"Let Me Show You the Life of the Mind"

[TranquillityBase]

“Let Me Show You the Life of the Mind”

So said John Goodman’s character
in Barton Fink.
It’s my mantra, my way of the pilgrim,
I collect my visions and store them away
in a hidden fortress of solitude
The Prester John Memorial Library.
I was born an empath, and a lover of women,
it’s been my destiny for 70 years,
like Jean de Florette, the rational refuses me,
apocalypse is always just around the corner,
it will always be waiting, the corners keep coming,
I am its messenger, a mutant Paul Revere.
I’m the only survivor, Alphaville has long since
been replaced by strip malls 
and the discordant music of a corrupted world.
I seek out my muses and cultivate
their unrealities, experiments in dismay,
bind them into illustrated editions 
that go to the Omega Collection, it’s kept
locked away for the next generation
that will never come.
This is my message in a bottle
but the bottle is empty and floats in a void
where the dead seem happy 
and the living thrive in their ignorance.
Take my words for it, or don’t.
I’m almost done with my impossible task
and it’s been worth every minute
ticked off on the clock of things unknown.

[dukealien]

“Let Me Show You the Life of the Mind”

So said John Goodman’s character
in Barton Fink.
It’s my mantra, my way of the pilgrim,
I collect my visions and store them away
in a hidden fortress of solitude
The Prester John Memorial Library.
I was born an empath, and a lover of women,
it’s been my destiny for 70 years,
like Jean de Florette, the rational refuses me,
apocalypse is always just around the corner,
it will always be waiting, the corners keep coming,  perhaps a more descriptive word than "waiting" - "lurking?"
I am its messenger, a mutant Paul Revere.  or, since the speaker keeps them hidden away, a mute Paul Revere?
I’m the only survivor, Alphaville has long since
been replaced by strip malls 
and the discordant music of a corrupted world.
I seek out my muses and cultivate
their unrealities, experiments in dismay,
bind them into illustrated editions 
that go to the Omega Collection, it’s kept
locked away for the next generation
that will never come.  is there a reason for this depressing prediction, other than those strip malls?
This is my message in a bottle
but the bottle is empty and floats in a void
where the dead seem happy 
and the living thrive in their ignorance.  but without offspring for a next generation
Take my words for it, or don’t.
I’m almost done with my impossible task
and it’s been worth every minute
ticked off on the clock of things unknown.  concluding two lines are quite good, and do round off the message.

Had to look up several of the references, but the general tenor was clear enough.

As an explication of "the life of the mind" this is descriptive and concise, showing by means of the name-drops as the reader unpacks them in the course of  the story.

I found "empath" a bit discordant - an empathic person wouldn't feel so cut off, would he?  Or are we to infer that this results from rejecting his born empathy?

In basic critique, this is effective in leading the reader to empathize with the speaker's lonely life of the mind, if the reader is willing.  Perhaps the willingness could be cultivated with a more descriptive tour of the fortress of solitude's contents instead of exhibit headings (in the form of movie/literary references).

But, as is, it lives up to its title.

[TranquillityBase]

“Let Me Show You the Life of the Mind”

So said John Goodman’s character
in Barton Fink.
It’s my mantra, my way of the pilgrim,
I collect my visions and store them away
in a hidden fortress of solitude
The Prester John Memorial Library.
I was born an empath, and a lover of women,
it’s been my destiny for 70 years,
like Jean de Florette, the rational refuses me,
apocalypse is always just around the corner,
it will always be waiting, the corners keep coming,  perhaps a more descriptive word than "waiting" - "lurking?"
I am its messenger, a mutant Paul Revere.  or, since the speaker keeps them hidden away, a mute Paul Revere?
I’m the only survivor, Alphaville has long since
been replaced by strip malls 
and the discordant music of a corrupted world.
I seek out my muses and cultivate
their unrealities, experiments in dismay,
bind them into illustrated editions 
that go to the Omega Collection, it’s kept
locked away for the next generation
that will never come.  is there a reason for this depressing prediction, other than those strip malls?
This is my message in a bottle
but the bottle is empty and floats in a void
where the dead seem happy 
and the living thrive in their ignorance.  but without offspring for a next generation
Take my words for it, or don’t.
I’m almost done with my impossible task
and it’s been worth every minute
ticked off on the clock of things unknown.  concluding two lines are quite good, and do round off the message.

Had to look up several of the references, but the general tenor was clear enough.

As an explication of "the life of the mind" this is descriptive and concise, showing by means of the name-drops as the reader unpacks them in the course of  the story.

I found "empath" a bit discordant - an empathic person wouldn't feel so cut off, would he?  Or are we to infer that this results from rejecting his born empathy?

In basic critique, this is effective in leading the reader to empathize with the speaker's lonely life of the mind, if the reader is willing.  Perhaps the willingness could be cultivated with a more descriptive tour of the fortress of solitude's contents instead of exhibit headings (in the form of movie/literary references).

But, as is, it lives up to its title.

Thanks (again) Duke for taking this one on.  I was beginning to despair of getting any comments at all.  I was in a peculiar mood, a sort of "rage against the machine" mood when I wrote it.  But I wanted to let it all hang out, as they used to say.  

You've given me some good insight into what I can/cannot get away with.  I'd be curious what you had to look up, if you've got the time and patience to tell me.

The individual notes on specific lines are invaluable.

TqB

[dukealien]

Thanks (again) Duke for taking this one on.  I was beginning to despair of getting any comments at all.  I was in a peculiar mood, a sort of "rage against the machine" mood when I wrote it.  But I wanted to let it all hang out, as they used to say.  

You've given me some good insight into what I can/cannot get away with.  I'd be curious what you had to look up, if you've got the time and patience to tell me.

The individual notes on specific lines are invaluable.

TqB

I had to look up Barton Fink and Jean de Florette, and checked up on Alphaville while I was at it to make sure it was what the title nudged from memory.  (While Googling B.F. I ran across the same team's Miller's Crossing, which has always enraged me for its unacknowledged theft of 90% of its content from Dashiell Hammett's The Glass Key... despite the tommygun scene, one of my all-time favorites.)

[Mark A Becker]

Hi Tim-
This simple phrase made the poem, for me:
the corners keep coming

[Lizzie]

With regard to your comment of sparse critiques on this one, it is my humble opinion that this piece is a lot to ask of the Basic Forum. There's enough cultural references to ponder, if you want people to seriously engage with it, that it really should be in a serious forum. 

I'll share my first impression, though, which is an overall sense of fatalism about how the speaker's words will be received. In terms of critique, that makes me reluctant to touch it. There's a push pull, like the speaker is crying out to be heard, but also a push away with a general "what's the point, you'll never get it anyway." My experience on the site tells me that this one will be tricky to workshop. 

However, if it were in a different forum, I would certainly give you more of my ignorant advice. 

[TranquillityBase]

With regard to your comment of sparse critiques on this one, it is my humble opinion that this piece is a lot to ask of the Basic Forum. There's enough cultural references to ponder, if you want people to seriously engage with it, that it really should be in a serious forum. 

I'll share my first impression, though, which is an overall sense of fatalism about how the speaker's words will be received. In terms of critique, that makes me reluctant to touch it. There's a push pull, like the speaker is crying out to be heard, but also a push away with a general "what's the point, you'll never get it anyway." My experience on the site tells me that this one will be tricky to workshop. 

However, if it were in a different forum, I would certainly give you more of my ignorant advice. 

Thanks Lizzie,

This is very helpful to hear.  I admit I wasn't thinking very logically when I very deliberately chose to post it in Basic.  You are exactly right about that "push pull".  I wanted people to respond, but not pick it apart, which is a very selfish and not very well-considered motivation on my part. 

If I revise it, I will get it moved to a different section.

TqB