Catechism

[TranquillityBase]

Catechism

What is the signal in the rain?
That a third Spring is coming.

What opened the void
that Spring leaves behind?
A simple phone call: “John is gone.”

Is three years enough to cancel the call?
Long enough to abstract the grief
from the April of his going.

What is now the sum of the grief?
That there was a time before he lived
and now a time after.

How is this next April to be borne?
Where it finds me, I will abide.

Catechism



Is three years long enough?

Time enough to abstract the grief

from the April of your going



What is the sum of the abstraction?

There was a time before you lived

and now a time after.



How will this third April be borne?

I will carry the answer

like a foundling from the moon.









Catechism







Spring is coming,



I can feel it in the rain.



Is three years long enough



to abstract the grief



from the April of your going?







The phone call was simple,



“John is gone” said my daughter



and my question, “Gone where?”



was my startled response.



Even now it’s a question



no one can answer.







There was a time before you lived



and now a time after.



There’s nothing else to conclude



but that April is coming



like a man on the moon.

[Mark A Becker]

Hi Tim-very poignant piece. A few in-line comments, below:


Catechism  great title

Spring is coming,
I can feel it in the rain.
Is three years long enough
to abstract the grief
from the April of your going?

The phone call was simple,
“John is gone” said my daughter.
and my question, “Gone where?”  struck part of this line, so that your answer is more immediate
was my startled response.
Even now it’s a question
no one can answer.  Works very well for your specific meaning, and as a general observation that hints back to the title.

There was a time before you lived
and now a time after.
There’s nothing else to conclude
but that April is coming   "April is coming, again."  ???
like a man on the moon.  This where a refrain might work better: "I can feel it in the rain."

[71degrees]

Catechism

Spring is coming,
I can feel it in the rain.
Is three years long enough
to abstract the grief
from the April of your going?

The phone call was simple,
“John is gone” said my daughter
and my question, “Gone where?”
was my startled response.
Even now it’s a question
no one can answer.

There was a time before you lived
and now a time after.
There’s nothing else to conclude
but that April is coming
like a man on the moon.

---

This is the poem. For me.

Spring coming,
I can feel it
Is three years
long enough
to greive?

A simple call:

"John is gone
Gone where?"

Three years later,
an unanswered question

[brynmawr1]

Catechism

April is coming,
I can feel it in the rain.

Is three years long enough
to abstract the grief?

“John is gone” said my daughter
“Gone where?” was my startled response.

Even now it’s a question
no one can answer.

There was a time when you lived
and now a time after.

April will come
I can feel it in the rain.

Hey Tim,
Great piece.  I read it as couplets so that's how I arranged it and made some other word changes.  Admittedly, S3 doesn't work as well.  Glean what you can from my suggestions.
Take care,
steve

[TranquillityBase]

Thanks Mark, Bryn & 71,

I've done an edit.  It may seem like I ignored your prescriptions, but they all helped me to see what I wanted to make essential in the poem.

TqB

[Mark A Becker]

Well Tim,
The edit leaves out elements that were essential for this reader, like the ones below:

I can feel it in the rain  This line strongly implies that a difficult time is approaching. The physical reaction spoke to me as 'I can feel it in my bones'. 

The phone call was simple,
“John is gone” said my daughter.
“Gone where?” my startled response.  This interplay was absolutely crucial, for me at least.

Catechism

Is three years long enough?
Time enough to abstract the grief
from the April of your going  An awkward phrase- why not just 'the April you left' ??  enough/grief/left are good slant rhymes, too.

What is the sum of the abstraction?  This abstract question about abstraction loses it for me. What is this supposed to mean to the reader?
There was a time before you lived
and now a time after.

How will this third April be borne?  Hmm ??? The simpler 'April is coming' would read easier, I think.
I will carry the answer
like a foundling from the moon.  Why you insist on keeping the moon in this one is beyond me.  'foundling' could be used to better effect, but just seems out of place in this poem.  This ending is far weaker than the previous version.

Sometimes revising leads us in the wrong direction, and this revision loses the poignancy that I felt in the original.

I'd like to have a better reaction, because I usually like your style.  In this revision you seem to be putting more distance between yourself and your subject, and I was hoping that you'd revise to get closer.

Anywho, that's my take,
Mark

[TranquillityBase]

 In this revision you seem to be putting more distance between yourself and your subject, and I was hoping that you'd revise to get closer.

Thank you for your passionate critique.  The fact is, I am trying to put distance between myself and the subject.  And I wanted to carry the catchism idea to its logical extreme.  Anyway, I have revised it with some of your comments in mind.  The revision doesn't restore it to the poignancy that you liked about the original.  But it perhaps restores some of the context that I cut out previously (and excises that moon  )

I'm trying to express the choice I have of somehow encapsulating my grief into a bearable form, or succumb to it for what's left of my life.

[71degrees]

Anytime a person works on a poem, it's time well spent.

PDQ response: Everyone already knows that April = spring so to me those two uses are wasted. Now that being said, everyone also knows April is the cruelest of months. So...maybe that makes up for its one usage. But not twice. Actually, thrice if one counts Spring as another usage.

I like both revisions b/c of my first sentence. After all, it's your poem and you must take ownership at some point.

[busker]

I like all three versions. I think the first and the latest are two separate poems. They can stand on their own.
The ‘question no one can answer’ in the original is beautiful. It’ñ design belong in the current version, being less conversational thsn the original, but it IS a loss.
S2 L3: why not end the line at ‘April.?


There’s something about the raw impact of the original

[Mark A Becker]

Hello again Tim-

I still think the original version only required some minor changes, to make it even more potent.

I certainly understand wanting to get on with life beyond grief, but matters of the heart do bubble to the surface.  I hope that writing about it helps open up an avenue toward healing for you. 

I try to smile as I hold loved ones in my memory, yet still struggle with specific dates and times.  I find those feelings immensely difficult to articulate.  I believe your original piece resonated with me in that regard.

Mark