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"It is not to be thought that the life of darkness is sunk in misery and lost as if in sorrowing. There is no sorrowing. For sorrow is a thing that is swallowed up in death, and death and dying are the very life of the darkness." - Jacob Boehme
There is no woodland, just stillness,
no weeping shrubs with sunken eyes,
or outstretched limbs from haunted trees,
which subtly betray human minds.
Only stillness. Stillness like a gutted car,
rusting in the grey moonlight,
stillness like a gnome in an empty garden,
paint peeling like flesh might.
The landscapes that Dante proposed,
the levels, lakes and lilies of hell,
are a farce for those still drawing breath,
slander most merry and comfortable.
Death as I see it is an endless road,
bordered by flatlands devoid of features,
beginning, leading and ending nowhere,
indifferent the faces of its travellers.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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(03-06-2011, 07:52 AM)Heslopian Wrote: "It is not to be thought that the life of darkness is sunk in misery and lost as if in sorrowing. There is no sorrowing. For sorrow is a thing that is swallowed up in death, and death and dying are the very life of the darkness." - Jacob Boehme
There is no woodland, just stillness,
no weeping shrubs with sunken eyes,
or outstretched limbs from haunted trees,
which subtly betray human minds. really good verse, solid in imagery
Only stillness. Stillness like a gutted car, love these 2 lines
rusting in the grey moonlight,
stillness like a gnome in an empty garden, this one feels out of place
paint peeling like flesh might.
The landscapes that Dante proposed,
the levels and lakes and lilies of hell, one 'and' too many for me
are a farce for those still drawing breath,
slander most merry and comfortable. is it slander or libel?
Death as I see it is an endless road,
bordered by flatlands devoid of features,
beginning and leading and ending nowhere, one 'and' too many for me
indifferent the faces of its travellers. for me the poem ends here
Do I sound indulgently morbid?
If so that was never my intention.
I simply yearn for peace of mind,
endless roads are my obsession.
i thought this was a good solid write jack apart form a couple of nits. the ending thing could just be me but i felt the last verse said very little.
i'm not keen on foot notes and headers. the poem reminds me of of another though i can't think of it. about the and lines, they do read okay but for some reason they make me falter a little thanks for the read jack.
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Thank you for the kind words and feedback Billy. I will delete the last verse once I've finished this. I will also make the appropriate edits regarding the ands.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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Loved it. Thank you.
stillness like a gnome in an empty garden I hope you keep this line which is one of my favorite ... lonely and forgotten
I also liked the multiple use of and which for me extended the endlessness of death (if that makes any sense ... I suck at explaining.)
You give to the world when you're giving your best to somebody else.
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(03-12-2011, 09:29 PM)kath3 Wrote: Loved it. Thank you.
stillness like a gnome in an empty garden I hope you keep this line which is one of my favorite ... lonely and forgotten
I also liked the multiple use of and which for me extended the endlessness of death (if that makes any sense ... I suck at explaining.)
comment on someone else's feedback is a no no here and oft frowned at kath.
never the less i shall be a very bad boy.
feedback needs no explanations, so you're okay on that score. and the explanation you gave was great anyway. just carry on doing what you're doing and you'll be good go
the feedback is all about you and the poem and nothing else. the feedback you gave was a perfect example of that.
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Thank you for the comment Kath and I'm sorry I didn't see it before.
"We believe that we invent symbols. The truth is that they invent us; we are their creatures, shaped by their hard, defining edges." - Gene Wolfe
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Hi billy,
I'm feeling lost on your comment ... "comment on someone else's feedback is a no no here and oft frowned at kath."
I wasn't trying to critique your comments, my intention was to give heslopian another's take on the multiple use of "and" and how it read for me, as with
stillness like a gnome in an empty garden was full of imagery for me and my favorite line.
My apologies and I'll take better care.
You give to the world when you're giving your best to somebody else.
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hehe i know that, i meant i shouldn't really be giving comment on your comment
i was praising you for giving feedback, it can be rather daunting but you're doing good
it was in reply to you saying "i suck at explaining"
i said;
feedback needs no explanations, so you're okay on that score. and the explanation you gave was great anyway. just carry on doing what you're doing and you'll be good go
the feedback is all about you and the poem and nothing else. the feedback you gave was a perfect example of that.
sorry for the confusion, sorry for pooping in your thread jack.
