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Will any of us make it out alive?
The leader stands tall up on the stage.
The people sway, one within a hive.
The sold out show is worth the hour drive.
The pyrotechnic portal keeps engaged.
Will any of us make it out alive?
Hypnotic frequency music revives.
A mass of bodies locking us encaged.
The people sway, one within a hive.
In the distance, several fans take stage dives.
The leader fills the air, 'its time to rage!'
Will any of us make it out alive?
Difficult to breathe, struggling to survive.
Kids disappear, trampled, ten years of age.
The people sway one within a hive.
Will any of us make it out alive?
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08-13-2022, 10:23 AM
(This post was last modified: 08-13-2022, 10:24 AM by CRNDLSM.)
Alternative (switched the repeaters)
The people sway, one within a hive.
The leader stands tall up on the stage.
Will any of us make it out alive?
The sold out show is worth the hour drive.
The pyrotechnic portal keeps engaged.
The people sway, one within a hive.
Hypnotic frequency music revives
a mass of bodies locking us encaged.
Will any of us make it out alive?
In the distance, several fans take stage dives.
The leader fills the air, 'its time to rage!'
The people sway, one within a hive.
Difficult to breathe, struggling to survive.
Kids disappear, trampled, ten years of age.
Will any of us make it out alive?
The people sway one within a hive.
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
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(08-12-2022, 07:12 AM)CRNDLSM Wrote: Will any of us make it out alive?
The leader stands tall up on the stage.
The people sway, one within a hive. I itch to replace the comma here with "as"
The sold out show is worth the hour drive. fewer "the" in this stanza? Consider "this," "that," "all?"
The pyrotechnic portal keeps engaged.
Will any of us make it out alive?
Hypnotic frequency music revives. maybe just a dash or colon before "music" to get the meter back on track after a well placed break
A mass of bodies locking us encaged.
The people sway, one within a hive.
In the distance, several fans take stage dives.
The leader fills the air, 'its time to rage!'
Will any of us make it out alive?
Difficult to breathe, struggling to survive. Important line - would like more impact than "difficult" - lungs locked empty sort of thing
Kids disappear, trampled, ten years of age. Another line where a bit of rearranging and rewording would make it hit harder.
The people sway one within a hive.
Will any of us make it out alive?
In moderate critique, and looking at the first version, one general suggestion that applies to both. I believe the poem would be improved by sticking closer to the iambic pentameter of the first line (with variations as desired for effect, just closer). To give one example, and please pardon the rewrite,
Will any of us make it out alive?
The leader stands erect up on the stage.
It changes the meaning and impact, but you may agree or not that it flows better.
Other suggestions above. Mentioning loudspeaker buzz (to go with hive image) might work. This is effective as is, and it's a rough image... but could be delivered to greater effect a bit more smoothly.
Non-practicing atheist
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Joined: Aug 2016
No no I appreciate it, I love moshpit instead of stage, I feel like as I get older my vocabulary is getting weaker, I've never been great with meter but like in 'dont start' it would benefit to really work on it. Thank you so much for both crits
Peanut butter honey banana sandwiches
