Unconscious

[Semicircle]

My eyes are stinging,
sleep will take me soon.

It's my choice to rest, I could stay awake
if I wanted to. Yet I'm tired, and there is
no use in fighting anymore

as I am dragged unconscious
across the forest floor.

[burrealist]

My only critique here:

"It's my choice to rest, I could stay awake
if I wanted to. Yet, I'm tired, and there is <---------I don't think the common after Yet is necessary
no use in fighting anymore"

so instead:

"if I wanted to. Yet I'm tired, and there is"

The commas were creating a rhythm, and it feels awkward to have that rhythm changed by a "non-sequitur" comma.

[FroglovesToad]

My eyes are stinging,
sleep will take me soon.

It's my choice to rest, I could stay awake
if I wanted to. Yet I'm tired, and there is
no use in fighting anymore

as I am dragged unconscious
across the forest floor.

I think you could experiment a bit with the cadence of this to make your point really hit the reader. Is there a way to give the reader context of the fifth line, while still keeping the overall mystery within the poem? I liked the last stanza, its very evocative!

[Magpie]

Perhaps if you made more sentences with punctuation it would give the effect of someone fighting something. Something like.

My eyes are stinging.
Sleep will take me soon.

It's my choice to rest.
I could stay awake .
If I wanted to.
Yet.
I'm tired,

and there is no use in fighting anymore

as I am dragged unconscious
across the forest floor.

Hey this is good, I'm glad it got resuscitated.

I like how it leads one way before a sinister twist. With that in mind, another crit would be to change the title because as well as being used in the poem it also has a slight sinister element to it which needs to be kept hidden right until the end. Something more lullabyesque would be appropriately disarming.

Hope you come back one day to read this.

[carahmellow]

My eyes are stinging,
sleep will take me soon.

It's my choice to rest, I could stay awake
if I wanted to. Yet I'm tired, and there is
no use in fighting anymore

as I am dragged unconscious
across the forest floor.

I love a poem with a good impactful twist at the end... but I do think you could do more with this. It feels like a good idea, that isnt quite finished, but it could pack a bigger punch if you could expand on it a little bit.

[Gerryswo]

Maybe it’s me, but I had trouble grasping the essense of your poem. In the opening your narrator is tired, he has stinging eyes (from what).

In the middle he has given up, “there is no use fighting (fighting what) anymore.

At the end he is being dragged unconscious across the forest floor. I guess I don’t understand how your narrator would know he’s being dragged across the forest floor if he’s unconscious.

Maybe there’s more to this poem than meets the eye, but I thought it could use some expansion and clarification.

[spencedude75]

Ok. I very much like the form and language. My main critique, here, is the cadence. I feel it is a bit too staccato which is incongruent with the dreamy *vibe* you're going for. Maybe try and string together some of the short sentences with a contraction or with the form (enjambment, maybe?).  Also, I get that the ending is supposed to be ambiguous, but I wish that there was a little more to chew on there, besides the dark implication. 
Hope this is helpful.

[Quicksilver]

My eyes are stinging,
sleep will take me soon.

It's my choice to rest, I could stay awake
if I wanted to. Yet I'm tired, and there is
no use in fighting anymore

as I am dragged unconscious
across the forest floor.

"sleep will take me soon" seems to be slightly off cadence to my inner voice. If that first part is meant to be more rhythmic/metered, it may be worth adding or dropping a syllable or two. You could also utilize a similar style to the rest of the piece by using the creative line breaks to disrupt the rhythm. Only the first stanza has two full phrases split out by lines.

I love the line breaks in the second stanza. It combines really nicely with the punctuation to make the piece feel more dynamic and provide an overall sense of meter. 

That last line image is interesting, though a bit abrupt. I feel as though I'm missing something as far as what this is meant to be depicting. It certainly succeeds in catching a reader off guard. My personal immediate assumption is the perspective of someone/some creature that has been attacked?? Unclear, but it is very intriguing in the urgency and lack of clarity. 

In regards to my initial comments, I can also see this initial stanza versus the others as a decreasing clarity of thought on the part of the subject, but I'm not sure. 

Overall a very interesting piece! You provide a lot of impact and it draws me in with curiosity as to what is going on!

Cheers,

Quicksilver