Disassembling Marconi

[Beowulf]

Disassembling Marconi

I hear Mariachi static on my radio
And the tubes they glow in the dark
----------------------------------------------Warren Zevon



At five I took to disassembling radios
to find the spot within,
that sparked metallic voice
into song – the component which played
the musical repertoire that made 
my sisters spring into dance
on a makeshift stage with rag curtains.

I would stare for hours into this 
breadbox Wurlitzer – to locate the source 
of mimicry – the cathode tubes glowing
in the dark – lighting the way
to the next act.



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[Knot]

.
Hi Beowulf,
a strong start, a good first verse but overall it feels a little slight. Does N ever find what they're looking for?
For me the problem is the first half of the second stanza, it seems like a repeat of the first verse and adds nothing. Why the shift from sparked to mimicry?
Also, you've radios (plural) and then this breadbox Wurlitzer (singular).


Just a thought


At five I took apart the radio
to find the spot within, that sparked
metallic voices into song –
that played the musical repertoire
which made my sisters spring to dance
on a rag-curtained stage. I stared
...



Best, Knot


.

[alonso ramoran]

Disassembling Marconi Assuming that "Marconi" is the brand of the radio, I think "Disassembling the Marconi" would sound better



I hear Mariachi static on my radio

And the tubes they glow in the dark

----------------------------------------------Warren Zevon  I enjoyed searching up the song, it made me imagine that it was what was playing before the N began working on the radio







At five I took to disassembling radios

to find the spot within, "within" could be omitted as well as the comma. also, is it a "spot" or a part?

that sparked metallic voice this sequence seems problematic. It suggests that the radio was already making a sort of metallic sound before being "sparked" into music, and, while I don't know anything about tinkering with radios, I don't think this is something radios do unless the frequency is being changed (static). But it seems like the N is tinkering with the radio, not simply changing the frequency

into song – the component which played

the musical repertoire that made this rhyme coming at the end of these 2 lines kinda distracts from the poem's flow, imo. Also, [b]since I do not think the sisters are dancing in this moment b/c the N is messing with the radio, I think it would make more sense to write "the musical repertoire that would make..." [/b]

my sisters spring into dance

on a makeshift stage with rag curtains.


To remedy my critique of the rhyme in S1L4 & 5, I reordered the stanza by adjusting the line breaks. Let me know what you think:

At five I took to disassembling radios

to find the spot within that sparked
metallic voice into song – the component
which played the musical repertoire
that made my sisters spring into dance
on a makeshift stage with rag curtains.





I would stare for hours into this 

breadbox Wurlitzer – to locate the source is the radio a marconi or a wurlitzer? i have almost no knowledge about radios so this question might not even be valid xD im also unsure what breadbox is supposed to mean in this context and I think you could omit the em dash. I like "source of mimicry"

of mimicry – the cathode tubes glowing

in the dark – lighting the way i feel this line is a nice way to show the passage of time, since the first stanza tells us that the N began tinkering around 5 and I think there would still be some light outside around that time. That being said, two things: (1) I think you could cut "glowing in the dark" since "lighting the way" implies some level of darkness and (2) I do not think the N needs to tell the R that they would work on this radio for hours in S2L1. Omitting these parts could give you some room to reorder the stanza and experiment with new images/ideas and/or expand on existing ones
to the next act. Is the next act in reference to the N's sisters? I was thinking that the sisters were not dancing though, since the N was working on the radio







----------------------------------------------------------

Thank you for sharing. The piece is short which I think should make it easier to sharpen. Would love to see where you take it.

Best
Alex

[Beowulf]

Hi Knot,

Thanks for reading this “entree” of a poem. I wrote this a while back and I always had the intent of building on the concept and rhetoric. Glad that you enjoyed the first strophe. Re: plural to singular when referring to radios - well as a boy I’m afraid that I destroyed several radios and the radio in question in the poem was the current radio that I had my eye on. Thanks again for stopping by to consider this.

Best,
Beowulf


Hi Alexorande,

I appreciate your in-line notes especially in light of the fact that the poem is rather sparse.

Re: Warren Zevon’s song “Carmelita” - I hope that you had a chance to listen to the Linda Ronstadt version.

Re: “Metallic voice”  I meant to infer that it was artificially/mechanically produced and sounded “tinny”.

Re: The rhyme is unintentional and  happens simply by the enjambment and not necessarily by design. Still your point is well taken. 

Re: Marconi vs. Wurlitzer - Marconi radios were considered antiques even in my childhood. But my dad had a Marconi Tube Radio Model 623, he had bought in 1958  in antique walnut. It was a beauty  and I wanted to get my hands on it. Wurlitzers were juke boxes that ( back in the day) played vinyl records usually 45’s. You put in your coin and made a selection. 

Thanks once again for your in-depth analysis. You’ve given me much to consider. Thanks for your encouragement.

Cheers,
Beowulf

[Sapphire26855]

At five I took to disassembling radios This feels like a bit of an overview. Slow this down and show the narrator interacting with these radios in real time
to find the spot within, I don't think a comma is needed
that sparked metallic voice I don't think "sparked" does justice to what you are trying to say. Consider a verb that is perhaps more abstract or figurative 
into song – the component which played (nit-pick) since you used "that" previously, I think "that" would be more appropriate than "which". Could you use a more visual/specific image than "component"?
the musical repertoire that made what type of music?
my sisters spring into dance I don't think the words "spring into dance" do justice to what you are trying to say. Could you be more visual/specific here? Specificity is a big thing in poetry, and using unique combinations of words can make a reader really connect with what's on the page
on a makeshift stage with rag curtains. I love played/made/stage!

I would stare for hours into this 
breadbox Wurlitzer – to locate the source 
of mimicry – the cathode tubes glowing
in the dark – lighting the way
to the next act. I love this stanza! It is very effective because it has a clear string of events and a good sense of theme.

[RiverNotch]

The choice of end words in the first stanza seems intentional, if debatable -- "within" is superfluous, but it's a gesture to the metaphysical, while the rhyme between "played" and "made" seems meant to spring the stanza to the end. I dunno. At first I liked it, but as I tried to find the words to describe why I liked it, referring especially to previous critiques, I found myself better understanding the other side of this little debate, the side that would rewrite the second and third lines into "to find the spot that sparked / metallic voice to song", or else finds the rhyme a little meh due to the rather overwrought phrase "musical repertoire". Me, I might rewrite the first three or four lines, find a more spirited substitute for "musical repertoire", but keep the rhyme. The last two lines, however, are plain magic.

I agree with one of the earlier critiques -- "for hours" doesn't seem to say anything, and "Wurlitzer", being a distinct item from a "Marconi", might confuse -- but also "stare for hours" implies stillness, where the entire first stanza later implies and at its earliest outright states ("disassembling") action, motion. The em dashes also don't do anything for me: maybe the breaking up they accomplish is supposed to imply disassembly, but then why wouldn't the rest of the poem be so disassembled, too? But I do like

the cathode ray tubes glowing
in the dark, lighting [our] way
to the next act

(much better with regular punctuation -- also, as per the brackets, might be better to change up one of those "the"s) even if it's pretty much taken from Zevon.

Eh, being entirely original is both incredibly difficult and somewhat overrated, especially with the inconceivable amount of literature we have now. Now, Warren Zevon, he seems nice -- I haven't had the pleasure -- but all I've heard of Linda Ronstadt is her business with apartheid-era South Africa, so maybe not her version xD. Lovely work, and aside from my compliments and my gripe with the second stanza's punctuation, I found myself stretching to critique it, perhaps because everything else seems built for those lines, those images, I complimented. If ever you revise, it might be a good idea to focus on those things: your sisters and their games, the radio as hanukkiah.

[Beowulf]

Hi Sapphire,

Thanks for stopping by to consider this. I'm glad that you found some redeeming qualities inherent to the poem. Your in-line notes are much appreciated. 

Cheers


Hi River Notch,

Thanks for the close scrutiny. Poems are ofttimes allergic to being put under the bright piercing strobe light of the critic. This pome being no exception to that rule. The main reason why I posted it here is to get exactly the kind of feedback that I'm getting. Furthermore I wanted to see if it would be accepted as is or if the reader wanted more detail. Thanks again for your input. Much appreciated.


Regards,

Beowulf

[Truerenigma]

Disassembling Marconi

I hear Mariachi static on my radio
And the tubes they glow in the dark
----------------------------------------------Warren Zevon



At five I took to disassembling radios
to find the spot within,
that sparked metallic voice
This is clumsy syntax here, with the comma after within and the line break after voice That reads like a definite article. I would recommend using which, or simply losing the comma.
into song – the component which played
Love the use of component here. Lends a certain authenticity to the image.
the musical repertoire that made 
my sisters spring into dance
on a makeshift stage with rag curtains.

I would stare for hours into this 
breadbox Wurlitzer – to locate the source 
of mimicry – the cathode tubes glowing
in the dark – lighting the way
to the next act.



----------------------------------------------------------

All the worlds a stage my friend. And old and common trope. However by no means off limits as yet. Springing into dance is a bit straight off the shelf and unconvincing though, especially right after the only rhyming pair of lines in the poem. 

Also I think the poem could use something, perhaps some details about the sisters, or something else specific or significant which separates these acts of from all the others. Or which may at least give us more cause for considering them.

Overall I enjoy the initial image. And I'm curious about it. The craftsman or hobbyist in his environment. The workshop. The tools which may have been used to disassemble the radios.

[Beowulf]

Hi Truerenigma,

Thanks for stopping by to consider my post. The stage is not metaphorical but I get the gist of what you are saying. Re: The poem needing some details - I am in full concurrence. Still  I am glad that you found something redeeming about this little poetic ditty. Much appreciated. Thanks.

Cheers,

Beowulf