Time Piece

[TranquillityBase]

Time Piece

12:30
empty of words.
On parole

I’m waiting
to be really free
out past the yellow daisies.

I know waiting
doesn’t work.

I wait.

It’s 12:30 and I’m empty of words.
To be without them
is to be on parole.

I’m waiting
to be really free
out past the yellow flowers,
that free.

I know the waiting
doesn’t work.

I wait anyway.

[rowens]

Words.
Without them.
12:30,

free,
out past the flowers.


....................................

Ignore me, TqBse, 
or go from there.
Your poem meant something. I want everything to mean something else.
Something unigueslashstrange

---

Words

Without them,
12:30,

free,
out past the flowers,
something

strange
.

---

Should there be a comma after 12:30?


All the stuff you can do with minor detail arrangements.

---

Words
or
without
, 12:30

past the flowers.

Something

---

Your poem as it is works.

But I don't know that.

I want to play.

It’s 12:30
and I’m empty
To be without
is to be

The words

. . .



Games in my heart at 4am.

[TranquillityBase]

Words.
Without them.
12:30,

free,
out past the flowers.


....................................

Ignore me, TqBse, 
or go from there.
Your poem meant something. I want everything to mean something else.
Something unigueslashstrange

---

Words

Without them,
12:30,

free,
out past the flowers,
something

strange
.

---

Should there be a comma after 12:30?


All the stuff you can do with minor detail arrangements.

---

Words
or
without
, 12:30

past the flowers.

Something

---

Your poem as it is works.

But I don't know that.

I want to play.

It’s 12:30
and I’m empty
To be without
is to be

The words

. . . 



Games in my heart at 4am.

Thanks Rowens.

I was expecting something.....I don't know.....something else.  Anyway, those games in your heart led me to do some edits.  Though I seem to have forgotten how to hide the previous versions.  Too scattered to look it up now.

I'm glad it meant something to you.

TqB

[brynmawr1]

Time Piece

12:30
empty of words.                Undecided on your change here.  Seems like if you are going with less in the first two lines should continue and reduce following lines to something like...'out on parole/ waiting to be really free-/out past the yellow daisies (free?).
To be without them
is to be on parole.        I like the parole idea.

I’m waiting
to be really free-
out past the yellow daisies.    I like the idea that the daisies are some sort of delineation.
that free.

I know the waiting
doesn’t work.

I will wait.           Still, I wait?






[pre verse]
It’s 12:30 and I’m empty of words.
To be without them
is to be on parole.

I’m waiting
to be really free
out past the yellow flowers,
that free.

I know the waiting
doesn’t work.

I wait anyway.

[\pre verse]

Hi TqB,

never sure if people want suggestions when they post in non-crit forums, but you seem to so I did!  Nice little piece.  I particularly like the yellow daisy image, a splash of color in an otherwise grey landscape.
Take care,
bryn

[TranquillityBase]

Time Piece

12:30
empty of words.                Undecided on your change here.  Seems like if you are going with less in the first two lines should continue and reduce following lines to something like...'out on parole/ waiting to be really free-/out past the yellow daisies (free?).
To be without them
is to be on parole.        I like the parole idea.

I’m waiting
to be really free-
out past the yellow daisies.    I like the idea that the daisies are some sort of delineation.
that free.

I know the waiting
doesn’t work.

I will wait.           Still, I wait?






[pre verse]
It’s 12:30 and I’m empty of words.
To be without them
is to be on parole.

I’m waiting
to be really free
out past the yellow flowers,
that free.

I know the waiting
doesn’t work.

I wait anyway.

[\pre verse]

Hi TqB,

never sure if people want suggestions when they post in non-crit forums, but you seem to so I did!  Nice little piece.  I particularly like the yellow daisy image, a splash of color in an otherwise grey landscape.
Take care,
bryn

Thanks Bryn, I'm with you on most of the cuts.  The one I hesitate on is cutting the "that free" line.  I thought it made it more conversational to the reader.

TqB

[brynmawr1]

Time Piece

12:30
empty of words.                Undecided on your change here.  Seems like if you are going with less in the first two lines should continue and reduce following lines to something like...'out on parole/ waiting to be really free-/out past the yellow daisies (free?).
To be without them
is to be on parole.        I like the parole idea.

I’m waiting
to be really free-
out past the yellow daisies.    I like the idea that the daisies are some sort of delineation.
that free.

I know the waiting
doesn’t work.

I will wait.           Still, I wait?






[pre verse]
It’s 12:30 and I’m empty of words.
To be without them
is to be on parole.

I’m waiting
to be really free
out past the yellow flowers,
that free.

I know the waiting
doesn’t work.

I wait anyway.

[\pre verse]

Hi TqB,

never sure if people want suggestions when they post in non-crit forums, but you seem to so I did!  Nice little piece.  I particularly like the yellow daisy image, a splash of color in an otherwise grey landscape.
Take care,
bryn

Thanks Bryn, I'm with you on most of the cuts.  The one I hesitate on is cutting the "that free" line.  I thought it made it more conversational to the reader.

TqB

I think it works either way but better to keep the tone consistent.  Either be conversation throughout or terse.  But if you prefer a looser style it can still be tightened, I think.  That’s what my gut tells me.  I’m no expert!

[TranquillityBase]

I think it works either way but better to keep the tone consistent.  Either be conversation throughout or terse.  But if you prefer a looser style it can still be tightened, I think.  That’s what my gut tells me.  I’m no expert!

I tightened it more and excised "that free".  Read your comment and reread the poem and saw immmediately it should go.

Not looking for experts, just honest reaction.  Thanks for the secondary read and critique.

[brynmawr1]

I think it reads well.  Are you happy with it?

Rowen's got me listening to Tom Waits.  Kind of gets me in the writing mood.

[TranquillityBase]

I think it reads well.  Are you happy with it?

Rowen's got me listening to Tom Waits.  Kind of gets me in the writing mood.

For such that it is, I'm happy with it.  It a slight thing.

Are you new to Tom Waits?  I went thorugh a Tom Waits phase, listened to him incessantly.  If you haven't heard it, listen to the Brawlers CD of Orphans.

[brynmawr1]

I think it reads well.  Are you happy with it?

Rowen's got me listening to Tom Waits.  Kind of gets me in the writing mood.

For such that it is, I'm happy with it.  It a slight thing.

Are you new to Tom Waits?  I went thorugh a Tom Waits phase, listened to him incessantly.  If you haven't heard it, listen to the Brawlers CD of Orphans.

Tis with all creation, I think.  I'm sure God has his regrets.  'God's Regrets' would make a great title to some poem, or a punk band.
I had a roommate in the nineties that loved him.  Liked him, but didn't appreciate him at the time.  Will look up your suggestion.
Always a pleasure.