Poem

[heslopian]

passing the club on my way to the shops,
as evening grew up into night,
I heard a swell of pop music,
pouring past white mangy blinds

and glimpsed arcade machines,
some scattered faces, more empty tables,
like the end of a wedding disco.
a sandwich board outside advertised

generic young hunks in crumpled photos,
beneath the scrawled words "ladies night."
the cuboid structure, blank and silent
like a box of nails, reminded me of

holiday camps my Gran took me to as a kid.
I considered this thought as I strolled aimlessly.

[addy]

Really liked this. There's something about the incompleteness of it, the oddly hanging reveal of the vivid yet not-so-full picture that gives it extra punch. The very physical, matter-of-fact descriptions give plain revelation while deliberately making the immaterial metaphors just tantalizingly out of grasp. Very, very nice.

[heslopian]

Thanks for those lovely words Addy I wanted to write something that deliberately had no meaning, something entirely vacuous, like an MTV music awards ceremony

[billy]

passing the club on my way to the shops,
as evening grew up into night,
I heard a swell of club music, is the reiteration of club needed?
pouring past white mangy blinds

through which could be glimpsed arcade machines, could 'and' replace 'through which could be'?
some scattered faces, more empty tables,
like the end of a wedding disco.
a sandwich board outside advertised

generic young hunks in crumpled photos,
beneath the scrawled words "ladies night."
the cuboid structure, blank and silent
like a box of nails, reminded me of

the holiday camps my Gran took me to as a kid. is 'the' needed?
I considered this thought as I strolled aimlessly.

i think this is a winner jack. it reminds me of the film "the full monty"
i think it's builds up really well in to a solid piece of imagery. for me it also has that small town feel to it. like somewhere i know. nicely done Jack.
for me some very minor edits would make it sparkle.
thanks for the read as always.

[Lawrence]

You've got a knack for whimsical verse, and you can tell a nice story without too much effort.
The ONE thing I found distracting, my sole issue are the adjectives:
White
Generic.

I just think that these could be replaced with some verbs or nouns, as they don't seem essential (JMO)

The rest is great. Storytelling really is your forte.

[heslopian]

passing the club on my way to the shops,
as evening grew up into night,
I heard a swell of club music, is the reiteration of club needed?
pouring past white mangy blinds

through which could be glimpsed arcade machines, could 'and' replace 'through which could be'?
some scattered faces, more empty tables,
like the end of a wedding disco.
a sandwich board outside advertised

generic young hunks in crumpled photos,
beneath the scrawled words "ladies night."
the cuboid structure, blank and silent
like a box of nails, reminded me of

the holiday camps my Gran took me to as a kid. is 'the' needed?
I considered this thought as I strolled aimlessly.

i think this is a winner jack. it reminds me of the film "the full monty"
i think it's builds up really well in to a solid piece of imagery. for me it also has that small town feel to it. like somewhere i know. nicely done Jack.
for me some very minor edits would make it sparkle.
thanks for the read as always.

Thank you for your great feedback, Billy I keep trying to pare down my lines, but the baroque pretensions just keep poking through. I'll use all of your suggestions.

---

You've got a knack for whimsical verse, and you can tell a nice story without too much effort.
The ONE thing I found distracting, my sole issue are the adjectives:
White
Generic.

I just think that these could be replaced with some verbs or nouns, as they don't seem essential (JMO)

The rest is great. Storytelling really is your forte.

Thank you for your kind words and feedback Lawrence I don't have the patience to be a real storyteller, but I really appreciate that compliment.