Daffodil

[brynmawr1]

Dapper gents
in yellow hats
dance for the sun
while they can.

[Semicircle]

Dapper gents
in yellow hats
inherit the sun
while they can  “until it drops ”

dancing for the sun is a tad generic.
Just a few small changes,
make the sun shine lighter
for the dapper gents

[busker]

Dapper gents
in yellow hats
dance for the sun
while they can.

better without the last two lines

[Mark A Becker]

Dapper gents
in yellow hats
dance for the sun
while they can.

This might work best as a monostitch: a title, then a single line.
It would help the short ‘a’ and ‘e’ sounds stand out.
I think ‘daffodils’, plural, as described by the plurals ‘gents’ and ‘hats’.

Daffodils
Dapper gents in yellow hats

---

Dapper gents
in yellow hats
dance for the sun
while they can.

This might work best as a monostitch: a title, then a single line.
It would help the short ‘a’ and ‘e’ sounds stand out.
I think ‘daffodils’, plural, as described by the plurals ‘gents’ and ‘hats’.

Daffodils
Dapper gents in yellow hats

---

With another look I see, that within (10) syllables you would have an incredible (9) vowel 'matches' !:
The short 'a' (3), 'e' (2), and 'i' (2) sounds, as well as (2) more with a long 'o'.
Interesting, as well, that the /-  trochee accents fall right in line: dapper gents in yellow hats
Even the title works out, daffodils Since readers pause at the line break, an unstressed syllable is implied.

[brynmawr1]

Dapper gents
in yellow hats
dance for the sun
while they can.

This might work best as a monostitch: a title, then a single line.
It would help the short ‘a’ and ‘e’ sounds stand out.
I think ‘daffodils’, plural, as described by the plurals ‘gents’ and ‘hats’.

Daffodils
Dapper gents in yellow hats

---

Dapper gents
in yellow hats
dance for the sun
while they can.

This might work best as a monostitch: a title, then a single line.
It would help the short ‘a’ and ‘e’ sounds stand out.
I think ‘daffodils’, plural, as described by the plurals ‘gents’ and ‘hats’.

Daffodils
Dapper gents in yellow hats

---

With another look I see, that within (10) syllables you would have an incredible (9) vowel 'matches' !:
The short 'a' (3), 'e' (2), and 'i' (2) sounds, as well as (2) more with a long 'o'.                                     Look at me the accidental poet!
Interesting, as well, that the /-  trochee accents fall right in line: dapper gents in yellow hats
Even the title works out, daffodils Since readers pause at the line break, an unstressed syllable is implied.

 

I agree with the plural daffodils.  I'll give it one more try to make a longer poem more interesting.  Thanks for all of your attention.

Daffodils,
Dapper gents in yellow hats
prefer verdant pants,
flirt with bees to
shun a jealous sun.

[Mark A Becker]

Daffodils,
Dapper gents in yellow hats
prefer verdant pants,
flirt with bees to
shun a jealous sun.

Well bryn-
I really think yer overdoing it here. I believe that the best images are the simplest.
Just sayin,
Mark

[brynmawr1]

Daffodils,
Dapper gents in yellow hats
prefer verdant pants,
flirt with bees to
shun a jealous sun.

Well bryn-
I really think yer overdoing it here.  I believe that the best images are the simplest.
Just sayin,
Mark

Hi Mark,

I agree that the first line is nice.  What I am struggling with is how do I turn that into something more.  Poems are filled with good stand alone lines but still fit into a larger context.  I like the metaphorical image of the daffodils flirting with bees and a jealous sun.  How do I get there?  I appreciate your thoughts.
Thanks,
steve

[TranquillityBase]

Daffodils,
Dapper gents in yellow hats
prefer verdant pants,
flirt with bees to
shun a jealous sun.

[/quote]

Just a note to say I really like the whimsicality of this version.  I wouldn't change it.