09-22-2023, 06:46 PM (This post was last modified: 09-26-2023, 09:14 PM by RiverNotch.)
The Familiar
There is a kind of person who always eats
four eggs a day, who makes coffee for two
and sets aside half of the drink
for all those mornings when he or she
could not be bothered to carefully weigh
his or her beans and water. This person always sleeps
at nine, stirs at six, and goes to work
three hours after waking up. Their job?
Stretched out on a table is a leather
canvas turning paler and paler
as the hours come in. The chat begins
with that day's weather, then the crossword,
what comics are repeated,
before they move on to the major reports --
what movies are hits, which stars to court --
as jars, then cabinets, are filled.
At twelve o'clock, it's time for lunch,
at one it's time for tea. Always they heat
twelve ounces of water for their pot
of two teaspoons' worth of leaves rolled up
by some poor chap from China
and, without fail, they come to need
the toilet for right when they've done
with their strawberry jam and scones.
For evening leisure, sometimes they read
Beckett, but more often Pound.
"More often now do I reflect
on the little garden kept
by two dear friends of ours, too often dusted
during our visits with tar and ash
like a plate of Cafe du Monde's"
is how they hear the answer to
a simple "What's the time?"
"You know, the Jew
There is a kind of person who always eats
four eggs a day, who makes coffee for two
and always sets aside one half of the drink
for all those mornings when he or she
could not be bothered to carefully weigh
his or her beans and water. This person always sleeps
at nine, stirs at six, and goes to work
three hours after waking up. What do they do?
Stretched out on a table is a leather
canvas turning paler and paler
as the hours come in. The chat begins
with that day's weather, then the crossword,
what comics are repeated,
before they go to the major reports --
what movies are hits, which stars to court --
as jars, then cabinets, are filled.
At twelve o'clock, it's time for lunch,
at one it's time for tea. Always they heat
twelve ounces of water for their pot
of two teaspoons' worth of leaves rolled up
by some poor chap from China
and, without fail, they come to need
the toilet for right when they've done
with their strawberry jam and scones.
For evening leisure, sometimes they read
Beckett, but more often Pound.
"More often now do I reflect
on the little garden kept
by two dear friends of ours, too often dusted
during our visits with tar and ash
like a plate of Cafe du Monde's"
is how they hear the answer to
(09-22-2023, 06:46 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: The Familiar My second track, on reading the title, was a witch's familiar (spirit)... after just familiar (things).
There is a kind of person who always eats nice break, contrasting with those who do not always eat
four eggs a day, who makes coffee for two
and always sets aside one half of the drink wasteful/well supplied
for all those mornings when he or she
could not be bothered to carefully weigh perhaps "precisely" for the rhythm, though that implies rather than describes the attitude
his or her beans and water. This person always sleeps The business of the coffee is mysteriously descriptive - is there a familiar to be fed?
at nine, stirs at six, and goes to work no alarm clock required (g)
three hours after waking up. What do they do? more precisely (second reading) how is he/she employed?
Stretched out on a table is a leather
canvas turning paler and paler "leather canvas " - starting to get unpleasant vibes here
as the hours come in. The chat begins
with that day's weather, then the crossword,
what comics are repeated,
before they go to the major reports --
what movies are hits, which stars to court --
as jars, then cabinets, are filled. Okay, so they're scraping the leather into jars. With whom are they discussing - the "canvas?"
At twelve o'clock, it's time for lunch,
at one it's time for tea. Always they heat
twelve ounces of water for their pot
of two teaspoons' worth of leaves rolled up
by some poor chap from China but not necessarily *in* China
and, without fail, they come to need
the toilet for right when they've done
with their strawberry jam and scones. Whew! Not Germany then. Would have been metric units, anyway. A bit early for British tea, though.
For evening leisure, sometimes they read
Beckett, but more often Pound. veering back toward a fascist suspicion...
"More often now do I reflect
on the little garden kept
by two dear friends of ours, too often dusted
during our visits with tar and ash a distinct air of Buchenwald
like a plate of Cafe du Monde's"
is how they hear the answer to
a simple "What's the time?"
"You know, the Jew baffled, but suitably challenged.
Mmmm. Deep. I think.
Reactions above. In moderate critique, this plays adroitly on the (grammatically incorrect) usage of "they" for one person of unknown gender - slipping back and forth between the collective "they" and the implied lone (example) person. A reader can even slip for a moment and think there are two people present in part of the day's activities. Very nice.
The contrast between longer free verse lines in the majority of the poem and shorter lines in the quoted text is effective, setting it off in tandem with the quotation marks.
The mystery, to me (likely I'm just missing it), is resolved by the final line: answering the implied question from the beginning ("what kind of person?") I still don't quite follow what is being described, implied, or alluded to in the rest of the work, but it did make me think and react: I could find anything from the Blood Libel to Ordinary Germans in it.
How to improve the work? Metric units if you like - grams of beans, liters of water. Perhaps surmounting rationing could be implied - that "they" don't need coupons and can get real (instead of ersatz) coffee. In fact, coffee and tea are a leitmotif that could be expanded.
(09-22-2023, 06:46 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: The Familiar
There is a kind of person who always eats
four eggs a day, who makes coffee for two
and always sets aside one half of the drink
for all those mornings when he or she
could not be bothered to carefully weigh
his or her beans and water. This person always sleeps A strong opening, it sucks you in. There are three "always" to this point, to my eyes the first one does the job. The repetition may reinforce how rigid this routine is, and contrasts with the sometimes later on, so I think there could be some merit to having it repeated, but it's worth thinking about - maybe just two would suffice? I feel the same way about "he or she" and then "his or her". "This person" backs up the ambiguity of the gender anyways.
at nine, stirs at six, and goes to work
three hours after waking up. What do they do?
Stretched out on a table is a leather
canvas turning paler and paler
as the hours come in. The chat begins "the chat" is a small phrase that adds a lot of character to the piece.
with that day's weather, then the crossword,
what comics are repeated,
before they go to the major reports -- For some reason I find "they go to" bland. I think maybe just "before the major reports" would be better. Of course, the topic and discussion is bland, so maybe the description should be as well.
what movies are hits, which stars to court --
as jars, then cabinets, are filled. I don't know the answer to the question at the end of the first stanza, but it doesn't bother me - it makes me ask that question to myself and think, which is nice.
At twelve o'clock, it's time for lunch,
at one it's time for tea. Always they heat I like bringing back always here.
twelve ounces of water for their pot
of two teaspoons' worth of leaves rolled up
by some poor chap from China
and, without fail, they come to need
the toilet for right when they've done
with their strawberry jam and scones. I love long sentences like this that have the bones to support themselves.
For evening leisure, sometimes they read "Sometimes", contrasting with the always above - makes the reader think.
Beckett, but more often Pound.
"More often now do I reflect
on the little garden kept
by two dear friends of ours, too often dusted
during our visits with tar and ash
like a plate of Cafe du Monde's"
is how they hear the answer to
a simple "What's the time?"
"You know, the Jew
Hey River, this one is fun to read, and although it isn't entirely clear, why does it need to be?
To my read, it's about fear of the unfamiliar and foreign, and to some extent the banality of evil.
I did some googling because I was curious, and found this article relating to the burning of Kew Gardens by suffragettes in 1912, and the birth of imagism at a garden around the same time with Pound and H.D.: https://modernismmodernity.org/articles/...ry-gardens
It seems likely this is referenced in the poem, and it's interesting to think on how - I am not entirely sure.
I don't have much crit to offer, just my thoughts on the poem.
For evening leisure, sometimes they read
Beckett, but more often Pound.
"More often now do I reflect
on the little garden kept
by two dear friends of ours, too often dusted
during our visits with tar and ash
like a plate of Cafe du Monde's"
is how they hear the answer to
a simple "What's the time?"
"You know, the Jew
Pound was a pretty virulent anti-semite. I think the familiar world famous beignets at Cafe du Monde were only deemed kosher in 2008 (?). The inclusion of 'more often Pound' seems to imply that 'they' do not appreciate that Jews now frequent the Cafe. 'You know, the Jew" reads to me like a very subtle reference to 'their' anti-semitism.
Hi, River. I googled Cafe du Monde, and I'll be ordering their beignet mix and special propriety coffee/chicory blend straightaway.
I like the idea that others had about the familiar being an assistant to a witch or a vampire. It does make sense of the increasingly pallid canvas. New Orleans does have a general reputation as a greenhouse for the cultivation of certain kinds of belief in the supernatural. I've been to Marie Laveau's House of Voodoo myself. But, this interpretation feels tenuous at best. My top line advice is to put in something else to help reinforce preferred interpretations so that we don't all get washed away in the next hurricane.
(09-22-2023, 06:46 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: The Familiar
There is a kind of person who always eats
four eggs a day, who makes coffee for two
and sets aside half of the drink
for all those mornings when he or she -- I'm taking the "he or she" repetition as someone refusing to say "they," like social commentary on pronoun confusion. I can't decide if the narrator is refusing to say "they" or if it's the characters who insist on the binary.... There must be some reason why you're doing this because it certainly doesn't sound pleasant to the reader.
could not be bothered to carefully weigh
his or her beans and water. This person always sleeps
at nine, stirs at six, and goes to work
three hours after waking up. Their job?
Stretched out on a table is a leather
canvas turning paler and paler
as the hours come in. The chat begins
with that day's weather, then the crossword,
what comics are repeated,
before they move on to the major reports --
what movies are hits, which stars to court --
as jars, then cabinets, are filled.
At twelve o'clock, it's time for lunch,
at one it's time for tea. Always they heat -- It's about this point where I just want to start skimming. The problem is that you're asking the reader to stick around for way too long while you regale them with dull details. If there was a pleasant meter and rhyme, I would feel differently.
twelve ounces of water for their pot
of two teaspoons' worth of leaves rolled up
by some poor chap from China -- Unless this detail is essential to the story that I'm presumably missing, I would cut this bit. It feels like a digression. I understand the issue of unsustainable farming practices and unfair trade in the tea/coffee industry, but it feels inconsistent with the rest of the piece. It takes the reader's eye away from the story and flings it across the world only to end up right back where we started.
and, without fail, they come to need
the toilet for right when they've done -- Is it necessary to hear about their bowel movements? The big idea seems to be repetition of the familiar, of habit, and old routines, and it's well established at this point. I don't need more examples unless they are essential to the story.
with their strawberry jam and scones.
For evening leisure, sometimes they read
Beckett, but more often Pound. -- So dry..... In light of the ongoing conversations about Pound and antisemitism here in the forum, this detail feels unmistakably germane. However, unless the reader is a part of this forum, that connection could be less clear.
"More often now do I reflect
on the little garden kept
by two dear friends of ours, too often dusted
during our visits with tar and ash -- I take the tar and ash to be the liberal sprinkling of powdered sugar on the confections there. Or perhaps it's tar and ash from cigarettes?
like a plate of Cafe du Monde's"
is how they hear the answer to
a simple "What's the time?"
"You know, the Jew -- The lack of punctuation at the end must be significant, but I cannot ascertain. Hopefully others will prevail where I've failed.
I want to like this. I think there's something profound here. It's just soooo dry. Maybe a refrain would help reinforce the idea of repetition?
My advice: more is not always better, sometimes it's just more.
Also, rhythm/rhyme to help push the reader past any boredom. It will help with the dryness like a quality, silicone lubricant.
(09-22-2023, 06:46 PM)RiverNotch Wrote: The Familiar
There is a kind of person who always eats
four eggs a day, who makes coffee for two
and always sets aside one half of the drink
for all those mornings when he or she
could not be bothered to carefully weigh
his or her beans and water. This person always sleeps
at nine, stirs at six, and goes to work
three hours after waking up. What do they do?
(I dislike the use of he or she and his or her. Could you use they and their? Or could you settle on a particular person, even though you are generalising, so in your head you know exactly who the person is all the way through the poem. This might tighten up the language as well as give you ideas of how else they might spend their day. That aside, the writing is well-written and intriguing. I think it succeeds in hooking people in.)
Stretched out on a table is a leather
canvas turning paler and paler
as the hours come in. The chat begins
with that day's weather, then the crossword,
what comics are repeated,
before they go to the major reports --
what movies are hits, which stars to court --
as jars, then cabinets, are filled.
(In the second stanza, this generic routine loses urgency because it is simply reiterating the point rather than progressing. Line 6 doesn’t make sense tome and lines 6 and 7 are too long and not as interesting. Maybe a bit of tension is needed.)
At twelve o'clock, it's time for lunch,
at one it's time for tea. Always they heat
twelve ounces of water for their pot
of two teaspoons' worth of leaves rolled up
by some poor chap from China
and, without fail, they come to need
the toilet for right when they've done
with their strawberry jam and scones.
(You spend one line on lunch then 7 lines on tea. Maybe do four lines on each one. The transition is confusing because, when mentioned with lunch, tea first sounds like the main meal tea, rather than afternoon tea. The time should be more like 3:00p.m, if you need it at all. Traditionally I think it would be taken a little later (3:30-5:00p.m. according to wiki). Nowadays, at least as far as I know, afternoon tea is something people do for fun at hotels, usually at 3-3:30p.m. You wouldn’t do it at home (maybe some people do?). If you are attacking people for indulging in afternoon tea, why not focus on the prices. It’s usually £35 for sandwiches, a scone and a cuppa. Basically £35 for tradition.)
For evening leisure, sometimes they read
Beckett, but more often Pound.
"More often now do I reflect
on the little garden kept
by two dear friends of ours, too often dusted
during our visits with tar and ash
like a plate of Cafe du Monde's"
is how they hear the answer to
(The poem looks incomplete, as if you copied and pasted but forgot to copy the last few lines. This is due to the lack of punctuation on the final line, coupled with the fact that there is an additional statement following what feels like an ending. The answer to “What’s the time?” has already been given, and “You know…” seems to be spoken by someone who is not the person asking the time, nor the person reading Beckett and Pound (though I guess it could be the latter). Other than that, the writing in this stanza equals the quality of the first.)
a simple "What's the time?"
"You know, the Jew
The poem has a good style to it but needs more tension, perhaps a little conflict with people who do not live this way (whichever way that may be). I would focus on one person rather than generalising, and maybe follow them documentary-style but you might prefer to keep the technique you've chosen. Try writing out a paragraph or two about what you are trying to achieve, and a few good ways to achieve that, before writing the next draft. My own feeling is that the strongest stanza is the first. I wasn't happy with the direction the poem went in, but the first stanza definitely holds enough intrigue.
There must be some reason why you're doing this because it certainly doesn't sound pleasant to the reader. 
