Hickory Run State Park

[brynmawr1]

I found a place where I was lost
in green light on a forest floor,
 
refracted as the deepest sea.
Scattered, naked trunks of trees
 
towered like meaty kelp toward the sky.
An emerald surface dipped and swayed
 
by waves of leeward wind. The sun beamed
in slanted rays, a quiet serenade
 
through a still and misted air.
Dappled ferns carpet sandy ground
 
swaying with a verdant tide; drawn 
deeper down by each fiddlehead
 
sun-tipped fractal curl to depths
a sailor might happily drown.

[rowens]

I found a place where I was lost
in green light on a forest floor,
 
refracted as the deepest sea.
Scattered, naked trunks of trees

The green.
Don't over do it, for no reason. 

 
towered like meaty kelp toward the sky.
An emerald surface dipped and swayed
 
by waves of leeward wind. The sun beamed
in slanted rays, a quiet serenade

It may be a quiet serenade,

 
through a still and misted air.
Dappled ferns carpet sandy ground
 
swaying with a verdant tide; drawn 
deeper down by each fiddlehead


Green is in all this

 
sun-tipped fractal curl to depths
a sailor might happily drown.



The effects you are using are good,  but not fine. 

---

And, ignoring my above review,


you have sonic effects and green color affect effects,

but it sounds mechanical.

Now, is nature mechanical?
Is rhythm?

[Kynaston Levitt]

I found a place where I was lost
in green light on a forest floor, - I'm already there. Great opening. 
 
refracted as the deepest sea. - this line is confusing to me. Firstly, what is being "refracted" from the previous lines? And secondly, "refracted as the sea"? The sea isn't refracted. So, something can't be refracted as it. I wonder what you thought this line meant. And I also wonder what other readers think you meant by this line. 
Scattered, naked trunks of trees - excellent.
 
towered like meaty kelp toward the sky. - genius. 
An emerald surface dipped and swayed
 
by waves of leeward wind. The sun beamed
in slanted rays, a quiet serenade - this is beautiful. It almost made me cry. 
 
through a still and misted air.
Dappled ferns carpet sandy ground
 
swaying with a verdant tide; drawn 
deeper down by each fiddlehead
 
sun-tipped fractal curl to depths
a sailor might happily drown.

Yeah, this is a nice little poem. It's super 90's, with all the allusions to physics and the beach, etc. But I like 90s stuff, so, it's rad.

[TranquillityBase]

I found a place where I was lost
in green light on a forest floor,
 
refracted as the deepest sea.
Scattered, naked trunks of trees
 
towered like meaty kelp toward the sky.          For some reason, this image doesn't work for me.  It may be that adjective "meaty".  "flowing" (?)
An emerald surface dipped and swayed
 
by waves of leeward wind. The sun beamed
in slanted rays, a quiet serenade
 
through a still and misted air.
Dappled ferns carpet sandy ground
 
swaying with a verdant tide; drawn 
deeper down by each fiddlehead
 
sun-tipped fractal curl to depths      curls (?) since you are referencing "ferns" never mind, misreading, shdn't do critiques so early in morning
a sailor might happily drown.          "where" a sailor.... (?)

Bryn,

I like the way this moves like a camera in for the close-up of the ferns.  I think the ocean metaphor works well throughout.

TqB

[Valerie Please]

refracted as the deepest sea. - this line is confusing to me. Firstly, what is being "refracted" from the previous lines? And secondly, "refracted as the sea"? The sea isn't refracted. So, something can't be refracted as it. I wonder what you thought this line meant. And I also wonder what other readers think you meant by this line. 

I cant resist being invited to give an opinion. I'm going to strongly differ here and say that I don't find it confusing at all. Water refracts light, water in the ocean is refracted. Light is also refracted by the leaves of trees. Ergo, we are extending the metaphor for how a forest is like an ocean. 

I get you brynmawr1. When you want to get gotten, come get me.

As for everything else, I am going to agree. It's a nice poem. Nothing jumps out at me that I'd change really. But I'm sleepy, so if my opinion truck fills up, I'll back it in and let it dump.

Thanks for the share!

Valerie, Please

[brynmawr1]

I found a place where I was lost
in green light on a forest floor,
 
refracted as the deepest sea.
Scattered, naked trunks of trees

The green.
Don't over do it, for no reason. 

 
towered like meaty kelp toward the sky.
An emerald surface dipped and swayed
 
by waves of leeward wind. The sun beamed
in slanted rays, a quiet serenade

It may be a quiet serenade,         is this a suggested line or an observation?

 
through a still and misted air.
Dappled ferns carpet sandy ground
 
swaying with a verdant tide; drawn 
deeper down by each fiddlehead


Green is in all this

 
sun-tipped fractal curl to depths
a sailor might happily drown.



The effects you are using are good,  but not fine. 

---

And, ignoring my above review,


you have sonic effects and green color affect effects,

but it sounds mechanical.

Now, is nature mechanical?
Is rhythm?

Hi rowen,
Yes, green it is.  Smothering, drowning.  maybe I need to go more green?  I can work on the mechanical, I think.  might be beyond me without more input.
Thanks,
bryn

---

I found a place where I was lost
in green light on a forest floor, - I'm already there. Great opening. 
 
refracted as the deepest sea. - this line is confusing to me. Firstly, what is being "refracted" from the previous lines? And secondly, "refracted as the sea"? The sea isn't refracted. So, something can't be refracted as it. I wonder what you thought this line meant. And I also wonder what other readers think you meant by this line. 
Scattered, naked trunks of trees - excellent.
 
towered like meaty kelp toward the sky. - genius. 
An emerald surface dipped and swayed
 
by waves of leeward wind. The sun beamed
in slanted rays, a quiet serenade - this is beautiful. It almost made me cry. 
 
through a still and misted air.
Dappled ferns carpet sandy ground
 
swaying with a verdant tide; drawn 
deeper down by each fiddlehead
 
sun-tipped fractal curl to depths
a sailor might happily drown.

Yeah, this is a nice little poem. It's super 90's, with all the allusions to physics and the beach, etc. But I like 90s stuff, so, it's rad.

Hi KL,
Thanks for reading and commenting.  I guess I am a product of the 90's.  I'll think about the 'refracted' reference.
Take care,
bryn

---

I found a place where I was lost
in green light on a forest floor,
 
refracted as the deepest sea.
Scattered, naked trunks of trees
 
towered like meaty kelp toward the sky.          For some reason, this image doesn't work for me.  It may be that adjective "meaty".  "flowing" (?)
An emerald surface dipped and swayed
 
by waves of leeward wind. The sun beamed
in slanted rays, a quiet serenade
 
through a still and misted air.
Dappled ferns carpet sandy ground
 
swaying with a verdant tide; drawn 
deeper down by each fiddlehead
 
sun-tipped fractal curl to depths      curls (?) since you are referencing "ferns" never mind, misreading, shdn't do critiques so early in morning
a sailor might happily drown.          "where" a sailor.... (?)   good suggestion

Bryn,

I like the way this moves like a camera in for the close-up of the ferns.  I think the ocean metaphor works well throughout.

TqB

Hi TqB,
I appreciate your comments.  I have struggled with the syntax of the fern-curl line myself and still not sure.  "meaty" was a stretch for me too.  I kept coming back to it but not sure it fits the tone.  I've been reading a lot of Jim Harrison lately.  Wish I could capture the ease of his muscular tone.
thanks again,
bryn

---

refracted as the deepest sea. - this line is confusing to me. Firstly, what is being "refracted" from the previous lines? And secondly, "refracted as the sea"? The sea isn't refracted. So, something can't be refracted as it. I wonder what you thought this line meant. And I also wonder what other readers think you meant by this line. 

I cant resist being invited to give an opinion. I'm going to strongly differ here and say that I don't find it confusing at all. Water refracts light, water in the ocean is refracted. Light is also refracted by the leaves of trees. Ergo, we are extending the metaphor for how a forest is like an ocean. 

I get you brynmawr1. When you want to get gotten, come get me.

As for everything else, I am going to agree. It's a nice poem. Nothing jumps out at me that I'd change really. But I'm sleepy, so if my opinion truck fills up, I'll back it in and let it dump.

Thanks for the share!

Valerie, Please

Ha! thanks for you enthusiastic support.  Get some sleep and let me know what you really think. 
later,
bryn

[Kynaston Levitt]

refracted as the deepest sea. - this line is confusing to me. Firstly, what is being "refracted" from the previous lines? And secondly, "refracted as the sea"? The sea isn't refracted. So, something can't be refracted as it. I wonder what you thought this line meant. And I also wonder what other readers think you meant by this line. 

I cant resist being invited to give an opinion. I'm going to strongly differ here and say that I don't find it confusing at all. Water refracts light, water in the ocean is refracted. Light is also refracted by the leaves of trees. Ergo, we are extending the metaphor for how a forest is like an ocean. 

I get you brynmawr1. When you want to get gotten, come get me.

As for everything else, I am going to agree. It's a nice poem. Nothing jumps out at me that I'd change really. But I'm sleepy, so if my opinion truck fills up, I'll back it in and let it dump.

Thanks for the share!

Valerie, Please

"Water refracts light, water in the ocean is refracted."

Light in the ocean is refracted, not water. Water in the ocean refracts. In order to be "refracted" the refracted thing must be, by definition, light. Hence, to be refracted as "something" the "something" must be light. The definition of "refracted" is so specific to light light has to be the conclusion of the simile. I.e., I could be refracted as light in the ocean. I couldn't be refracted as the ocean. Light could be refracted in the ocean. Light cannot be refracted as the ocean (the ocean could be refracted as light—light is the only conclusion of the simile "X is refracted as..."). 

So, the line, to make sense, should say: I found a place where I was lost / in green light on a forest floor / refracted, as in the deepest ocean...

This still isn't great. Personally, I think the choice to use the scientifically specific word "refraction" is a mistake. Most people will read it as reflection, anyway. Actually, that's a good way of showing how it doesn't really make sense. Imagine it were "reflected"—would you say something is "reflected as the ocean"? No, you'd say it's reflected in the ocean—you could also say "reflective as the ocean".

Just to be sure, it's only this simile that doesn't make any sense, I really like the poem, in general.

[busker]

I found a place where I was lost
in green light on a forest floor,
 
refracted as the deepest sea. … I understand that the superlative is there for the metre, but for me it creates the problem that the deepest sea is pitch black on the floor. It’s pitch black we’ll before you even consider the deepest sea. Maybe consider ‘shallow sea’ instead?

That apart, ‘refracted’ is fine, since it’s the refraction that separates out the green light from other wavelengths…unless you want to be really technical about it*. I wouldn’t worry about the specific point that it is sunlight through the layers of seawater that is refracted and not the sea itself…it’s not a physics textbook. Anyway, it’s a minor quibble. Poetic licence can be invoked here.
Scattered, naked trunks of trees
 
towered like meaty kelp toward the sky. … I love ‘meaty kelp’. Nice simile here.
An emerald surface dipped and swayed … ‘green, emerald, verdant’ - I think just the first reference is enough so as not to overdo it 
 
by waves of leeward wind. The sun beamed
in slanted rays, a quiet serenade … perhaps a full stop after rays? The other thing is, a reference to the ‘still and misted air’ breaks up the analogy of the sea floor for me a bit abruptly before diving back into it in the next line. If the idea is that the wind is the analogue of seawater, then perhaps it should be thick and misty, rather than still and misty…or something. This to me is the only abrupt part of the poem.
 
through a still and misted air.
Dappled ferns carpet sandy ground
 
swaying with a verdant tide; drawn 
deeper down by each fiddlehead
 
sun-tipped fractal curl to depths
a sailor might happily drown. … nice ending 

---

*Technically speaking, refraction is merely the bending of light rays as they pass from one to another different - density medium. We know that lights of different wavelengths refract more or less (shorter wavelength = bends more). This much is perhaps seventh or ninth grade science.

But as to why the sea ends up appearing blue is not because of refraction, but because of Rayleigh scattering. The blue end of the spectrum is absorbed less and scattered more. The blue end also contains some green light. On a shallow seabed, you’ll see blue light or green, depending on the concentration of blue light absorbing microorganisms.

But I wouldn’t mind ‘refracted’, as it’s a close enough concept for poetry

[O. M. Geezersnaps]

The good news is that a human can drown in only 3 inches of water, so great depths are not necessary for the central metaphor to work. 

I wonder if "meaty" doesn't blend well with the rest of the piece because it's opposite your style. We all experiment with different techniques, but the most compelling voice is always your own. 

Strikes me as quite a Romantic poem, in the historical sense. Wherever your poetry journey takes you, this style does work for you judging from the intensity of people's responses. 
And the fiddleheads; Romantics love those fiddlehead ferns...

[Mark A Becker]

Hello Steve-
I have not read any of the other comments, so I'm looking at this with fresh eyes.


I found a place where I was lost
in green light on a forest floor,  OK, fair enough opening

refracted as the deepest sea.  this phrase doesn't make sense to me. I understand refraction but not in this context.  Maybe 'refracted by the deepest sea'. Still, it almost reads as if you are beng refracted (not the light).
Scattered, naked trunks of trees

towered like meaty kelp toward the sky.  odd phrase, and hard for me to picture
An emerald surface dipped and swayed  confused by this, too. Maybe 'undulating'?

by waves of leeward wind. The sun beamed 
in slanted rays, a quiet serenade  mixing up my senses here. What am I hearing if it's quiet?

through a still and misted air. Hmm... first we have wind and now still air. Which is it?
Dappled ferns carpet sandy ground

swaying with a verdant tide; drawn
deeper down by each fiddlehead

sun-tipped fractal curl to depths
a sailor might happily drown. Is the sailor trying to drown the fiddleheads, or is the sailor drowning?

I don't know, Steve, there's a lot of sensory feel to this piece, but I never re-surface to that forest floor.
Sorry if I'm sounding a bit harsh, but I think you need to take a deep breath and re-visit this one. 

[brynmawr1]

Hello Steve-
I have not read any of the other comments, so I'm looking at this with fresh eyes.


I found a place where I was lost
in green light on a forest floor,  OK, fair enough opening

refracted as the deepest sea.  this phrase doesn't make sense to me. I understand refraction but not in this context.  Maybe 'refracted by the deepest sea'. Still, it almost reads as if you are beng refracted (not the light).
Scattered, naked trunks of trees

towered like meaty kelp toward the sky.  odd phrase, and hard for me to picture
An emerald surface dipped and swayed  confused by this, too. Maybe 'undulating'?

by waves of leeward wind. The sun beamed 
in slanted rays, a quiet serenade  mixing up my senses here. What am I hearing if it's quiet?

through a still and misted air. Hmm... first we have wind and now still air. Which is it?
Dappled ferns carpet sandy ground

swaying with a verdant tide; drawn
deeper down by each fiddlehead

sun-tipped fractal curl to depths
a sailor might happily drown. Is the sailor trying to drown the fiddleheads, or is the sailor drowning?

I don't know, Steve, there's a lot of sensory feel to this piece, but I never re-surface to that forest floor.
Sorry if I'm sounding a bit harsh, but I think you need to take a deep breath and re-visit this one. 

HI Mark,
Thanks for reading and your detailed comments.  This one has generated a lot of back and forth.  Others didn't like 'meaty' either, some did.  I will go over your comments and see where I might adjust to make things clearer.
Thanks
steve

---

The good news is that a human can drown in only 3 inches of water, so great depths are not necessary for the central metaphor to work. 

I wonder if "meaty" doesn't blend well with the rest of the piece because it's opposite your style. We all experiment with different techniques, but the most compelling voice is always your own. 

Strikes me as quite a Romantic poem, in the historical sense. Wherever your poetry journey takes you, this style does work for you judging from the intensity of people's responses. 
And the fiddleheads; Romantics love those fiddlehead ferns...

Thanks again OMG for reading and commenting.
bryn