The First to Take his Leave

[Lawrence]

I’m going to be the first
To truly take his leave.

I will not flirt with the idea-
Clouds hang over earth

Only to pour down, but I-
I’m going to be the first.

I’ll never clutch a walking-staff
Down some barely-beaten path

Tend a fire in the woods-
Leaving people does no good.

It fails, but I will be the first
To truly take his leave.

No, not with nooses, needles,
Magic carpets, sex, or rockets

But by the buoyancy of loneliness.
Like a string-cut, transparent balloon

Pitied, set free, floating slow-
Along its empty, vertical road.

I will not pop, but go
And go...

I will be the first
To truly take his leave.

[billy]

im doing this crit based on the fact i think it's about shuffling off this mortal coil;

I’m going to be the first
To truly take his leave.

I will not flirt with the idea-
Clouds hang over earth

Only to pour down, but I-
I’m going to be the first. for some reason and i'm not sure why this analogy doesn't work well for me

I’ll never clutch a walking-staff
Down some barely-beaten path good image

Tend a fire in the woods-
Leaving people does no good. this is the 2nd rhyming couplet what about the others?

It fails, but I will be the first
To truly take his leave. i know these are couplest but is this line needed as it weakens the poem for me.

No, not with nooses, needles, should these thing be plural (how many times can one hang themselves)
Magic carpets, sex, or rockets

But by the buoyancy of loneliness.
Like a string-cut, transparent balloon

Pitied, set free, floating slow-
Along its empty, vertical road.

I will not pop, but go
And go... for me the poem ends here.

I will be the first
To truly take his leave.

i enjoyed the last three couplets the most because they conveyed
more of the intent of just going. all in all i feel the couplet form isn't working as well as it could be Lawrence, maybe it would work better as a two verse poem.

the other thing is that in two of the couplets you use almost perfect rhyme, 3 if you count the penultimate one. which sort of makes it obvious to me that the others don't have any. more so when the two rhyming couplets are next to each other.

while it seems to have lots going for it standing back it feels a little weak. i see one good inage with the staff, other than that it's tell and no show.
for me it needs a larger than small edit
all jmo to take or disregard as you wish.
as always, thanks for the read.

[addy]

I’m going to be the first
To truly take his leave.

I will not flirt with the idea-
Clouds hang over earth (I might be completely mistaken here, but if I'm interpreting your analogy correctly them imo "hang" is not the perfect descriptor to drive home the intent... I know you've already used "floating" somewhere else, but maybe another word that implies more of a distance or disconnect from the ground. Just a suggestion)

Only to pour down, but I-
I’m going to be the first. (personally wouldn't have finished the couplet with this line since at this point it's already slightly detached from the point of what you're saying... which is unlike clouds, you will neither hesitate nor fall back)

I’ll never clutch a walking-staff (I like how "clutching" the walking staff reinforces your idea)
Down some barely-beaten path

Tend a fire in the woods- (Not sure if this line helps in particular, but still nice)
Leaving people does no good.

It fails (Not sure what this refers to?), but I will be the first
To truly take his leave.

No, not with nooses, needles,
Magic carpets, sex, or rockets

But by the buoyancy (can this be just "buoyance"?) of loneliness. (I admit I truly love this line, but I can see how it's a bit telly)
Like a string-cut, transparent balloon

Pitied (Not sure if this descriptor fits, or is necessary), set free, floating slow-
Along its empty, vertical road. ( I really like how this parallel's the barely-beaten path)

I will not pop, but go
And go...

I will be the first
To truly take his leave.

Needs just a few tweaks to make its beauty truly shine, but I see what your getting at here and I love it. Sounds positively zen.