The Abstracted Jackhammer

[Tiger the Lion]

The Abstracted Jackhammer


He's sick of concrete;
sick of belittled gems
angling prayer toward the sun
to one day again, reflect more than grey.
 
He's sick of huddled grains of sand
squatting between the toes of content,
rallying to erode rest;
drunk and conceited with numbers.
 
He's sick of Styrofoam salads
promising the sun
while the earth forever gives birth
under a cloud of speculation.
 
He's sick of barnacles
lobbying for free trade at low tide;
stowed away on apathy—
under Titanic immunity.
 
He's sick of dull words
playing whore in a Bull market,
seducing both mammon and men
with the same loose lips.
 
He's sick of us pitching disaster
to terrified men—
just to get them to work on time.

[TranquillityBase]

The Abstracted Jackhammer





He's sick of concrete;

sick of belittled gems

angling prayer toward the sun

to one day again, reflect more than grey.

 

He's sick of huddled grains of sand

squatting between the toes of content,

rallying to erode rest;

drunk and conceited with numbers.

 

He's sick of Styrofoam salads

promising the sun

while the earth forever gives birth

under a cloud of speculation.

 

He's sick of barnacles

lobbying for free trade at low tide;

stowed away on apathy—

under Titanic immunity.

 

He's sick of dull words

playing whore in a Bull market,

seducing both mammon and men

with the same loose lips.

 

He's sick of us pitching disaster

to terrified men—

just to get them to work on time.

Love the poem, though I'm still coming to grips with meaning.  First off, the title causes me to read the repeated "he's" as the Jackhammer.  But the Abstracted Jackhammer throws me a curve.  The Distracted Jackhammer I would understand.



Some really great imagery in every stanza.  It moves from the concrete through its metamorphing into something that at least sounds to me political.  But as I said, still putting this one together in my head.



Tim

_____________________________________________________________ and

the imagery forms a natural progression and links the stanzas together as the meaning also seems to transform from those initial 

belittled gems
angling prayer toward the sun
to one day again, reflect more than grey

to the 


dull words
playing whore in a Bull market,
seducing both mammon and men
with the same loose lips.

and on to the last lines.

I don't think the last laines do the poem justice.  Maybe look at them.

[Tiger the Lion]

The Abstracted Jackhammer





He's sick of concrete;

sick of belittled gems

angling prayer toward the sun

to one day again, reflect more than grey.

 

He's sick of huddled grains of sand

squatting between the toes of content,

rallying to erode rest;

drunk and conceited with numbers.

 

He's sick of Styrofoam salads

promising the sun

while the earth forever gives birth

under a cloud of speculation.

 

He's sick of barnacles

lobbying for free trade at low tide;

stowed away on apathy—

under Titanic immunity.

 

He's sick of dull words

playing whore in a Bull market,

seducing both mammon and men

with the same loose lips.

 

He's sick of us pitching disaster

to terrified men—

just to get them to work on time.

Love the poem, though I'm still coming to grips with meaning.  First off, the title causes me to read the repeated "he's" as the Jackhammer.  But the Abstracted Jackhammer throws me a curve.  The Distracted Jackhammer I would understand.



Some really great imagery in every stanza.  It moves from the concrete through its metamorphing into something that at least sounds to me political.  But as I said, still putting this one together in my head.



Tim

_____________________________________________________________ and

the imagery forms a natural progression and links the stanzas together as the meaning also seems to transform from those initial 

belittled gems
angling prayer toward the sun
to one day again, reflect more than grey

to the 


dull words
playing whore in a Bull market,
seducing both mammon and men
with the same loose lips.

and on to the last lines.

I don't think the last laines do the poem justice.  Maybe look at them.

Thanks TB. Digesting your read. But yes, He is the jackhammer, or at least identifies as such.

[Wjames]

The Abstracted Jackhammer


He's sick of concrete; Good opening line playing off the title.
sick of belittled gems 
angling prayer toward the sun
to one day again, reflect more than grey. I don't think the comma is needed.
 
He's sick of huddled grains of sand
squatting between the toes of content, 
rallying to erode rest;
drunk and conceited with numbers. A nice little russian doll of sickness the concrete has given birth to here.
 
He's sick of Styrofoam salads
promising the sun
while the earth forever gives birth
under a cloud of speculation. This is my favourite stanza.
 
He's sick of barnacles
lobbying for free trade at low tide; 
stowed away on apathy—
under Titanic immunity.  Is immunity the right word? I think it could be improved.
 
He's sick of dull words
playing whore in a Bull market,
seducing both mammon and men
with the same loose lips.
 
He's sick of us pitching disaster
to terrified men—
just to get them to work on time. I agree with tranquil the ending is the weakest part.

Hey Tiger, this is great - each stanza is very fun to read.

The way I am interpreting it, the poem is sort of like the old saying 'To a man with a hammer, everything looks like a nail' - the 'Jackhammer' is someone who derides every opinion/policy/stance but does not produce any real alternatives - just destroys.

I could be way off, though - I think the poem could be improved by adding some clarity (although you want to keep it somewaht subtle). 

What is interesting to me is that the Jackhammer is sick of all of this stuff that they are quite right to deride - but to my read they are still an antagonist.

One thought I had would be to change the last stanza to be about what the Jackhammer wants. They are sick of all of this stuff - is there anything they actually enjoy/desire (the answer could be no)?

[Lizzie]

Hi, Tiger. This one takes a little time to get into like those Magic Eye books. Overall, I see a speaker tired of the status quo and ready to shake things up. That's the understanding that I'm operating from.

It's important that you signaled clearly to the reader with your title that they'll need soft focus and imagination. I like the title. 

The Abstracted Jackhammer


He's sick of concrete; -- a good initial hook
sick of belittled gems
angling prayer toward the sun -- This idea of reflection as a form of praise for a solar deity is intriguing. 
to one day again, reflect more than grey. -- The pebbles would have been pretty dull originally unless you went to the work of polishing them. So, I'm not sure where the "again" part comes into play. Anyway, I like the idea that the jackhammer could be the enemy of all things static. 
 
He's sick of huddled grains of sand
squatting between the toes of content, 
rallying to erode rest; -- ???
drunk and conceited with numbers. -- In the first stanza, it sounds like we're meant to empathize with the elements of the concrete and wish them freed. But, since the beach isn't particularly static, this stanza doesn't seem to fit conceptually. Sounds like this stanza is touching on the homelessness crisis, which may be a desperate over-reach. However, vagary invites such liberties. 
 
He's sick of Styrofoam salads
promising the sun -- if this is a greenhouse scenario, maybe the lettuce was promised the sun but didn't receive? Otherwise, it reads like the lettuce promised sun to the hammer and didn't deliver. Expecting a bit much of the lettuce, in my opinion. 
while the earth forever gives birth
under a cloud of speculation. -- Modern agricultural practices are what's making the salad taste of nothing. I think it would be good for this stanza and the poem as a whole to give a clearer sense of what the hammer wants to break up. In this instance, perhaps it's the greenhouses that aren't letting the lettuce get enough light. Who or what is speculating -- perhaps a reference to climate change?
 
He's sick of barnacles -- I like the idea of opportunistic hangers-on, but barnacles can't survive for long stretches above water -- they tolerate low tide until they can get back in the water. Unless that's the idea, that they're not acting in their own self interest, but then why demonize them? I'm not sure who is the villain anymore... 
lobbying for free trade at low tide; -- thinking of the ship stuck in the Suez Canal
stowed away on apathy— -- it's hard to show apathy, but this is a bit too much telling
under Titanic immunity. -- I'm taking from this a reference to the legal problems that arise from that part of the Atlantic being international waters and subject to less regulation. 
 
He's sick of dull words
playing whore in a Bull market,
seducing both mammon and men
with the same loose lips. 
 
He's sick of us pitching disaster -- the "us" is terribly vague
to terrified men—
just to get them to work on time. -- I agree that this is an abrupt ending. Also, 'getting to work on time' is kind of a stock phrase. The idea is good, I just think it needs to be re-worded. 

I like the idea of a rogue jackhammer, rampaging around the world and breaking stuff up that is bad for the world or isn't functioning properly. I don't think that vision is fully realized here because there's so many different thought tangents that the reader could justify. My top line advice is: (1) be completely clear in your own mind what the desire of the jackhammer is, and (2) make sure that each example is consistent with this vision. That will help tighten the conceit. 

Finally, you have an opportunity to add details about the jackhammer's construction/constitution to build out the anthropomorphism. 

All the best,

Lizzie

[Tiger the Lion]

Hi, Tiger. This one takes a little time to get into like those Magic Eye books. Overall, I see a speaker tired of the status quo and ready to shake things up. That's the understanding that I'm operating from.

It's important that you signaled clearly to the reader with your title that they'll need soft focus and imagination. I like the title. 

The Abstracted Jackhammer


He's sick of concrete; -- a good initial hook
sick of belittled gems
angling prayer toward the sun -- This idea of reflection as a form of praise for a solar deity is intriguing. 
to one day again, reflect more than grey. -- The pebbles would have been pretty dull originally unless you went to the work of polishing them. So, I'm not sure where the "again" part comes into play. Anyway, I like the idea that the jackhammer could be the enemy of all things static. 
 
He's sick of huddled grains of sand
squatting between the toes of content, 
rallying to erode rest; -- ???
drunk and conceited with numbers. -- In the first stanza, it sounds like we're meant to empathize with the elements of the concrete and wish them freed. But, since the beach isn't particularly static, this stanza doesn't seem to fit conceptually. Sounds like this stanza is touching on the homelessness crisis, which may be a desperate over-reach. However, vagary invites such liberties. 
 
He's sick of Styrofoam salads
promising the sun -- if this is a greenhouse scenario, maybe the lettuce was promised the sun but didn't receive? Otherwise, it reads like the lettuce promised sun to the hammer and didn't deliver. Expecting a bit much of the lettuce, in my opinion. 
while the earth forever gives birth
under a cloud of speculation. -- Modern agricultural practices are what's making the salad taste of nothing. I think it would be good for this stanza and the poem as a whole to give a clearer sense of what the hammer wants to break up. In this instance, perhaps it's the greenhouses that aren't letting the lettuce get enough light. Who or what is speculating -- perhaps a reference to climate change?
 
He's sick of barnacles -- I like the idea of opportunistic hangers-on, but barnacles can't survive for long stretches above water -- they tolerate low tide until they can get back in the water. Unless that's the idea, that they're not acting in their own self interest, but then why demonize them? I'm not sure who is the villain anymore... 
lobbying for free trade at low tide; -- thinking of the ship stuck in the Suez Canal
stowed away on apathy— -- it's hard to show apathy, but this is a bit too much telling
under Titanic immunity. -- I'm taking from this a reference to the legal problems that arise from that part of the Atlantic being international waters and subject to less regulation. 
 
He's sick of dull words
playing whore in a Bull market,
seducing both mammon and men
with the same loose lips. 
 
He's sick of us pitching disaster -- the "us" is terribly vague
to terrified men—
just to get them to work on time. -- I agree that this is an abrupt ending. Also, 'getting to work on time' is kind of a stock phrase. The idea is good, I just think it needs to be re-worded. 

I like the idea of a rogue jackhammer, rampaging around the world and breaking stuff up that is bad for the world or isn't functioning properly. I don't think that vision is fully realized here because there's so many different thought tangents that the reader could justify. My top line advice is: (1) be completely clear in your own mind what the desire of the jackhammer is, and (2) make sure that each example is consistent with this vision. That will help tighten the conceit. 

Finally, you have an opportunity to add details about the jackhammer's construction/constitution to build out the anthropomorphism. 

All the best,

Lizzie

Thanks so much for this Lizzie. Lots to unpack here. I promise to be back once I've digested these WJ and TB's observations. Really pleased to have fresh eyes on this since it was from NaPM 2015 and I still like it enough to toy with it. Much appreciated crit.

[Lizzie]

That's interesting that you mention NaPM, because I was wondering if this was written to a prompt. I know for myself, it's easy to miss that a poem doesn't make sense when disconnected from the inspiration or from the context provided by other poems in a thread. 

I'm also realizing that I didn't respond at all to one part of the poem:

He's sick of dull words -- Dullness is a poor seductress. Perhaps you mean something like vacuous or facile? 
playing whore in a Bull market,
seducing both mammon and men
with the same loose lips.

You have the foundations of some decent phallic imagery here, and that could be a good challenge to explore. It's hard to do without sounding obvious or comical. It can't be too on the nose. However, it's already there in the endowment of a sex identity -- if I were you, I'd lean into it. 

In conclusion, I agree with Tranquility that you haven't properly introduced us to your main character. There's much effort expended exploring what he hates, but all we know about him is that he hates his job and wishes to unplug from the electrical socket to which/whom he's attached. I certainly applaud you for touching on so many topics in this small space (and NaPM doesn't give time for leisurely strolls through the fields of ideas), yet I feel like this is one poem which would benefit from more words not less.

Good luck with it. It has good bones.