untitled

[brynmawr1]

A love letter lies
on a park bench words bleeding
with every rain drop

alternative version

His love letter lies
on a park bench words bleeding
more with each rain drop

[TranquillityBase]

His love letter lies
on a park bench words bleeding
with every rain drop

alternative version

His love letter lies
on a park bench words bleeding
more with each rain drop

I like posted version best.  I think the title gives away too much, lessening the impact it could have.

 and I know how you feel about titles.

Maybe that's why haiku don't have titles.  You can always use the untitled label.

[brynmawr1]

His love letter lies
on a park bench words bleeding
with every rain drop

alternative version

His love letter lies
on a park bench words bleeding
more with each rain drop

I like posted version best.  I think the title gives away too much, lessening the impact it could have.

 and I know how you feel about titles.

Maybe that's why haiku don't have titles.  You can always use the untitled label.

Using untitled is a great suggestion.  I had a "Duh!" moment.  Going to use it for all my poems now, maybe.
Thanks for reading and commenting.
Bryn

[Valerie Please]

I agree with TB on the posted version being the better. 

God, that poor sad love letter!

His love letter lies
on a park bench words bleeding
with every rain drop

alternative version

His love letter lies
on a park bench words bleeding
more with each rain drop

[brynmawr1]

I agree with TB on the posted version being the better. 

God, that poor sad love letter!

His love letter lies
on a park bench words bleeding
with every rain drop

alternative version

His love letter lies
on a park bench words bleeding
more with each rain drop

Hi Val,
I've gone round and round about whether the first word should be a pronoun or an article.  Any thoughts?
Thanks,
bryn

[TranquillityBase]

I've gone round and round about whether the first word should be a pronoun or an article.  Any thoughts?
Thanks,
bryn

I think an article, "a", would make the poem all that much more enigmatic.  My 2 cents.

TqB

[Valerie Please]

B:

I'm now going to disagree with TB (I hope he doesn't mind): I like the humanizing touch of "his," since it does point to a backstory. IMO it gives the letter more pathos and for me the poem works because you wind up personifying the letter, or making it an avatar for the broken-hearted man

I think I want a hug now!

VP

I agree with TB on the posted version being the better. 

God, that poor sad love letter!

His love letter lies
on a park bench words bleeding
with every rain drop

alternative version

His love letter lies
on a park bench words bleeding
more with each rain drop

Hi Val,
I've gone round and round about whether the first word should be a pronoun or an article.  Any thoughts?
Thanks,
bryn

[busker]

Def prefer the article over the possessive ie the current version