In the desert, dreaming gardens
#1
In the desert, dreaming gardens

I am one with my beloved.
My true friend. My heart’s candled
tower in the night.
Morning, a delusion, 
a fantasy, the fantastic stupidity
of addled minds
gone to seed.

But I bleed
in secret for my 
beloved. King
of the flowers, is he not?
Spring is in his hair and oh to love him
the world is small.
The sky is not quite wide enough 
to fill up his meady mouth.
And what is idle prattle is to me

the song of life.
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#2
Wow, really well done, I liked the imagery of the hearts candled tower in the night. Also the next part of the poem was good too.
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#3
Hey Busker. We're in Misc. so more a comment than crit...


(07-27-2021, 07:36 PM)busker Wrote:  In the desert, dreaming gardens

I am one with my beloved.
My true friend. My heart’s candled
tower in the night.
Morning, a delusion, 
a fantasy, fantastic stupidity
of addled minds
gone to seed. * I'm a huge fan of the end rhyme of one strophe followed by an end rhyme to start the next. Especially in an otherwise free verse structure. When done well it propels the read forward without being intrusive. I think you did it well here.

But I bleed *
in secret for my 
beloved. King
of the flowers, is he not?
Spring is in his hair and oh to love him
the world is small.
The sky is not quite wide enough 
to fill up his meaty mouth.
And what is idle prattle is to me

the song of life.
Reply




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