God exists

[busker]

God exists

in Greek-lettered waves
of the brain, but maybe more,
and the light exists,
where threading to the light 
are thoughts, like flies,
lovers of the flame,
to the name. Whatever the path,
however long the days,
sang David, suffering in praise
of his tormentor,
for breath must die
in most inexplicable ways,
the wicked prosper,
and we know not the whys,
wherefores, but a gladness
that makes light our days,
so in the night
there is no darkness.

[rowens]

God exists

in Greek-lettered waves
of the brain, but maybe more,
and the light exists,


keep the 'and', lose the 'the'. Maybe lose the 'the' before 'brain'.


where threading to the light 

keep, then, the well-placed 'the'.

are thoughts, like flies,
lovers of the flame,

you could put 'this' flame, but the repetition of 'the' here has resonance.


to the name. What ever the path,


What ever as two words does give a resonant pause


however long the days,
sang David, suffering in praise,
of his tormentor,


lose that line, of his tormentor
Bringing David in is a stark move here. The poem bends on that    arches


for breath must die

lose the 'for', leaves a bluntness

in the most inexplicable ways,
the wicked prosper,


This concept is heavy-handed so late in the script


and we know not the whys,
wherefores, but a gladness
that makes light our days,
so that there is no darkness.
in the night.

---

in Greek-lettered waves
of brain, but maybe more,
and light exists,
where threading to the light
are thoughts, like flies,
lovers of the flame.
Whatever the path,
however long the days,
sang David, suffering in praise.
Breath must die
in explicable ways.
We know not the whys,
but a gladness
makes our days,
so that there is no darkness.

---

The light, high vowel sound of aye and day, but not the dark, deep vowel sound of dawn.

[busker]

@rowens - just clarifying, after “sang David”, the rest is all about what David sang, so it needs to be all in the same sentence.
Not that it can’t be written differently, or that it reads well, but that’s what I had intended.

---

I mean, David frequently whinges about how his enemies are having a party….

[rowens]

I think David can hand periods. It goes it goes. Out the mouth of the King.
If I can misprision David, don't wonder that I'll rearrange verses the way I want.

I rarely comment on poems of people who seem to know what they're doing. I let them do their thing, and accept they know best. I don't like to interfere with the flow of an individual's daemon speaking.
But I can.

---

handle periods. I am typing too fast for my hands.

[busker]

I’ve got a sticky touchscreen. From wet hands, after pouring the tea.not what you’re thinking.

Thanks for the feedback, some good points in there.
I’ll give it some more thought.

[rowens]

I often feel I'm doing graffiti or vandalism to poems when I critique them on this site. I go ahead and do it the way I do it. I know people can see the way I'd write it and write it their way regardless.

[busker]

I think there is something to be said about writing poetry in the early morning or late night, and then reading it after you're caffeinated. It usually stinks.
It's 9:30 AM here, and I am reading what I wrote earlier today, very differently.

[dukealien]

Nicely expressed, from the viewpoint of creatures who need material hardware to run the Meme software (In the beginning was the Meme, and the Meme was...). The Meme of God is, contrariwise, of a Meme running before hardware (the earth without form and void). Platonic, but with only the fire, not yet the Ideals to cast shadows in a potential cave.

But from the viewpoint of creatures, yes, like that, the Light. Nice.