The Amourette Autopsy(edit 1)
#1
The Amourette Autopsy

In vesper’s curt caress there seems no bind
To daylight’s brim or morning’s dire decree-
Your vertigo embrace confounded vows,
Within a steel wheeled cauldron we stirred swamps,
We hyperventilated hurricanes.
Cajoled embraces, arrogated from
your groom and registry and welling eyes;
Celestial bliss, we buzzed God's prayer vault.

We even deemed the telescopic murk,
a trough where genuflections might could reach. 
You spun away to opium dens supine,
I could not trace Icarian designs.
You tiptoed the obituary scene
Without your leaving even a toe’s wake-
But in your swirl you must have slipped but once
in its ambitious, enterprising ink.

Oh butterfly why you abjured your wings,
Regressed to the cocoon womb’s staid address?
I wish I could interrogate your wraith
by dream, concussion, disembodiment.
Enraptured by your sallow soft trained tress-
drapes gaped to manifest seraphic tones
of fairness, though distraught by varying hues
that sapience esteems the bends of life


Copyright © Brian Roberts | Year Posted 2021
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#2
Hi Brian,

Title:  I was unsure how you are using "Amourette".  I had to look it up and it means both a brief affair and a woman involved in a brief affair.

Poem itself:

I think it would be easier on the reader if you used shorter lines.  Something like this:


In vesper’s curt caress 
there seems no bind 
To daylight’s brim 
or morning’s dire decree- 
Your vertigo embrace                did you mean "vertigoed embrace"?
confounded vows, 
Within a steel wheeled cauldron 
we stirred swamps 
We hyperventilated hurricanes 
Cajoled embraces, arrogated 
from your groom and registry 
and welling eyes;                      drew a blank on these lines, no idea what you mean
Celestial bliss, 
we buzzed God's prayer vault. 


We even deemed 
the telescopic murk 
a trough where genuflections 
might could reach; 
You spun away to opium dens, 
supine, I could not trace              who is supine? you or I?
Icarian designs. 
You tiptoed the obituary scene 
Without your leaving 
even a toe’s wake-                     again, not clear about your meaning here, repetition of toe seems off                   
But in your swirl 
you must have slipped but once 
in its ambitious, enterprising ink. 


Oh butterfly why did
you abjured your wings, 
Regressed to the cocoon             is cocoon modifying womb?
womb’s staid address? 
I wish I could interrogate 
your wraith  by dream, 
concussion, disembodiment. 
Enraptured by your sallow 
soft trained tress- 
drapes gaped                             drawn?
to manifest seraphic tones 
of fairness, though 
distraught by varying hues 
that sapience esteems 
the bends of life

Punctuation/capitalization seems a bit erratic.

So, these are the things I feel would make the poem more readable, or places where I couldn't follow your meaning.

All that said, there is a lot to like about this poem.  I like the denseness of the imagery.  It's challenging and I like to be challenged by a poem.  And it's a topic dear to this reader's heart.

Hope some of this is useful.
TqB
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
Reply
#3
[quote="TranquillityBase" pid='253696' dateline='1626163697']
Hi Brian,

Title:  I was unsure how you are using "Amourette".  I had to look it up and it means both a brief affair and a woman involved in a brief affair.

Poem itself:

I think it would be easier on the reader if you used shorter lines.  Something like this:


In vesper’s curt caress 
there seems no bind 
To daylight’s brim 
or morning’s dire decree- 
Your vertigo embrace                did you mean "vertigoed embrace"?
confounded vows, 
Within a steel wheeled cauldron 
we stirred swamps 
We hyperventilated hurricanes 
Cajoled embraces, arrogated 
from your groom and registry 
and welling eyes;                      drew a blank on these lines, no idea what you mean
Celestial bliss, 
we buzzed God's prayer vault. 


We even deemed 
the telescopic murk 
a trough where genuflections 
might could reach; 
You spun away to opium dens, 
supine, I could not trace              who is supine? you or I?
Icarian designs. 
You tiptoed the obituary scene 
Without your leaving 
even a toe’s wake-                     again, not clear about your meaning here, repetition of toe seems off                   
But in your swirl 
you must have slipped but once 
in its ambitious, enterprising ink. 


Oh butterfly why did
you abjured your wings, 
Regressed to the cocoon             is cocoon modifying womb?
womb’s staid address? 
I wish I could interrogate 
your wraith  by dream, 
concussion, disembodiment. 
Enraptured by your sallow 
soft trained tress- 
drapes gaped                             drawn?
to manifest seraphic tones 
of fairness, though 
distraught by varying hues 
that sapience esteems 
the bends of life

Punctuation/capitalization seems a bit erratic.

So, these are the things I feel would make the poem more readable, or places where I couldn't follow your meaning.

All that said, there is a lot to like about this poem.  I like the denseness of the imagery.  It's challenging and I like to be challenged by a poem.  And it's a topic dear to this reader's heart.

Hope some of this is useful.
TqB

[/quote
Thank you TranquillityBase! You gave me much to ponder......I look forward to reading more of your work! Again, I appreciate the critique and will make appropriate
edits.
Reply
#4
(07-13-2021, 11:13 PM)Brian Roberts Wrote:  [quote="TranquillityBase" pid='253696' dateline='1626163697']
Hi Brian,

Title:  I was unsure how you are using "Amourette".  I had to look it up and it means both a brief affair and a woman involved in a brief affair.

Poem itself:

I think it would be easier on the reader if you used shorter lines.  Something like this:


In vesper’s curt caress 
there seems no bind 
To daylight’s brim 
or morning’s dire decree- 
Your vertigo embrace                did you mean "vertigoed embrace"?
confounded vows, 
Within a steel wheeled cauldron 
we stirred swamps 
We hyperventilated hurricanes 
Cajoled embraces, arrogated 
from your groom and registry 
and welling eyes;                      drew a blank on these lines, no idea what you mean
Celestial bliss, 
we buzzed God's prayer vault. 


We even deemed 
the telescopic murk 
a trough where genuflections 
might could reach; 
You spun away to opium dens, 
supine, I could not trace              who is supine? you or I?
Icarian designs. 
You tiptoed the obituary scene 
Without your leaving 
even a toe’s wake-                     again, not clear about your meaning here, repetition of toe seems off                   
But in your swirl 
you must have slipped but once 
in its ambitious, enterprising ink. 


Oh butterfly why did
you abjured your wings, 
Regressed to the cocoon             is cocoon modifying womb?
womb’s staid address? 
I wish I could interrogate 
your wraith  by dream, 
concussion, disembodiment. 
Enraptured by your sallow 
soft trained tress- 
drapes gaped                             drawn?
to manifest seraphic tones 
of fairness, though 
distraught by varying hues 
that sapience esteems 
the bends of life

Punctuation/capitalization seems a bit erratic.

So, these are the things I feel would make the poem more readable, or places where I couldn't follow your meaning.

All that said, there is a lot to like about this poem.  I like the denseness of the imagery.  It's challenging and I like to be challenged by a poem.  And it's a topic dear to this reader's heart.

Hope some of this is useful.
TqB

[/quote
Thank you TranquillityBase! You gave me much to ponder......I look forward to reading more of your work! Again, I appreciate the critique and will make appropriate
edits.
To avoid redundancy, would "cocoon loom's staid address be more clear? It seems "cocoon" and "womb" are too homogeneous, and I removed the comma before "supine" for more clarity. Thanks Tqb!
Reply
#5
(07-14-2021, 01:49 AM)Brian Roberts Wrote:  To avoid redundancy, would "cocoon loom's staid address be more clear? It seems "cocoon" and "womb" are too homogeneous, and I removed the comma before "supine" for more clarity. Thanks Tqb!


Yes, makes the image more clear to me.  But the "butterfly why..." seems to imply you are asking a question, which is why I added "did"

maybe

Oh butterfly why did you shed your wings, 
Regress to the cocoon loom’s staid address? 


Now that I understand you are striving for iambic pentameter, I really have to reset.  As I mentioned, my grasp of metrical rules is...non-existent  Smile  For example, how strictly are you required to maintain the pattern.  I see a few lines where the pattern breaks down (I think), but perhaps the occaisonal lapse is permitted or even encouraged? 

Such as 


Regress to the cocoon loom’s staid address? (underlined where I hear a stress)
&
Celestial bliss, we buzzed God's prayer vault.

TqB
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
Reply
#6
(07-14-2021, 05:13 AM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  
(07-14-2021, 01:49 AM)Brian Roberts Wrote:  To avoid redundancy, would "cocoon loom's staid address be more clear? It seems "cocoon" and "womb" are too homogeneous, and I removed the comma before "supine" for more clarity. Thanks Tqb!


Yes, makes the image more clear to me.  But the "butterfly why..." seems to imply you are asking a question, which is why I added "did"

maybe

Oh butterfly why did you shed your wings, 
Regress to the cocoon loom’s staid address? 


Now that I understand you are striving for iambic pentameter, I really have to reset.  As I mentioned, my grasp of metrical rules is...non-existent  Smile  For example, how strictly are you required to maintain the pattern.  I see a few lines where the pattern breaks down (I think), but perhaps the occaisonal lapse is permitted or even encouraged? 

Such as 


Regress to the cocoon loom’s staid address? (underlined where I hear a stress)
&
Celestial bliss, we buzzed God's prayer vault.

TqB

The lines you addressed could be read as follows: Re-GRESS to THE co-COON loom's STAID ad-DRESS
ce-LEST-ial BLISS, we BUZZED God's PRAY-er VAULT..........but your point is salient. Thanks for the input...you've helped tremendously!
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