Floorboards. A big revision

[Lawrence]

I do not trust my bedroom floor
At night, to wear a helpful form,
Its bowing boards, its croaking planks,
The nails that bind its rigid ranks
Must dissipate as night evolves
And shadows loiter shopping malls
And when the strands of streetlights sign
The sidewalk with moronic lines
Of hazy milk; I see the face
Of wood beneath my bed replace
Its boards with black, its nails with void
And any structure be destroyed,
The ceiling, zooming out of view
The windows shut themselves, and soon
I am alone.

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PREVIOUS
I cannot trust my bedroom floor
At night, to keep its daytime form,
Its bowing boards, its croaking planks,
The nails that bind its rigid ranks
Must dissipate when lights are out
And hazy whispers haunt the house
And when the strands of streetlights sign
The sidewalks, with their blazing lines


The floorboards drop like bits of sand
The clock withdraws its face and hands
The clouds outside eclipse the moon
The windows shut themselves, and soon
I am alone. But not the kind
Of isolation you could find
Residing in an empty home
Containing silent telephones

[billy]

will get to it shortly, (trying to bake and post isn't easy

[Lawrence]

Weed, or cookies?
....Or both?

[billy]

Weed, or cookies?
....Or both?

neither; scotch pies for dinner tonight. hehe.
right here goes with the feedback.

first off i like the form change.

I do not trust my bedroom floor
At night, to wear a helpful form,
Its bowing boards, its croaking planks,
The nails that bind its rigid ranks
Must dissipate as night evolves
And shadows loiter shopping malls i like this line
And when the strands of streetlights sign not keen on the 2nd 'and'
The sidewalk with moronic lines struggling to understand moronic
Of hazy milk; I see the face
Of wood beneath my bed replace
Its boards with black, its nails with void
And any structure be destroyed,
The ceiling, zooming out of view
The windows shut themselves, and soon
I am alone.

the last 6 lines are much much stronger. i like the whole thing apart from the two nits. could another word be used instead of moronic?
it has acquired a poe feel to it it carries a lot more weight and for me depth. the closing, again for me is excellent.
see my other crits to make up the paragraphs i should be writing

all in all the poem has really been transformed and i think this edit is brave and successful

thanks for the read lawrence.

[Lawrence]

Phew, now...on to stanza two!

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Thanks billy!

[billy]

thing is lawrence take care not to lose too much of what you want. after all you're the poet and as such it's you who gives us the reader direction. i must say i think it's going well so far.