Anticipation

[brynmawr1]

Anticipation
 
Bee-doo, bee-doo
the timer sounds
signaling time
from blooming heat
two sour-dough loaves
newly golden
having reached risen
potential knowing
the biology
the chemistry
doesn’t lessen
the craving of
mystery
alchemy of mixing
flour, salt, water
again awakening
the evolution of
one to another.
 
Crusty brown
they are born
skin too thick
with heat 
though already
softening
lean in and listen
to the crackling
the ticking
of the lover’s engine
resting after coming
home
feeling the tingle
as salivary glands begin
their business the body 
readied imagining
teeth tearing scent
of earth and sea
the releasing 
steam still too hot
I wait.

[Knot]

Hi bryn,
nice idea, but it seems overwritten (a timer signalling time? and 'the' feels overused, lines 25-7 especially.)
Also, why not dimeter all the way through? Seems careless when that changes.

knowing
the biology
the chemistry
doesn’t lessen
the craving of
mystery

alchemy
of mixing
flour, salt,
water again
awakening
the evolution
of one to another. .......... don't understand this at all.

born
skin too thick
with heat
already
softening

lean in
and listen
to the crackling
ticking
of the lover’s engine ........ like this, but how does it relate to loaves/baking?
resting
after coming
home

scent
of earth and sea
still too
hot I wait.


Best, Knot


.

[dukealien]

Anticipation
 
Bee-doo, bee-doo
the timer sounds
signaling time
from blooming heat
two sour-dough loaves
newly golden
having reached risen
potential knowing
the biology
the chemistry
doesn’t lessen
the craving of
mystery
alchemy of mixing  nice alliteration with the m's here
flour, salt, water
again awakening
the evolution of
one to another.
 
Crusty brown
they are born
skin too thick
with heat 
though already
softening
lean in and listen   imperative to the reader - might justify a new sentence, typographically.
to the crackling
the ticking
of the lover’s engine   that would be the oven - not quite clear here
resting after coming
home
feeling the tingle   to continue the imperative, perhaps "feel" rather than  "feeling?"
as salivary glands begin
their business the body 
readied imagining
teeth tearing scent
of earth and sea
the releasing 
steam still too hot
I wait.

Good, good, easy to see what's going on here.  In moderate critique...

Two quick specifics:  could there be white space before the ultimate line, a beat/new sentence there would seem in keeping with the waiting... waiting theme.  And, it's often (usually?) written "sourdough" (one word).  Unless emphasizing "sour" (not sure why that would be) the hyphen could perhaps be eliminated.

In general:  use of short lines portrays impatience nicely.  No adverb necessary at the end - "impatiently" is implied.  You could try it with long lines instead of short and see how that changes  the reading (the cliche "breathless anticipation" comes to mind) but that would raise a host of decisions best avoided - where to break for every darned line.

And... never once mentioned the aroma.  Of course I'm thinking of yeast-rising rather than sourdough bread, which I've never baked.  Perhaps it has none.

[brynmawr1]

Hi bryn,
nice idea, but it seems overwritten (a timer signalling time? and 'the' feels overused, lines 25-7 especially.)
Also, why not dimeter all the way through? Seems careless when that changes.

knowing
the biology
the chemistry
doesn’t lessen
the craving of
mystery

alchemy
of mixing
flour, salt,
water again
awakening
the evolution
of one to another. .......... don't understand this at all.  yeah, most demanding/oblique lines. Thinking life, growing, changing of one thing into another

born
skin too thick
with heat
already
softening

lean in
and listen
to the crackling
ticking
of the lover’s engine ........ like this, but how does it relate to loaves/baking?  not directly other than adding an emotional element.  I noticed that as the loaves cool, the crust crackles which made me think of how an engine ticks as it cools - poetic license perhaps.
resting
after coming   aww, you're getting it.  Bread baking...a passion.
home

scent
of earth and sea
still too
hot I wait.


Best, Knot


.

Hey Knot,
Thanks, as always, for you reading and comments.  Overwritten-me?  Never!  The timer/time thing does have a dissonance that isn't helpful.  The dimeter issue isn't for me.  I made the line breaks where they felt natural not trying to keep to a form.  I've been studying your arrangement.
Thanks,
bryn

---

Anticipation
 
Bee-doo, bee-doo
the timer sounds
signaling time
from blooming heat
two sour-dough loaves
newly golden
having reached risen
potential knowing
the biology
the chemistry
doesn’t lessen
the craving of
mystery
alchemy of mixing  nice alliteration with the m's here
flour, salt, water
again awakening
the evolution of
one to another.
 
Crusty brown
they are born
skin too thick
with heat 
though already
softening
lean in and listen   imperative to the reader - might justify a new sentence, typographically.  A favorite part for me
to the crackling
the ticking
of the lover’s engine   that would be the oven - not quite clear here  No, but that is interesting. The clues are there, but I can try to clarify.
resting after coming
home
feeling the tingle   to continue the imperative, perhaps "feel" rather than  "feeling?"  yes, that fits well
as salivary glands begin
their business the body 
readied imagining
teeth tearing scent
of earth and sea
the releasing 
steam still too hot
I wait.

Good, good, easy to see what's going on here.  In moderate critique...

Two quick specifics:  could there be white space before the ultimate line, a beat/new sentence there would seem in keeping with the waiting... waiting theme.  And, it's often (usually?) written "sourdough" (one word).  Unless emphasizing "sour" (not sure why that would be) the hyphen could perhaps be eliminated.

In general:  use of short lines portrays impatience nicely.  No adverb necessary at the end - "impatiently" is implied.  You could try it with long lines instead of short and see how that changes  the reading (the cliche "breathless anticipation" comes to mind) but that would raise a host of decisions best avoided - where to break for every darned line.

And... never once mentioned the aroma.  Of course I'm thinking of yeast-rising rather than sourdough bread, which I've never baked.  Perhaps it has none.

Hi Duke,
Thanks for your thorough and thoughtful reading.  This poem came from an attempt at more lyrical writing so extending the lines won't likely happen in the near future.  Though, even with short lines, I could endlessly change the breaks, as Knot demonstrated.  Regarding the aroma, I tried at the end to invoke odor, but perhaps fell short.  The white space at the end is a good suggestion.
A grateful,
bryn

[busker]

Anticipation
 
Bee-doo, bee-doo
two sour-dough loaves
Crusty brown
they are born
skin too thick
with heat 
though already
softening
lean in and listen
to the crackling
resting after coming
home
feeling the tingle
as salivary glands begin
their business the body 
readied imagining
teeth tearing scent
of earth and sea
the releasing 
steam still too hot
I wait.  

This was the poem for me. Strong sensory stuff.

[Knot]

Hi bryn.

yeah, most demanding/oblique lines. Thinking life, growing, changing of one thing into another
That much I got, what confused was alchemy (transmutation) to evolution (mutations of a different sort.) It felt contradictory.

not directly other than adding an emotional element. I noticed that as the loaves cool, the crust crackles which made me think of how an engine ticks as it cools - poetic license perhaps.
Perhaps, but it does feel a bit confused (or possibly confusing) ... perhaps it's the reference to a 'lover's' engine?

I made the line breaks where they felt natural not trying to keep to a form.
Might be worth having a go at a more formal arrangement, just to see what happens. I do think you set up an expectation and that the deviation from it is a bit jarring.


Best, Knot


.

[TranquillityBase]

Anticipation
 
Bee-doo, bee-doo
the timer sounds
signaling time            timer....time is too closely repetitive.
from blooming heat    
two sour-dough loaves
newly golden
having reached risen  
potential knowing    little unclear who or what is doing the knowing
the biology
the chemistry
doesn’t lessen
the craving of
mystery
alchemy of mixing
flour, salt, water
again awakening    
the evolution of         Knot's got something on that alchemy vs evolution conflict
one to another.
 
Crusty brown
they are born
skin too thick
with heat 
though already
softening
lean in and listen
to the crackling
the ticking
of the lover’s engine     is this "engine" a person (a lover) or a thing (such as a car engine); a hot car engine (my reading) is a jarring comparison to loaves of fresh bread because of the associated smells of each;  the fact that hot bread makes those sounds is a very interesting element though, so if it could be told another way....
resting after coming
home       
feeling the tingle
as salivary glands begin
their business the body 
readied imagining
teeth tearing scent
of earth and sea
the releasing 
steam still too hot
I wait.

Hi Bryn,

Coming in late here.  Though all you see above are gripes, I do think it well written, especially second stanza.

TqB

[rowens]

The time repetition works. Time Time repetition. Re- tick - ing


Mute Mutation. There is a sense of passiveness, of change. I see no conflict between alchemy and evolution.
Think about words. Al-chem. Chem is Egypt. Al is a prefix. Chemistry. Think about words. What do they mean?
Even if there is no connection between words, poets make connections.


Transmute. Mute means silent or still. nonplussed nonplussed, they mean their own opposites.
Trans, trans-portation, Train. To move or go beyond. Mute means to stay the same and to change. Mutant.

The ticking of the lover's engine
You're playing with that idea there.

The lack of punctuation adds to the poem by not being there.