Posts: 297
Threads: 47
Joined: May 2022
So long we’ve known
each other feeling
the pull of our attraction
orbits separated
never destined
to meet we dance
only
sun-lit face I see
haunting shadows behind
a silvered countenance our touch
the end of us
such an end
it would be
My use of white space is terrible but thought I would give it a try.
Posts: 884
Threads: 175
Joined: Jan 2021
(01-25-2023, 09:16 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: So long we’ve known
each other feeling*
the pull of our attraction*
orbits separated
never destined*
to meet we dance
all is* all is what? all is sun-lit face? your sun-lit face?
sun-lit face I see if it's the partner's sun-lit face, I think you could lose "I see"
haunted by
shadows behind
a silvered countenance our touch
the end of us*
such an end
it would be*
My use of white space is terrible but thought I would give it a try.
I'm no expert on the use of white space, but I tinkered with yours anyway 
(*=a line I altered in some way)
I don't think it's terrible. I've only done a few so far, and I think it's kind of liberating to have the option. I decided to try it after reading some e.e. cummings.
Posts: 297
Threads: 47
Joined: May 2022
(01-25-2023, 11:17 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote: (01-25-2023, 09:16 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: So long we’ve known
each other feeling*
the pull of our attraction*
orbits separated
never destined*
to meet we dance
all is* all is what? all is sun-lit face? your sun-lit face?
sun-lit face I see if it's the partner's sun-lit face, I think you could lose "I see"
haunted by
shadows behind
a silvered countenance our touch
the end of us*
such an end
it would be*
My use of white space is terrible but thought I would give it a try.
I'm no expert on the use of white space, but I tinkered with yours anyway (*=a line I altered in some way)
I don't think it's terrible. I've only done a few so far, and I think it's kind of liberating to have the option. I decided to try it after reading some e.e. cummings.
Hey,
I decided to try it after reading some TqB! The 'all is' 'I see' linkage would work better if I was more clever with what follows. I like your line changes though. I will work on the middle section. Thanks.
Steve
