Island Song

[Mark A Becker]

Island Song

Watch out
how your shadow
dances
when a full moon
rises.

Calypso
trips
so many fools,
strips off all
disguises.

[brynmawr1]

Island Song

Watch out
how your shadow
dances
when a full moon
rises.

Calypso
trips
so many fools,
strips off all
disguises.

Hi Mark,
Very nice.  I don't have much to say except that I stumble a bit with L1 into L2 of the first stanza.  I want to get rid of "out" but that removes the warning component of L1 so that leaves me wanting to change "how" to another word such as "lest".
Hope you have a good weekend,
steve

[TranquillityBase]

Island Song

Watch out
how your shadow
dances
when a full moon
rises.

Calypso
trips                        reveals?
so many fools,
strips off all
disguises.

Hi Mark,

While "trip" fits the narrative nicely, it grates on this reader.  I guess my suggestion anticipates the final line, but "trip" seems too literal, and only shows ineptness, not revelation.  A very elemental poem; I can visualize it nicely.

Tim

[Mark A Becker]

I thought I oughta roll one out for the harvest moon. 

Thanks Steve,

If I move L.2 back to L.1 it might read smoother. I had it that way previously, but wanted to make it feel a bit more disjointed. Short ones like these make it very difficult to break the lines for intended effect. I obviously over-think these things.  I may go back to my original formatting, below:

Watch out how your shadow
dances
when a full moon
rises.

Calypso trips so many
fools,
strips off all
disguises.


Thanks Tim,
Couldn't resist the 'Calypso / trips so' rhyme. While I must admit that 'reveals' works well with the 'L' sounds, that 2 syllable word would screw up the rthymn.  I don't have a great solution.

Anywho,
Thanks for the comments guys

[brynmawr1]

I thought I oughta roll one out for the harvest moon. 

Thanks Steve,

If I move L.2 back to L.1 it might read smoother. I had it that way previously, but wanted to make it feel a bit more disjointed. Short ones like these make it very difficult to break the lines for intended effect. I obviously over-think these things.  I may go back to my original formatting, below:

Watch out how your shadow
dances
when a full moon
rises.

Calypso trips so many
fools,
strips off all
disguises.


Thanks Tim,
Couldn't resist the 'Calypso / trips so' rhyme. While I must admit that 'reveals' works well with the 'L' sounds, that 2 syllable word would screw up the rthymn.  I don't have a great solution.

Anywho,
Thanks for the comments guys

There is a lot of nice sonics going on which is great and I think I like the original line breaks read better, although the syntax is still a bit off for me.  As far as S2, how about

Calypso strips so many
fools
of all their disguises.

Loses the 'trips' 'strips' rhyme but reads a little smoother to me.  It's hard cause there is so much give and take in these things.
Gotta go. My cat is hanging on the screen to come in.

later,
steve

[Mark A Becker]

I should point out that this follows my tendency to write syllabic poems: each stanza is 14 syllables.

It's just something I challenge myself with now and again.

That, and I was going for the various "O" and "L" sounds.

Also wanted to leave it up to interpretation whether Calypso refers to the goddess, or the style of music.