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Time, thief (with apologies to Homer)
Drown me, eyes,
in the liquid light
of your wine dark seas.
We are born to die
and love between
the two mysteries.
My swan necked lover
had a dimpled smile
on her painted cheek.
Time, beggar thief of
everything, bring her to me.
Posts: 9
Threads: 11
Joined: May 2023
(06-28-2023, 07:56 AM)busker Wrote: Time, thief (with apologies to Homer)
Drown me, eyes, -this verb, subject, noun, situation does not work, for me. It's "poetry speak".
in the liquid light
of your wine dark seas.
We are born to die - cliché
and love between
the two mysteries.
My swan necked lover - cliché
had a dimpled smile - cliché
on her painted cheek. -cliché
Time, beggar thief of - cliché
everything, bring her to me.
This should be titled "cliché: the poem"
Posts: 952
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Trollery, calling something cliche is cliche
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
Posts: 9
Threads: 11
Joined: May 2023
(06-29-2023, 07:23 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Trollery, calling something cliche is cliche
No it isn't. It's called criticism. If you can defend "we are born to die" against the criticism of it being cliché, I'll give you ten bucks... worth of >
<
“Well, we were born to die.”
—Romeo & Juliet [1597]
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(06-28-2023, 07:56 AM)busker Wrote: Time, thief (with apologies to Homer)
Drown me, eyes,
in the liquid light
of your wine dark seas. "your" threw me a bit (e.g. referring back to "eyes"); but rereading, I get it
We are born to die
and love between I think flipping "die" and "love" would improve it. "We are born to love/and die between"
the two mysteries.
My swan necked lover
had a dimpled smile
on her painted cheek.
Time, beggar thief of
everything, bring her to me.
Hi Busker,
A few notes above. Overall, enjoyed its simplicity and the allusions and especially ll. 7-11.
TqB
Posts: 471
Threads: 204
Joined: Dec 2017
(06-29-2023, 08:44 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: (06-28-2023, 07:56 AM)busker Wrote: Time, thief (with apologies to Homer)
Drown me, eyes,
in the liquid light
of your wine dark seas. "your" threw me a bit (e.g. referring back to "eyes"); but rereading, I get it
We are born to die
and love between I think flipping "die" and "love" would improve it. "We are born to love/and die between"
the two mysteries.
My swan necked lover
had a dimpled smile
on her painted cheek.
Time, beggar thief of
everything, bring her to me.
Hi Busker,
A few notes above. Overall, enjoyed its simplicity and the allusions and especially ll. 7-11.
TqB
Thanks, TqB.
Much appreciated
