuff.

Perry James