Looking at some plastic people
made for children, slick and bright;
there is but one format for them
in two sizes, kid and adult
bending only at the waist.
Individuals bear clothing
printed on their molded selves–
click-hard beards and hairdos make
each one a character apart–
shiny model work of art.
Heads and hands come in two colors,
pink and brown with black/white eyes:
both smile, attitudes unaltered
by their faces’ shade assignment
at sententious factories.
edit1;
Looking at some plastic people
made for children, slick and bright;
there is but one format for them
in two sizes, kid and adult
bending only at the waist.
Individuals bear clothing
printed on their molded selves–
click-hard beards and hairdos make
each one a character apart–
shiny model work of art.
Heads and hands come in two colors,
pink and brown with dotted eyes:
both smile, attitudes unaltered
by their faces’ shade assignment
at sententious factories.
original version;
Looking at some plastic people
made for children, slick and bright;
there is but one format for them
in two sizes, kid and adult
bending only at the waist.
Each is different, with clothing
painted on its plastic self.
Click-hard beards and hairdos make each
character a thing apart–
molded, shiny work of art.
Heads and hands come in two colors,
pink and brown with dotted eyes:
both smile, characters unaltered
by their faces’ shades assigned
at far, sententious factories.
I like this, but am not sure about 'far, sententious'
The toys could be made to mean indoctrinated people at a second level, but (plastic injection) moulding or some form of shaping might be a better fit for such a purpose than the adjectives used.
or even if the CCP were sententious, 'far' is a weak adjective, and I'm even then not sure whether a distant factory moralising to its dolls (as opposed to transforming them into moulded puppets, say) has that much of an impact.
But I like the rest of the pome.
Or maybe 'sententious' is still fit for purpose, but 'far' is weak
(07-28-2021, 06:23 AM)busker Wrote: I like this, but am not sure about 'far, sententious'
The toys could be made to mean indoctrinated people at a second level, but (plastic injection) moulding or some form of shaping might be a better fit for such a purpose than the adjectives used.
or even if the CCP were sententious, 'far' is a weak adjective, and I'm even then not sure whether a distant factory moralising to its dolls (as opposed to transforming them into moulded puppets, say) has that much of an impact.
But I like the rest of the pome.
Or maybe 'sententious' is still fit for purpose, but 'far' is weak
"[F]ar" is, indeed, weak. I need just one syllable there unless the line is changed around. Waiting for inspiration (or further critiques). I like "sententious" because
of its two-plus antagonistic meanings - careful observance of all rules and approved practices, or the same but to an obsessive degree driven by either true belief, or desire to get over on others by seeming more observant than they.
One of those words that just pops into your mind, then you look it up and darned if it doesn't fit. Or seem to.
Looking at some plastic people
made for children, slick and bright;
there is but one format for them
in two sizes, kid and adult
bending only at the waist. It feels clunky but I also think I see it clearly, I'm interested
Each is different, with clothing
painted on its plastic self. I wouldn't use 'plastic self'
Click-hard beards and hairdos make each I don't know 'click-hard' but I imagine plastic hair pieces that snap on
character a thing apart– plus the repeat of each
molded, shiny work of art.
Heads and hands come in two colors,
pink and brown with dotted eyes:
both smile, characters unaltered
by their faces’ shades assigned a simple switch would be to punctuate the end of this line
at far, sententious factories. And leave this line as a single description like, 'distant, sententious factories' if that doesn't take away from the intentions.
Looking at some plastic people
made for children, slick and bright;
there is but one format for them
in two sizes, kid and adult
bending only at the waist.
Individuals bear clothing
printed on their molded selves–
click-hard beards and hairdos make
each one a character apart–
shiny model work of art.
Heads and hands come in two colors,
pink and brown with dotted eyes:
both smile, attitudes unaltered
by their faces’ shade assignment
at sententious factories.
Thanks to both critics. I think this addresses most of the issues raised, though not exactly following the suggestions.
Looking at some plastic people
made for children, slick and bright;
there is but one format for them
in two sizes, kid and adult < i might prefer child here? something about kid is a little informal compared to the rest of the piece
bending only at the waist.
Individuals bear clothing
printed on their molded selves–
click-hard beards and hairdos make
each one a character apart–
shiny model work of art.
Heads and hands come in two colors,
pink and brown with dotted eyes:
both smile, attitudes unaltered
by their faces’ shade assignment
at sententious factories.
overall, i find this piece super satisfying to read. good work! there are a couple places where i think the super specific wording could be better for flow, but i really enjoyed reading it.
original version;
Looking at some plastic people
made for children, slick and bright;
there is but one format for them
in two sizes, kid and adult
bending only at the waist.
Each is different, with clothing
painted on its plastic self.
Click-hard beards and hairdos make each
character a thing apart–
molded, shiny work of art.
Heads and hands come in two colors,
pink and brown with dotted eyes:
both smile, characters unaltered
by their faces’ shades assigned
at far, sententious factories.
Looking at some plastic people
made for children, slick and bright;
there is but one format for them
in two sizes, kid and adult
bending only at the waist.
Individuals bear clothing
printed on their molded selves–
click-hard beards and hairdos make
each one a character apart–
shiny model work of art.
Heads and hands come in two colors,
pink and brown with black/white eyes:
both smile, attitudes unaltered
by their faces’ shade assignment
at sententious factories.
Many thanks to @Micah3801 for the excellent critique. I've mended the weak spot about the eyes
where another option was "contrast," also trying to get across that there are black eyes for pink faces and white eyes for brown faces. The change required losing the somewhat juvenile "dotted eyes" pun - no loss there.
Your other critiques are so good I'll indulge in explanation (under the shield of the spoiler) of why I didn't comply.
I couldn't use "child" instead of "kid" because I had "children" just above. Besides, it foreshadows the factory-huckestering "Hey, kids!" which will show up below in a different form. If I change "children" to something else ("babies" or "toddlers") to allow "child" I get the plural "s" tangling with the next word "slick," which I want to keep. As an aside, only "children" lacks this because of its Anglo-Saxon roots versus Latinate -s plurals. It would be wasted lower down (g).
"[F]ormats" is another puzzle. I could say "one form among them" or "one blueprint for them" but neither seems to work quite as well. "Formats for them" has the right clunkiness for Playmob(il - TM) people, at least to me.
Non-practicing atheist
