Sonnet XIIV(to my seraphic wife, on our nuptials)
#1
Sonnet XIIV



Should hemlock wine infuse my hoisting flute,
Whence gained the measurements of sound-sewn binds,
My breath pray wear that reeking poison suit,
Till mount'nous stress befall tall heaven's climb
Now swirling gales of imprecation sweep
the shedded leaf of troth asunder strown,
And benediction goblets fracture, keep
not in staid reservoir the fleeing foam
To bide again betwixt that star and soil-
We planted waltz abreast a wrinkled sea,
No curling lip of crest to cast unfurled
the lashing tides' despoiling flush and reel;
If loom of dream entangle labored lungs,
On thy name that breath shall spend, threadbare spun.
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#2
This poem makes no sense. I genuinely couldn't tell if it was just bad writing, or deliberate trolling.
I shall assume the former.

The only correction I can point out is that 'thou name' should be 'thy name' (that by itself should tell you that the poem is all over the place).
I can't offer any other constructive suggestion. If it's nonsense verse deliberately written as such, it doesn't produce the intended effect.
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#3
(07-19-2021, 12:41 AM)busker Wrote:  This poem makes no sense. I genuinely couldn't tell if it was just bad writing, or deliberate trolling.
I shall assume the former.

The only correction I can point out is that 'thou name' should be 'thy name' (that by itself should tell you that the poem is all over the place).
I can't offer any other constructive suggestion. If it's nonsense verse deliberately written as such, it doesn't produce the intended effect.

I knew my sonnet would be eviscerated.....ts thematic weavings are not too difficult to unravel, if one is patient. I understand your point, however, and it is a singular work, the most recondite I've ever penned. That being said, I really enjoy your work, busker. It is at once accessible and profound, which I envy.....thank you for the comments!
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#4
(07-19-2021, 12:21 AM)Brian Roberts Wrote:  Sonnet XIIV



Should hemlock wine infuse my hoisting flute,                      hoisted?
Whence gained the measurements of sound-sewn binds,
My breath pray wear that reeking poison suit,
Till mount'nous stress befall tall heaven's climb
Now swirling gales of imprecation sweep
the shedded leaf of troth asunder strown,
And benediction goblets fracture, keep
not in staid reservoir the fleeing foam
To bide again betwixt that star and soil-                       what star?  that is, where did it come from?
We planted waltz abreast a wrinkled sea,                     wrinkled seems a weak adjective for sea
No curling lip of crest to cast unfurled
the lashing tides' despoiling flush and reel;
If loom of dream entangle labored lungs,
On thou name that breath shall spend, threadbare spun.

Hi Brian,

The archaic style doesn't appeal to me and I'm mostly a stranger to the sonnet form, but I am a fan of self-expression in any form.  So I've tried to read this poem in the spirit in which it was written. 

Suggestions and complaints: 

l. 2  I can't really decipher.  It seems like there should be a period at the end of l. 3, if I'm following it accurately.  Similarly,  l.6  I don't understand.  Another period at the end of l. 9 instead of a dash. I most like the last 5 lines as I can follow them without too much effort.

My 2 cents. Or should I say pence  Smile?

TqB
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
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#5
(07-19-2021, 08:19 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  [quote="Brian Roberts" pid='253799' dateline='1626621690']
Sonnet XIIV



Should hemlock wine infuse my hoisting flute,                      hoisted?
Whence gained the measurements of sound-sewn binds,
My breath pray wear that reeking poison suit,
Till mount'nous stress befall tall heaven's climb
Now swirling gales of imprecation sweep
the shedded leaf of troth asunder strown,
And benediction goblets fracture, keep
not in staid reservoir the fleeing foam
To bide again betwixt that star and soil-                       what star?  that is, where did it come from?
We planted waltz abreast a wrinkled sea,                     wrinkled seems a weak adjective for sea
No curling lip of crest to cast unfurled
the lashing tides' despoiling flush and reel;
If loom of dream entangle labored lungs,
On thou name that breath shall spend, threadbare spun.

Hi Brian,

The archaic style doesn't appeal to me and I'm mostly a stranger to the sonnet form, but I am a fan of self-expression in any form.  So I've tried to read this poem in the spirit in which it was written. 

Suggestions and complaints: 

l. 2  I can't really decipher.  It seems like there should be a period at the end of l. 3, if I'm following it accurately.  Similarly,  l.6  I don't understand.  Another period at the end of l. 9 instead of a dash. I most like the last 5 lines as I can follow them without too much effort.

My 2 cents. Or should I say pence  Smile?

TqB
[.quote]
tqb,
Thank you for reading this.....it was my first attempt at a Shakespearian sonnet. I know if I were to read it, I would need 100 to decipher it. I would surmise that this one is your least favorite so far. it just is not as accessible as "The Phenomenologist's Sea" or "The Amourette Autopsy." Thanks for taking the time, as always! I deeply appreciate your humoring me!
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#6
(07-19-2021, 07:59 AM)Brian Roberts Wrote:  
(07-19-2021, 12:41 AM)busker Wrote:  This poem makes no sense. I genuinely couldn't tell if it was just bad writing, or deliberate trolling.
I shall assume the former.

The only correction I can point out is that 'thou name' should be 'thy name' (that by itself should tell you that the poem is all over the place).
I can't offer any other constructive suggestion. If it's nonsense verse deliberately written as such, it doesn't produce the intended effect.

I knew my sonnet would be eviscerated.....ts thematic weavings are not too difficult to unravel, if one is patient. I understand your point, however, and it is a singular work, the most recondite I've ever penned. That being said, I really enjoy your work, busker. It is at once accessible and profound, which I envy.....thank you for the comments!

Thanks,  Brian
Although if you're after reading good poetry on this site, I would recommend digging up the poems of Ray, Milo, Todd, Just Mercedes, etc. They're a class apart.
Apologies if I was rude. We've had some guys deliberately trolling on the site before under various guises, so a bit wary.

I'll come back with more constructive feedback later.
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#7
.
Hi Brian,
another naysayer, I'm afraid.

To take one couplet
Now swirling gales of imprecation sweep
the shedded leaf of troth asunder strown,

sweep ... assunder and strown, basically the same thing.
Then there's troth ? Who's or what? And why has is 'shed'?

Overall, the language feels like poor parody, and the punctuation baffles
(what's with the - at the end of L9?)
And, where's the volta?


Best, Knot

.
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