The Names

[TranquillityBase]

The Names

There are names 
I need to forget.

I’m teaching myself to isolate
them, to detach them 
from their personae,
turn them into artifacts
I can no longer interpret.

When they appear in my mind
I discourage their masks 
from taking the stage;
their enactments are not helpful,
they turn into a riddle
of imagined moments,
stories I tell myself 
to reprove the present.

The present is all there is,
all there will be. These names
obscure and mislead, they
tell me lies I can no longer afford
to believe.  It only remains to be seen
which of them will outlive me
which will be waiting for me
on the other side.

[dukealien]

The Names

There are names  nice opening that could lead in many directions, draws the reader in
I need to forget.  and then a turn - well done.

I’m teaching myself to isolate good line break - expected "myself" next [which is what's actually happening, but not for the speaker]
them, to detach them 
from their personae,
turn them into artifacts  good potential play on "facts"
I can no longer interpret.  are these names, really, or epithets?

When they appear in my mind  is "my" necessary here?
I discourage their masks 
from taking the stage;  this seems a bit clumsy, if not quite cliche
their enactments are not helpful,  "enactments," too, you mean the parts they play?
they turn into a riddle  "drama," perhaps?
of imagined moments,  better word than "moments," more stagey... scenes? dialogs? monologs?
stories I tell myself 
to reprove the present.  these last two lines are excellent

The present is all there is,  good enough, could maybe be improved
all there will be. These names
obscure and mislead, they
tell me lies I can no longer afford  maybe line break after "afford?"
to believe.  It only remains to be seen  appropriate but unfortunately cliche
which of them will outlive me
which will be waiting for me  "which will await me?"  Just a thought.
on the other side.  pretty sharp turn here.  Bit of a cliche, too... does get the point across, though.

In mild to moderate critique, don't take the above criticisms too much to heart - especially the suggestions.  It actually works pretty well, adding a description of the obfuscations of language to Piet Hein's

I'd like to know
what this whole show
is all about
before it's out.

The idea that *some* of the suspicious names are actually eternal verities is particularly good.

[brynmawr1]

The Names

There are names 
I need to forget.

I’m teaching myself to isolate
them, to detach them 
from their personae,
turn them into artifacts
I can no longer interpret.

When they appear in my mind
I discourage their masks 
from taking the stage;
their enactments are not helpful,          The cut part is implied by the surrounding statements but obviously you would have to redo the next line somehow to make it work.
they turn into a riddle                   such as...'turned into riddles' or something like that.
of imagined moments,
stories I tell myself 
to reprove the present.         my favorite lines

The present is all there is,  This seems out of place here.  I tried to move it around but couldn't make it work.  other than to rework this last stanza to make these the ending lines.  It does seem to be the central theme of the poem.
all there will be. These names
obscure and mislead, they
tell me lies I can no longer afford
to believe.  It only remains to be seen
which of them will outlive me
which will be waiting for me
on the other side.

hi TqB,
This one, again, brings up that telling vs showing thing.  I've decided to call these poems 'thought poems' cause even though there is really no imagery in it it still makes me feel and see things.  The main thing I wanted to end with is that the last stanza seems to muddle the message for me as I alluded to in my comment above.  The poem starts with the narrator teaching themselves how to gain power over these names which seems to continue until the middle of the last stanza where is seems the names will win either way.  Maybe I just want the cliche of the good guy winning in the end.
Thanks for the read,
Bryn

[RiverNotch]

There are names
I need to forget.

I’m teaching myself to isolate -- The enjambment here is interesting, and possibly meaningful, where you literally isolate "isolate" from "them", but it's also the only one of its kind from an otherwise more conventional piece, so I don't think it works overall.
them, to detach them
from their personae,
turn them into artifacts
I can no longer interpret. -- This and the two lines before it: for a poem with less than ten words that have more than three syllables, lumping them together like this feels like word soup, especially when they remain at the same level of abstraction as everything else. At the very least, you can maybe go "....into artifacts I / can no longer interpret."

When they appear in my mind
I discourage their masks
from taking the stage; -- The "mask" thing is interesting; it reminds me of Ancient Greek theatre. But I usually imagine the mind to *be* the stage, so I'm a little confused as to what is being represented by this metaphor overall.
their enactments are not helpful,
they turn into a riddle
of imagined moments,
stories I tell myself
to reprove the present.

The present is all there is,
all there will be. These names -- I find that it's usually the past, present, and future which are distinct temporal categories, i.e. "the present" isn't something that will ever be. So I'm not sure if the sentence contained in the first two lines of this stanza really work, though they do sound kinda good.
obscure and mislead, they -- Returning to the enjambment before, while this is also a "choice", it's a far less interesting one, as the words involved -- they / tell -- mean very little on their own. Suggesting, perhaps, the diminishing returns of this project.
tell me lies I can no longer afford
to believe. It only remains to be seen
which of them will outlive me
which will be waiting for me -- I'm missing the "and" that would normally be at the start of this phrase. And it does strike me as rather dull, to have the two penultimate lines end, not only with the same word, but with that most....meh of words, "me". So maybe "and which of them will be waiting / on the other side".
on the other side.

I feel like this needs to be a little more concrete. To follow a different commenter's note, what is noted (by that most reliable of sources, Wikipedia) as Piet Hein's most famous "Grook" involves the very specific metaphor of losing one glove, throwing the remaining one away, then finding again the one first lost. While I myself don't remember encountering any pieces where the speaker would rather forget, than remember, certain names, the relative uniqueness of this piece doesn't make up for its fuzziness.

[alonso ramoran]

Hi TqB,

I feel like the title could be a little more evocative, maybe not even needing to mention "names". The piece feels very cerebral since it doesn't provide much imagery. The imagery it does provide feels like it needs to be a little more specific.

The Names

There are names 
I need to forget.

I’m teaching myself to isolate nice line break to reel the reader in
them, to detach them 
from their personae,
turn them into artifacts i feel like you could elaborate on "artifacts" with a descriptor
I can no longer interpret.

When they appear in my mind
I discourage their masks "discourage" could be swapped out for a stronger verb i think, something that gets the feeling across
from taking the stage;
their enactments are not helpful, you could probably cut "are not helpful" and shorten to "their enactments turn into riddles" or even more simply "their enactments become riddles"
they turn into a riddle
of imagined moments,
stories I tell myself 
to reprove the present. appreciate the alliteration here. it sounds good reading aloud, i can feel the spite in the p's

The present is all there is,
all there will be. These names
obscure and mislead, they
tell me lies I can no longer afford "lies i can't afford to believe" careful with the cliche
to believe.  It only remains to be seen
which of them will outlive me Is "them" still referring to the names?
which will be waiting for me
on the other side.

Best,
AR

[CircleWalker]

The Names

There are names 
I need to forget.

I’m teaching myself to isolate 
them, to detach them 
from their personae,
turn them into artifacts
I can no longer interpret.

When they appear in my mind
I discourage their masks 
from taking the stage;
their enactments are not helpful,   (might "reenactments" make sense here?)
they turn into a riddle                   (perhaps "riddles" rather than "a riddle")
of imagined moments,                  (would "memories" work better)
stories I tell myself 
to reprove the present.

The present is all there is,              (I like this last stanza, but for my taste I would put all the line breaks in the natural places similar to the last 3 lines. Also, maybe consider using "deceive". )
all there will be. These names
obscure and mislead, they
tell me lies I can no longer afford
to believe.  It only remains to be seen
which of them will outlive me
which will be waiting for me
on the other side.

This is my first critique, so bear with me. I want to start by saying that obviously poets have different styles and readers have unique tastes. What someone may like or prefer is often drastically in contrast to someone else. Additionally, poems can often be interpreted in different ways, as can songs, and writers should often allow for readers to find their own meanings (IMO).

I think I wrote all of that in an effort to find my footing before proceeding into what is new territory for me. I am a novice, who recently joined. The above comments are not meant in any way specifically for your poem.

I know that we are instructed to give specific comments, BUT … I do want to honestly say that I like this poem. The idea of it and its presentation. Its depth.
Specific thoughts are with the lines.

[Tiger the Lion]

The Names

There are names 
I need to forget.

I’m teaching myself to isolate 
them, to detach them 
from their personae,
turn them into artifacts
I can no longer interpret.

When they appear in my mind
I discourage their masks 
from taking the stage;
their enactments are not helpful,   (might "reenactments" make sense here?)
they turn into a riddle                   (perhaps "riddles" rather than "a riddle")
of imagined moments,                  (would "memories" work better)
stories I tell myself 
to reprove the present.

The present is all there is,              (I like this last stanza, but for my taste I would put all the line breaks in the natural places similar to the last 3 lines. Also, maybe consider using "deceive". )
all there will be. These names
obscure and mislead, they
tell me lies I can no longer afford
to believe.  It only remains to be seen
which of them will outlive me
which will be waiting for me
on the other side.

This is my first critique, so bear with me. I want to start by saying that obviously poets have different styles and readers have unique tastes. What someone may like or prefer is often drastically in contrast to someone else. Additionally, poems can often be interpreted in different ways, as can songs, and writers should often allow for readers to find their own meanings (IMO).

I think I wrote all of that in an effort to find my footing before proceeding into what is new territory for me. I am a novice, who recently joined. The above comments are not meant in any way specifically for your poem.

I know that we are instructed to give specific comments, BUT … I do want to honestly say that I like this poem. The idea of it and its presentation. Its depth.
Specific thoughts are with the lines.

This response is absolutely fine, and more than most can muster first time. Welcome to the site. It's not too late to jump into the LPiA prompts. See you around. Admin.

[busker]

1694165653[/url]']
The Names

There are names 
I need to forget. … great opening. I actually like the enjambment. The second line isn’t predictable, so works well 

I’m teaching myself to isolate
them, to detach them 
from their personae,
turn them into artifacts
I can no longer interpret.

   …: while I love this strophe, the three “thems” and two “tos” offend. Perhaps “isolate them / clean from their personae” or something like thst would make it better.

When they appear in my mind
I discourage their masks 
from taking the stage;
their enactments are not helpful,
they turn into a riddle
of imagined moments,
stories I tell myself 
to reprove the present.

….the metaphor is held together well in this. But perhaps enactments…turn into a riddle is slightly tighter without the “are not helpful”?

The present is all there is,
all there will be. These names
obscure and mislead, they
tell me lies I can no longer afford
to believe.  It only remains to be seen
which of them will outlive me
which will be waiting for me
on the other side.


The last sentence is prosaic. “It remains to be seen which of them will outlive me” is both too conversational and too much telling. The first line in this final strophe is great.

[CircleWalker]

The Names

There are names 
I need to forget.

I’m teaching myself to isolate 
them, to detach them 
from their personae,
turn them into artifacts
I can no longer interpret.

When they appear in my mind
I discourage their masks 
from taking the stage;
their enactments are not helpful,   (might "reenactments" make sense here?)
they turn into a riddle                   (perhaps "riddles" rather than "a riddle")
of imagined moments,                  (would "memories" work better)
stories I tell myself 
to reprove the present.

The present is all there is,              (I like this last stanza, but for my taste I would put all the line breaks in the natural places similar to the last 3 lines. Also, maybe consider using "deceive". )
all there will be. These names
obscure and mislead, they
tell me lies I can no longer afford
to believe.  It only remains to be seen
which of them will outlive me
which will be waiting for me
on the other side.

This is my first critique, so bear with me. I want to start by saying that obviously poets have different styles and readers have unique tastes. What someone may like or prefer is often drastically in contrast to someone else. Additionally, poems can often be interpreted in different ways, as can songs, and writers should often allow for readers to find their own meanings (IMO).

I think I wrote all of that in an effort to find my footing before proceeding into what is new territory for me. I am a novice, who recently joined. The above comments are not meant in any way specifically for your poem.

I know that we are instructed to give specific comments, BUT … I do want to honestly say that I like this poem. The idea of it and its presentation. Its depth.
Specific thoughts are with the lines.

This response is absolutely fine, and more than most can muster first time. Welcome to the site. It's not too late to jump into the LPiA prompts. See you around. Admin.

Thanks for the reply. What are "LPiA prompts"?

[Tiger the Lion]

This is my first critique, so bear with me. I want to start by saying that obviously poets have different styles and readers have unique tastes. What someone may like or prefer is often drastically in contrast to someone else. Additionally, poems can often be interpreted in different ways, as can songs, and writers should often allow for readers to find their own meanings (IMO).

I think I wrote all of that in an effort to find my footing before proceeding into what is new territory for me. I am a novice, who recently joined. The above comments are not meant in any way specifically for your poem.

I know that we are instructed to give specific comments, BUT … I do want to honestly say that I like this poem. The idea of it and its presentation. Its depth.
Specific thoughts are with the lines.

This response is absolutely fine, and more than most can muster first time. Welcome to the site. It's not too late to jump into the LPiA prompts. See you around. Admin.

Thanks for the reply. What are "LPiA prompts"?

You can find them in the "Latest Threads" bar or in "Milo's Forum."

[TranquillityBase]

Thanks for the reply. What are "LPiA prompts"?

You can find them in the "Latest Threads" bar or in "Milo's Forum."
[/quote]

Tiger's pointed you to their location.  LPiA stands for Let's Pretend it's April.  That refers to April because it is National Poetry Month.  During April, a daily prompt is given to members as a subject for a poem.  Because it's a popular activity, at some point, it was decided to do the same thing in November (halfway to April), thus, daily prompts are provided during November also.

As Quix said in an excellent explanation that I can't seem to find now, "it's a judgement free zone", that is, the poems are not critiqued.  You can write as many (or as few) as you like, they don't need to be or even expected to be polished final products.  There are no prizes, but the point is to try to write a poem each day.  But of course, you can just write one when the prompt "prompts" you to so so.

Hope this helps.

Also thank you for your critique of The Names and welcome to Pig Pen.

[CircleWalker]

Thanks for the reply. What are "LPiA prompts"?

You can find them in the "Latest Threads" bar or in "Milo's Forum."

Tiger's pointed you to their location.  LPiA stands for Let's Pretend it's April.  That refers to April because it is National Poetry Month.  During April, a daily prompt is given to members as a subject for a poem.  Because it's a popular activity, at some point, it was decided to do the same thing in November (halfway to April), thus, daily prompts are provided during November also.

As Quix said in an excellent explanation that I can't seem to find now, "it's a judgement free zone", that is, the poems are not critiqued.  You can write as many (or as few) as you like, they don't need to be or even expected to be polished final products.  There are no prizes, but the point is to try to write a poem each day.  But of course, you can just write one when the prompt "prompts" you to so so.

Hope this helps.

Also thank you for your critique of The Names and welcome to Pig Pen.
[/quote]

Thanks for the explanation. Much appreciated.