Amazonian Delivery - Edit

[dukealien]

Amazonian Delivery


Tribes from times primordial
in jungles equatorial
dine well on piscatorial
endeavors gustatorial:

they poison creek or pond
underneath a forest frond,
then select from fish they stunned
for the choicest, most rotund.

The indigenous discovered
small fry swim away, recovered
for next year’s river-delivered
prime piranhas to be savored.

So sustainable a system
that we moderns short on wisdom
call unsporting and arrest ‘em
though our nets and hooks can’t best ‘em.

original version;

Tribes from times primordial
in jungles equatorial
dine well on piscatorial
endeavors long traditional:

they poison creek or pond
underneath a forest frond,
then select from fish they stunned
for the choicest, most rotund.

Small fry swim away, recovered–
tribesmen long ago discovered–
for next year’s river-delivered
feast of fillets charred and skewered.

So sustainable a system
which we moderns in our wisdom
make illegal and arrest ‘em
(as for fish hooks, they detest ‘em).

A galumph in anthropology.  The aboriginal people don't actually hate fish hooks, they were merely surprised when introduced to the concept by Europeans... and did not quite see the point.  Piranhas are apparently good eating when you can place the little terrors at a disadvantage...

[Wjames]

Amazonian Delivery


Tribes from times primordial
in jungles equatorial
dine well on piscatorial
endeavors long traditional: I like the first three lines. This half-rhyme doesn't quite work to my ears, I think it might be better with no rhyme at all on this line.

they poison creek or pond
underneath a forest frond, 'beneath' would read cleaner than 'underneath' to me
then select from fish they stunned
for the choicest, most rotund. This line made me smile, I love the rhyme - I don't know if you need 'for'.

Small fry swim away, recovered–
tribesmen long ago discovered–
for next year’s river-delivered
feast of fillets charred and skewered. 'simmered' might work better for the rhyme than 'skewered'?

So sustainable a system
which we moderns in our wisdom I don't think 'which' adds anything
make illegal and arrest ‘em 'make illegal' is a little clunky, I think it might read cleaner replacing it with 'forbidden'
(as for fish hooks, they detest ‘em). 

Hey Duke, this is a fun one, thanks for sharing.

[Knot]

Hi duke,
good light verse, fun read.

Just a couple of niggles.
I'm with Wjames on 'traditional' and I'd add 'skewered' to that. Also, not convinced by the 'fish hook' ending. Doesn't really land.


Tribes in jungles equatorial
have, from times primordial
dined on manna, piscatorial
(Fact! Not merely editorial.)

First they poison creek or pond
underneath a forest frond,
then select from fish they've stunned
just the choicest, most rotund.

Tribesmen long ago discovered .............. not sure about 'tribesmen' after 'Tribes' (maybe 'Folk here'?)
small fry swim away, recovered–
for next year’s river-delivered
feast of fillets charred and skewered. ....... definitely needs a bit more work

So sustainable a system
we, half blinded by our wisdom
ban, and have the cops arrest ‘em
(as for fish hooks, they detest ‘em) ........ maybe there's a condescending 'bless 'em' ending?



Best, Knot


.

[dukealien]

edit;

Tribes from times primordial
in jungles equatorial
dine well on piscatorial
endeavors gustatorial:

they poison creek or pond
underneath a forest frond,
then select from fish they stunned
for the choicest, most rotund.

The indigenous discovered
small fry swim away, recovered
for next year’s river-delivered
prime piranhas to be savored.

So sustainable a system
that we moderns short on wisdom
call unsporting and arrest ‘em
though our nets and hooks can’t best ‘em.

---

Thanks to both critics.  Much of the advice applied, hopefully mending the rough spots.

[Knot]

Hi duke,

polishing up nicely. Like the new ending, but though? Not sure about that.

Still not convinced by 'delivered/savored' (but 'prime piranhas' is a nice touch.)

It probably isn't factually accurate (I imagine the fish are too small) but

prime piranhas' liver savored

might rescue the line? Also, should it be 'and next years' ... ?)

Doesn't 'dine well' render gustatorial irrelevant?

Just a thought

Tribes from times primordial

do, in jungles equatorial,

practice fine arts piscatorial,

for reasons gustatorial.

Maybe 'westerns' for 'moderns' (just for the alliteration)?

Best, Knot

.

[Lizzie]

Hi, Duke. Can I ask what meter were you going for here? It appears to be a little bit hodgepodge. But, I can help if I know what you're aiming for.

[dukealien]

Hi, Duke. Can I ask what meter were you going for here? It appears to be a little bit hodgepodge. But, I can help if I know what you're aiming for.

You can and may.  I was going for galumphing, rollicking, with a dash of larruping - fairly consistent within each stanza but varying as if a storyteller were changing stance, expression, or tone with each.

[Lizzie]

Hi, Duke. Can I ask what meter were you going for here? It appears to be a little bit hodgepodge. But, I can help if I know what you're aiming for.

You can and may.  I was going for galumphing, rollicking, with a dash of larruping - fairly consistent within each stanza but varying as if a storyteller were changing stance, expression, or tone with each.

I'd say you're roughly achieving that. I do think it would sound more polished if the meter was consistent, but it's still enjoyable. The rhymes are whimsical and unashamed in being a little bit over the top (without being garish). I think it's a good bit of fun, and I learned something.

[bob@mancity.net]

enjoyable read fun
interesting lines ?

Hi, welcome.  This is insufficient critique for this forum.  Please take a moment to add a bit more to it.  Thank you. /mod

[DonMar]

Amazonian Delivery    Clever tongue-in-cheek reference to the Amazon delivery service.


Tribes from times primordial
in jungles equatorial
dine well on piscatorial
endeavors gustatorial:

they poison creek or pond
underneath a forest frond,
then select from fish they stunned I associate stunning fish with the awful habit some people have of throwing dynamite into the water to stun the fish, making them easy to round up, so to speak. So I was surprised to see 'stunned' after the mention of poison, as it didn't seem to fit the picture and took me for a moment out of the narrative. Do the  tribespeople stun the fish by hitting them on the head with something if they're not already dead from the poison? 
for the choicest, most rotund.

The indigenous discovered
small fry swim away, recovered
for next year’s river-delivered
prime piranhas to be savored. The word 'savored' is a less satisfying rhyme for 'delivered'.

So sustainable a system
that we moderns short on wisdom
call unsporting and arrest ‘em
though our nets and hooks can’t best ‘em.

[pre verse]

A serious observation and (in the last stanza) inditement couched in light-hearted, well-crafted terms. The rhyming couplets are effective with regard to the intended tone, and the wraparound lines make for a pleasing, smooth flow. It was fun to read the stanzas aloud. Plenty of visual details as well to anchor the reader's interest, and nice use of alliteration throughout. A bonus as well is that the poem is also educational.