The Flying Kite Syndrome

[Wavey]

A person will have in their possession the most amazing opportunity only to let it go and end up chasing after it until it is no longer visible. Sadly, the law of gravity doesn't apply to dreams. Thats why we see so many stars in the sky; they're a representation of dreams that were abandoned.

[Semicircle]

A person will have in their possession

the most amazing opportunity   amazing kite

only to let it go and end up    Letting it go

chasing after it until it is no longer visible.     watching it float away

Sadly, the laws of gravity don't apply to dream kites.

That's why there are so many stars in the sky

they're a representation of dreams that were abandoned.    This last line is explaining the poem. Show not tell.

Revised version

Letting go
of the golden kite,
watching it float away-

So many dreams suspended
in the night sky.

Impossible to reach,
but fun to look at.




The title does not have much relation to the story,
because the metaphor between kites forming stars
is not well explained.

Again, I'm sure you have been told
that line breaks help poems flow better,
so this is how your poem would look
with line breaks.

I'm all about shortenning poems
because words in a poem must all be necessary,
otherwize, it's just filler.

Thanks for the read,
Sc.

[CRNDLSM]

A person will have in their possession the most amazing opportunity only to let it go and end up chasing after it until it is no longer visible. Sadly, the law of gravity doesn't apply to dreams. Thats why we see so many stars in the sky; they're a representation of dreams that were abandoned.

Poets go on about metaphor.  'theyre a representation' is too telling, 'sadly' is expressed already through words like 'abandoned', I want to replace it with 'happily or furiously' to see how the tone changes, maybe you need sadly to be clear it's sad.  Thanks for sharing

[Magpie]

Not so much of a critique, but more of a reiteration that line breaks would help your work to be more like a poem and less like prose. Your previous poem was the same, good content but reads like prose.

cheers
mark

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Wavey-

A person will have in their possession the most amazing opportunity only to let it go and end up chasing after it until it is no longer visible. Sadly, the law of gravity doesn't apply to dreams. Thats why we see so many stars in the sky; they're a representation of dreams that were abandoned.

You need line breaks.

I do love the phrase that the law of gravity doesn't apply to dreams." 

Try imagining what "the most amazing opportunity" looks like and describe it, ie show me, don't tell me.

The metaphor of dreams/stars is OK, but for the fact that stars most certainly obey the law of gravity.  That bit of inaccuracy wrecks the metaphor; especially when you state as fact Thats why we see so many stars in the sky.  Also, it's That's, not Thats.  Misspellings do throw off the reading.

I also think that you may benefit by writing this in first person. Keep it personal, instead of presuming what "a person will" or "why we see".  What you and I will do or see may be similar, but I want to know what you will, and what you see. 

I certainly appreciate the sentiment of this poem, and hope you can guide it further along.

Mark

[rowens]

There could be good reason you are using the prose. The subject matter and your style of thought could be important to keep in short prose like this.
Prosaic doesn't mean flat and boring. Not technically. The prosaic manner of speaking on the page, with poetic sentiment, is a worthy move.

[busker]

A person will have in their possession the most amazing opportunity only to let it go and end up chasing after it until it is no longer visible. Sadly, the law of gravity doesn't apply to dreams. Thats why we see so many stars in the sky; they're a representation of dreams that were abandoned.

First line - sane advice
Second line - confusing, but still retaining the potential of being enigmatic. Hinges upon the third line, really.
Third line - Aaaand...I'm confused as to what it's supposed to be. Stars are not dreams, so why are you trying to offer an absurd literal interpretation of a common metaphor? The only saving grace is that it's consistent with the second line.

Furthermore,  this is not what a prose poem is. It's just prose, though good prose.
This is a prose poem: https://ronnowpoetry.com/contents/bly/DeadSeal.html

[rowens]

Explode Russell Edson into Edward Lear.