Cold Currents (was Winter Current)

[TranquillityBase]

North winds like a tide,
sky a stream of cloud caverns,
winter dusk, alone.

North winds like a tide
sky a stream of cloud caverns.
I lost your your name.

[busker]

“Lost” is quite generic and doesn’t follow from the sea references

Float, go adrift, etc - these do

Maybe a better choice of word is needed

[RiverNotch]

Conversely, a three-line poem doesn't really need a title xD

I would make the punctuation more consistent -- comma on the first line, colon or dash rather than period for the second -- and you doubled "your" in the third line (English haiku don't really follow the 5/7/5 structure, so if the doubling is deliberate, then it just seems cheap). First line is interesting to me, since "winds" could be a noun or a verb, though I suppose it can't really be the verb, if my initial assumption that "North winds" is the seasonal thing here holds. The second line, meanwhile, is a bit too muddy for my taste: the intermingling of heavenly and aquatic imagery just seems awkward.

[rowens]

The simile and metaphor words, 'like' and 'as', are not necessary in poetry like this. I'd eliminate 'of', too. And 'a'.


North winds
tide ?a? stream ?of? cloud
caverns, I lost your name


I'm not considering meter.

[TranquillityBase]

Thanks Busker, River and Rowens.  Yes, last line was a train wreck.  I'm trying out a wholly new last line.

[Wjames]

Hey Tranquil, on my first read I didn't like 'cloud caverns' - but after thinking on it a bit, I like it because it sort of makes you wonder what is happening in the clouds.

I like the punctuation better in the first version (but the edit is much improved imo). I would have it like this if it were mine:

North winds like a tide
sky a stream of cloud caverns.
Winter dusk, alone.

----
I enjoyed it.