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Do you remember?
In the fit of our youth,
we traversed the the Appalachian Trail.
Backs weighted by packs loaded with promise
sure-footed we strode over rock and root
putting winding green miles under our boots
hiking above and beyond.
The clearing, five miles in, offered
the eagle’s eye view of the valley below.
The expanse, larger than a single memory,
invited our breath to play.
Our two-person tent pitched,
orange against the white of peeling bark.
Nights we drank deep the firelight,
its flickering shadow cast against
a canopy of trembling leaves, we slept
drunk on the hum of stars, our heart beat.
Beyond the rough rock of the precipice
the fertile dark of an opaque future
stretched into the valley's depths, where
an unexpected night harvest of phosphor flowers
bloomed for us far below.
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Threads: 214
Joined: Aug 2016
(12-17-2022, 09:14 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: July 4th
Do you remember
In the fit of our youth, how
we hiked the Appalachian Trail?
Backs weighted with loaded packs
sure-footed we strode over rock and root
putting winding miles under our boots
traversing above and beyond care.
Do you remember
The clearing, five miles in, offering
the eagle’s view of the valley below.
Our two-person tent pitched
among the peeling bark of white
birch. Those nights we drank deep
the firelight, its flickering shadow cast
against a canopy of trembling leaves, we slept
drunk on the hum of stars, our heart beat.
Do you remember
We sat on the rough rock of the precipice.
At our feet, the fertile dark of an unknown future
stretching into the valley's depths, where
an unexpected night harvest of phosphor flowers
bloomed for us far below.
It seems like July 4th represents both the day it happened and your independence. I love the imagery and how it relates to a feeling of 'striking out on your own' and it could even relate to the settler lifestyle of having a new country to explore. I like every line, they all work together, I could suggest not repeating the 'do you remember' line, maybe even changing the title to July 3rd to make it close to independence day but also more just any day. Thank you for sharing
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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(12-17-2022, 09:14 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: July 4th
Do you remember
In the fit of our youth, how
we traversed the Appalachian Trail
backs weighted with ...............................What were you carrying? The smaller details add authenticity points.
sure-footed we strode over rock and root
putting winding miles under our boots Putting and winding next to each other haults flow.
hiking above and beyond care. 'above and beyond' cliche
Do you remember
The clearing, five miles in, offered
an eagle’s view of the valley below. eagle's eye view?
Our two-person tent pitched
among the peeling bark of white Birch are known to be white.
birch. Those nights we drank deep
the in firelight, its flickering shadows casting flickering shadows -- trembling leaves -- pealing bark
across a canopy of trembling leaves, we slept
drunk on the hum of stars, our heart beat. Rhyming does not fit the theme of this poem, and adds very little.
Do you remember
We sat on the rough rock of the precipice.
At our feet, the fertile dark of an unknown future
stretching into the valley's depths, where
an unexpected night harvest of phosphor flowers
bloomed for us far below.
"Do you remember" should be the title, and july fourth, the journal entry. A memorabilia.
......................................................
This poem travels from point A to point B too quickly.
The parts where you linger on the sensations of the environment are the most emersing, because it feels like you're reliving them.
Maybe linger on something uninmportant, everything seems more meaningful in hindsight.
..........
I see a lot of potential. Needs improvement.
SC
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Threads: 175
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(12-17-2022, 09:14 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: July 4th
Do you remember
In the fit of our youth, how
we hiked the Appalachian Trail?
Backs weighted with loaded packs
sure-footed we strode over rock and root
putting winding miles under our boots
traversing above and beyond care. this reads really well, sweet on the eye and brain
Do you remember
The clearing, five miles in, offering
the eagle’s view of the valley below. sentence fragment if you care, kinda bothered me.
Our two-person tent pitched
among the peeling bark of white
birch. Those nights we drank deep not sure about "drank" I associate a fire with all my senses but not taste. myabe "inhsle"
the firelight, its flickering shadow cast
against a canopy of trembling leaves, we slept
drunk on the hum of stars, our heart beat. but of course without drank, you can't have drunk  or can you?
Do you remember
We sat on the rough rock of the precipice.
At our feet, the fertile dark of an unknown future I'd go for something more interesting than unknown: concealed, untold, anonymous?
stretching into the valley's depths, where
an unexpected night harvest of phosphor flowers are there really flowers that glow in the dark?
bloomed for us far below. Lovely climax
I'd drop all the "Do you remember"s. Maybe it could be the title. Turn first line into a statement.
The poem (*minus the do you remembers) then stands alone and complete. I was going to express one other reaction, though now that I've reread it several times, it seems less important. Anyway, I feel like I'd like more detail about the people involved here. They seem curiously faceless. That was a first reading reaction.
Tim
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(12-17-2022, 10:29 AM)Semicircle Wrote: (12-17-2022, 09:14 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: July 4th
Do you remember
In the fit of our youth, how
we traversed the Appalachian Trail
backs weighted with ...............................What were you carrying? The smaller details add authenticity points.
sure-footed we strode over rock and root
putting winding miles under our boots Putting and winding next to each other haults flow.
hiking above and beyond care. 'above and beyond' cliche
Do you remember
The clearing, five miles in, offered
an eagle’s view of the valley below. eagle's eye view?
Our two-person tent pitched
among the peeling bark of white Birch are known to be white.
birch. Those nights we drank deep
the in firelight, its flickering shadows casting flickering shadows -- trembling leaves -- pealing bark
across a canopy of trembling leaves, we slept
drunk on the hum of stars, our heart beat. Rhyming does not fit the theme of this poem, and adds very little.
Do you remember
We sat on the rough rock of the precipice.
At our feet, the fertile dark of an unknown future
stretching into the valley's depths, where
an unexpected night harvest of phosphor flowers
bloomed for us far below.
"Do you remember" should be the title, and july fourth, the journal entry. A memorabilia.
......................................................
This poem travels from point A to point B too quickly.
The parts where you linger on the sensations of the environment are the most emersing, because it feels like you're reliving them.
Maybe linger on something uninmportant, everything seems more meaningful in hindsight.
..........
I see a lot of potential. Needs improvement.
SC Hi SC,
Thanks for the comments. I agree I could add some detail in parts. No one liked the repeating lines so that will go. Incidentally, I wasn't trying to rhyme anything and wasn't even conscious of it. Does that change your opinion?
Take care,
Steve
(12-17-2022, 10:47 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote: (12-17-2022, 09:14 AM)brynmawr1 Wrote: July 4th
Do you remember
In the fit of our youth, how
we hiked the Appalachian Trail?
Backs weighted with loaded packs
sure-footed we strode over rock and root
putting winding miles under our boots
traversing above and beyond care. this reads really well, sweet on the eye and brain
Do you remember
The clearing, five miles in, offering
the eagle’s view of the valley below. sentence fragment if you care, kinda bothered me.
Our two-person tent pitched
among the peeling bark of white
birch. Those nights we drank deep not sure about "drank" I associate a fire with all my senses but not taste. myabe "inhsle"
the firelight, its flickering shadow cast
against a canopy of trembling leaves, we slept
drunk on the hum of stars, our heart beat. but of course without drank, you can't have drunk or can you?
Do you remember
We sat on the rough rock of the precipice.
At our feet, the fertile dark of an unknown future I'd go for something more interesting than unknown: concealed, untold, anonymous?
stretching into the valley's depths, where
an unexpected night harvest of phosphor flowers are there really flowers that glow in the dark?
bloomed for us far below. Lovely climax
I'd drop all the "Do you remember"s. Maybe it could be the title. Turn first line into a statement.
The poem (*minus the do you remembers) then stands alone and complete. I was going to express one other reaction, though now that I've reread it several times, it seems less important. Anyway, I feel like I'd like more detail about the people involved here. They seem curiously faceless. That was a first reading reaction.
Tim Hi Tim,
Thanks for your comments. I will work on making some of the edits you suggest. The phosphor flowers was my fancy way of indicating fireworks that we were able to see from high on a ridge looking down into the valley. Very weird perspective. Do I need to be less obscure there?
Take care,
steve
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(12-21-2022, 10:13 PM)brynmawr1 Wrote: The phosphor flowers was my fancy way of indicating fireworks that we were able to see from high on a ridge looking down into the valley. Very weird perspective. Do I need to be less obscure there?
Take care,
steve
I took it literally, so perhaps something to indicate it's fireworks, not flowers. "phosphor flowers" though is pretty neat, I'd hate to see that go. Flows so smoothly into your last line, both sound/image wise. Maybe just leave it alone.
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