Greyabbey Trail

[Wjames]

Before autumn punished the woods
with dew and leaves and coughing
children running late to school
wearing backpacks black as ravens
cawing tantrums in the wind,

I napped below a robin singing August,
golden in the luster of trees swaying gently
full of apples, waking with fresh clouds
to watch the sun and moon share the sky
at dusk.

[Knot]

.
Very nice, Wj.
two very minor nits, 'dew' (not something one would associate with 'punished', itself a surprisingly strong word, too strong perhaps?) and 'wearing' (seems unnecessary). Do you need 'swaying gently'?

The ravens image is terrific.

One less minor nit, you slept from the children 'running late' til 'dusk' - seems rather long for a 'nap'.

(Could you add 'at dusk' to the title?)


Before autumn punished the woods
with ___ and leaves and coughing
children running late to school
-- backpacks black as ravens, cawing
tantrums in the wind -- I napped

below a robin singing August, golden
in the luster of trees swaying gently
full of apples, waking with fresh clouds
to watch the sun and moon share the sky
at dusk.


Best, Knot

.

[Wjames]

.
Very nice, Wj.
two very minor nits, 'dew' (not something one would associate with 'punished', itself a surprisingly strong word, too strong perhaps?) and 'wearing' (seems unnecessary). Do you need 'swaying gently'?

The ravens image is terrific.

One less minor nit, you slept from the children 'running late' til 'dusk' - seems rather long for a 'nap'.

(Could you add 'at dusk' to the title?)


Before autumn punished the woods
with ___ and leaves and coughing
children running late to school
-- backpacks black as ravens, cawing
tantrums in the wind -- I napped

below a robin singing August, golden
in the luster of trees swaying gently
full of apples, waking with fresh clouds
to watch the sun and moon share the sky
at dusk.


Best, Knot

.

Thanks, Knot. I sort of agree with the dew, wearing, and swaying gently comments - I will think on changing dew and cutting the other two. I like punished because it plays with "children", "running late to school" & "tantrums" in the rest of that section (not that it necessarily means anything, I just like the play of the words together) - I also like that it's a strong word myself.

The timeline thing may be a problem, but to me, the nap happened well before, in late summer - this isn't really sequential. If other people also read it as being like one day I may try to change it.

Thanks for your thoughts, I will probably make a few of the suggested changes.

[Knot]

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Hi Wj,

just to withdraw my 'objections' to the napping (I think my problem is having 'I napped' in a separate verse to the 'before autumn', the gap interrupts the thought, or it did mine).

And I've been wondering about scolded instead of punished ?

Best, Knot

.

[busker]

Before autumn punished the woods ...before AUTUMN punished the WOODS.... I don't think 'punished' works in this line. It's a syllable too long.
with dew and leaves and coughing ... love this one
children running late to school ... one of the things I don't like about this first strophe is the regularity of the rhymes. As it stands, it would read better without the 'running'
wearing backpacks black as ravens
cawing tantrums in the wind,  ... I understand the raven simile-metaphor being extended here, but you've already mentioned coughing once. I don't see the need for repetition.

I napped below a robin singing August,  ... don't like 'napped' (too prosaic) and 'singing August' (it's a cliched expression to 'sing' anything)
golden in the luster of trees swaying gently ... lovely
full of apples, waking with fresh clouds ... the best line in the poem. beautiful. original
to watch the sun and moon share the sky ... and this one
at dusk.

I am not the master of scansion, but the lines, while beautiful, were jerky to my ears.
the second strophe is the heart of the poem
is the first one needed?
could be a great short poem with the second strophe alone