Via Crucis

[Beowulf]

   Revision :

    
  Via Crucis

“You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.”

                                         
                                                               Mary Oliver
 

It is a journey whose path
I have retraced too many times.
Identical steps and faux pas committed
in repetition like a mantra.

What if one of the markers 
That measured a life no longer existed?
Perhaps that basement apartment was no longer 
the first home for an immigrant family of six.
Their ethnicity supplanted via the cultural divide
between the two solitudes.

Suppose it did not include the first 
elementary school I ever attended 
or the first memories of the depanneur
I walked by every morning where 
sports collectibles and comic books were 
purchased along with jelly-bellies and jawbreakers.

Maybe it did not encompass
the subway station where I last spoke
to my first love and how 
in turning away her affections
I refuted my own – crushing her
aspirations to forge a life
that she will never know.

Imagine a now empty and deserted St. Rita’s church
where I received my first communion
adopting the Christian name John – not 
fashioned after the Baptist but the Beatle
whom I so much wanted to, but
could never emulate, was not built.

Let us suppose the final leg of the trek comes
To a close at the outdoor hockey rink 
in St. Paul de la Croix park, the first place
where I started to skate on thin ice.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

  Via Crucis

“You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.”

                                         
                                                     Mary Oliver
     

It is a journey whose path he has retraced 
Too many times to enumerate.
Identical steps and faux pas committed
In repetition like a mantra.

What if one of the markers 
That measured a life no longer existed?
What if the basement apartment was no longer 
The first home for an immigrant family
Of six whose thread-bare existence
Was supplanted via the cultural divide
Between the two solitudes?

What if it did not include the first elementary school
Ever attended or the first memories
Of the depanneur where sports collectibles
And comic books were purchased
Along with jelly-bellies and jawbreakers?

What if it did not encompass
The subway station where he last spoke
To his first love and how 
In turning away her affections
He refuted his own – crushing her
Aspirations to forge a life
That he will never know?

What if a now empty and deserted St. Rita’s church
Where he received his first communion
Adopting the Christian name John – not fashioned
After the Baptist but after the Beatle
Whom he so much wanted to, but
Could never emulate, was not built?

What if the final leg of the trek comes
To a close at the outdoor hockey rink 
in St. Paul de la Croix park, the first place
where he started to skate on thin ice?

[Knot]

.
Hi Beowulf.
For me there are too many questions being asked without any attempt to answer them (and in a couple of verses the effort of ensuring you end with a ? in noticeable). Overall this doesn't seem to be about the anonymous 'he' so much as the poet. Where are the details that bring 'him' to life? Why doesn't the 'first love' have a name? Which comic books did he prefer? Why was he a Beatles fan? Does he have brothers and/or sisters? Both parents? And, when does he take this 'journey'?


Via Crucis
I'm not religious, so there may be things I'm missing, but (acc. to wiki) Via Crucis 'refers to a series of images ...' and I'm just not seeing much here (visually, a list of rhetorical questions simply isn't that evocative, for me).

It is a journey whose path he has retraced
Too many times to enumerate. ......................... do yo need 'enumerate'? It's clearly implied, and it makes it seem like counting is the issue, which, obviously, it isn't.
Identical steps and faux pas committed
In repetition like a mantra. ............................... 'retraced' gives you 'repetition'
I don't think you need this verse, it may relate to the title, but it doesn't seem to connect with what follows. (Though see 'Just a thought', below).

What if one of the markers
That measured a life no longer existed?
This is general, but your examples are all particular. So
What if one of the markers
by which he measured his life no longer existed?
Also, given the title is 'markers' the right term?

What if the basement apartment was no longer
The first home for an immigrant family
What is that basement apartment was no longer
their first home? That immigrant family
Of six whose thread-bare existence .................. 'threadbare' isn't really pulling its weight.
Was supplanted via the cultural divide
Between the two solitudes? ............................... by what was it supplanted?

What if it did not include the first elementary school
Ever attended or the first memories
Of the depanneur where sports collectibles
And comic books were purchased
Along with jelly-bellies and jawbreakers? ....... at this point I'm asking 'so what if it didn't' How does eating or not eating a jawbreaker impact on his life. After the 'cultural divide' and 'two solitudes' of the previous verse, these examples are relatively trivial (or so they seem). 'He' still hasn't come to life by this point.

What if it did not encompass
The subway station where he last spoke
To his first love and how
In turning away her affections
He refuted his own – crushing her .............. the ? surely comes after 'his own', doesn't it? And 'crushing her' is very clunky.
Aspirations to forge a life
That he will never know?
The poems lexicon seems a bit muddled, from 'two solitudes' to 'jawbreakers' (OK, no problem with that) but then 'aspirations to forge a life' is flat and colourless.

What if a now empty and deserted St. Rita’s church ........ like St. Rita (having looked her up), patron saint of the impossible, great, but .... what impact does she have here?
Where he received his first communion
Adopting the Christian name John – not fashioned ......... Is that how it works, one 'adopts' a christian name? And that name is 'fashioned'?
After the Baptist but after the Beatle
Whom he so much wanted to, but
Could never emulate, was not built? ............................... that 'was not built' is a terrible construction. Which is the important element here, that the church was not built or that he can't emulate (again, poor word choice) Lennon? Arguably it's the latter and the church is irrelevant.

What if the final leg of the trek comes
To a close at the outdoor hockey rink
in St. Paul de la Croix park, the first place
where he started to skate on thin ice? .......................... now I really want an answer. What if it does, or stops a block earlier, or in a different town, or ... what is the sum up to which all these parts are supposed to add? I'm drawing a blank.


Just a thought

He retraces his journey like a mantra.
Every Sunday it is the same,
he makes his way past the house
that basement apartment
where ...

Past the elementary school
where ...

and the depanneur
where ...

Past the subway station
where ...

and St. Rita's Church
patron saint of the impossible
where ...

to the outdoor hockey rink
in St. Paul de la Croix park,
the first place where he started
to skate on thin ice.



Best, Knot



.

[Beowulf]

Hi Knot,

Thank you very much for the close scrutiny that you have accorded this poem. You have given me much to consider. Thanks again.


Cheers,

Beowulf

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Beo-
Welcome to the Pen.

The captilalization at the beginning of each line interferes a bit with the rhythm. 


It is a journey whose path he has retraced
Too many times to enumerate.  seems like "enumerate" is just a slightly bigger word than "count"
Identical steps and faux pas committed
In repetition like a mantra.

What if one of the markers
That measured a life no longer existed?  A life? Or his life?
What if the basement apartment was no longer
The first home for an immigrant family
Of six whose thread-bare existence I'm beginning to get confused by the lack of detail
Was supplanted via the cultural divide  describe the culture divide. Simply stating it doesn't show me anything
Between the two solitudes?  What solitudes? 

What if it did not include the first elementary school The "what if" is now really getting in the way
Ever attended or the first memories arbitrary line break to "ever"
Of the depanneur where sports collectibles
And comic books were purchased
Along with jelly-bellies and jawbreakers? these deatils are good, but need to be incorporated better

What if it did not encompass
The subway station where he last spoke
To his first love and how
In turning away her affections
He refuted his own – crushing her good line break to "aspirations"
Aspirations to forge a life  the capital "A" messes up the line break
That he will never know? The "what if " set-up seems to meant for this stanza, but by now it's grown tedious

What if a now empty and deserted St. Rita’s church
Where he received his first communion
Adopting the Christian name John – not fashioned
After the Baptist but after the Beatle
Whom he so much wanted to, but
Could never emulate, was not built?now you're trapped into continuing the "what ifs"

What if the final leg of the trek comes 
To a close at the outdoor hockey rink
in St. Paul de la Croix park, the first place
where he started to skate on thin ice?  this line needs to be reinforced by those that precede it

I would strongly recommend losing the "what if" format, and rethink how you want to tell this story. "What if" is a question that we all ask of ourselves, so it is not unique.  Far more detail is needed as this timeline progresses, so that the uniqueness of the experiences can be shown to the reader.   

A lot of revision will be required, but, hey, you got this far,
Mark

[Beowulf]

Thanks Mark,

Your in-line notes are incisive. Well, it looks like the Litany motif is toast. Thanks for the time you took to consider this. Much appreciated.


Cheers,
Beowulf

[Knot]

.
Hi Beowulf,
just curious.  Why have you capitalised Litany (in your reply, above)?  That's not what you've written, a litany (of ...) on the other hand, perhaps.  As I've said, not my area, but I'm not seeing the entreaties or petitioning associated with Litanies, nor any sign of supplication.  (Not to mention the leader/congregation dynamic).

Best, Knot


.

[Beowulf]

Hi Knot,

The capitalization of “litany” is just a typo. Sorry that it was confusing. As for the supplication, entreating and /or petitioning aspect of the form your point is well taken. Thanks again for returning to this and considering it even further. Much appreciated!

Regards,
Beowulf

[CRNDLSM]

   I'm getting heavy Jesus being crucified vibes

  Via Crucis

“You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.”

Why a Mary Oliver quote?  As a heading I want the rest of the poem to back up the statement 

                                         
                                                     Mary Oliver
     

It is a journey whose path he has retraced 'it is' is a defining moment that will stay with me the rest of the poem
Too many times to enumerate.
Identical steps and faux pas committed
In repetition like a mantra. Rosary? Stations of the cross?  Am I off base?

What if one of the markers ONE, which one, does it matter?
That measured a life no longer existed? Like what if he skipped a step?  That would mean all the steps, what if there was no Jesus at all
What if the basement apartment was no longer 
The first home for an immigrant family is this the one marker? Is this the first marker that represented current personal thoughts and meditations?
Of six whose thread-bare existence
Was supplanted via the cultural divide via in the title
Between the two solitudes? I looked up Mary Oliver and solitude was something she looked for in walks, the two solitudes would be the immigrant in the basement and the person walking the stations?

What if it did not include the first elementary school 'it' again, the journey? The marker? A different marker? Or just another thing to wonder
Ever attended or the first memories
Of the depanneur where sports collectibles
And comic books were purchased
Along with jelly-bellies and jawbreakers? The list at the end, why depanneur, french? Canada? Convenient store?  A little too hodge podge for me

What if it did not encompass 'it' again, what I like here is a suggestion that the via crucis (way of the cross?) Encompasses all
The subway station where he last spoke
To his first love and how 
In turning away her affections
He refuted his own – crushing her
Aspirations to forge a life
That he will never know? Tthis is much more personal than the convenient store or immigrant family unless the narrator is both, 

What if a now empty and deserted St. Rita’s church
Where he received his first communion
Adopting the Christian name John – not fashioned
After the Baptist but after the Beatle
Whom he so much wanted to, but
Could never emulate, was not built? What if there wasn't those steps, and I was never a Christian, Mary Oliver suggests 'i do not have to be good' because what is good?  Could I be good without Jesus?  Could I be bad? This last 'was not built' tripped me up.  Clearer punctuation might help with that.  I also find it funny you need to mention the church is now deserted 

What if the final leg of the trek comes this line suggests you narrator repeatedly make the trek, and are disheartened by the endless suffering, 
To a close at the outdoor hockey rink 
in St. Paul de la Croix park, the first place
where he started to skate on thin ice? I really like this last line, st. Paul who blew up Christianity turned into a skate park, but can I enjoy the skatepark without Jesus.  Jesus on thin ice, like walking on water, yet being on thin ice he's about to die.  You narrator also being on thin ice.

Maybe I'm wrong but I do like some of the questions that i asked after reading.  I think it could be a little more obvious without dangering the feeling.  Too much puzzle can be hard to relate.  Suggesting one marker makes me want other markers or more specific reasons these spots brought with them these thoughts.  Or a more fluid jump from history to internal emotions.  I'm not sure your why through this but I think it could be longer.  Hope I helped, good luck, thanks for sharing

[Beowulf]

Hi CRNDLSM,

Thank you for spending your time with this and critiquing it. You make many valid points and have given me much food for thought. My reading of your critique reminded me of the poetic corollary that Mary Kinsie forwards in her book: "A Poet's Guide to Poetry"- (p.13)

"The reader follows, via the poem as a ghostly map, the many paths that were not taken by the author, but whose possibility leaves a shadow like crosshatching on the paths that remain. To read this way keeps a poem always provisional and still in the making, which is how the process of reading absorbs the act of writing to their mutual improvement in terms of skill and understanding."

She also recounts that Howard Nemerov once said to her: "You never asks a poet what he means, you tell him."

Thanks once again for your close read and good suggestions. Much appreciated.

Cheers,
Beowulf