The Ikea Girl & Her Book of Dreams
#1
[font=Helvetica Neue]From an orbiting piece of sphere-shaped grass.[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]There are children playing along the rotation[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]of the sun, where others are flying kites.[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]And seeing the rest of the stars in the night sky[/font]

[font=Helvetica Neue]From an orbiting piece of spherical terrace.[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]One sits there thinking of the Book of Dreams.[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]What that is is a book that can transport others[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]to distant, twisted, places in the world.[/font]

[font=Helvetica Neue]The girl thinks to herself of a plane across time.[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]Wherever it is, it is someplace, thinking of dreams.[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]Her wavy brown hair smells like reeds[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]and is inviting other kids on the spherical grass.[/font]

[font=Helvetica Neue]And as she reclines on her back over the night.[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]She hears the scoffing of other people outside.[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]The voices so high in her ear she became enamored.[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]And so, the orbiting piece of spherical grass[/font]

[font=Helvetica Neue]bends and whirls, conjuring a knot of funny words.[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]coming out of her mouth, oh—know the Book of Dreams.[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]She sits there still remembering the Book of Dreams.[/font]
#2
Sorry but how do I get rid of these fonts and these = signs?

Welcome, PIM

Not sure what causes that formatting code to show up.  I've seen it happen to other posts.  Most likely something to do with the source document.  What word processing software did you use to write it?

Anyway, Here's a clean version you could copy and paste into your original post:


From an orbiting piece of sphere-shaped grass.
There are children playing along the rotation
of the sun, where others are flying kites.
And seeing the rest of the stars in the night sky

From an orbiting piece of spherical terrace.
One sits there thinking of the Book of Dreams.
What that is is a book that can transport others
to distant, twisted, places in the world.

The girl thinks to herself of a plane across time.
Wherever it is, it is someplace, thinking of dreams.
Her wavy brown hair smells like reeds
and is inviting other kids on the spherical grass.

And as she reclines on her back over the night.
She hears the scoffing of other people outside.
The voices so high in her ear she became enamored.
And so, the orbiting piece of spherical grass

bends and whirls, conjuring a knot of funny words.
coming out of her mouth, oh—know the Book of Dreams.
She sits there still remembering the Book of Dreams.

I will come back later with comments.
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
#3
From an orbiting piece of sphere-shaped grass.*** (incomplete sentence)     I was immediately taken in by this first image
There are children playing along the rotation
of the sun, where others are flying kites.***  don't need the period  
And seeing the rest of the stars in the night sky

From an orbiting piece of spherical terrace.
One sits there thinking of the Book of Dreams.       She ?
What that is is a book that can transport others
to distant, twisted, places in the world.                  drop the second comma

The girl thinks to herself of a plane across time.
Wherever it is, it is someplace, thinking of dreams.
Her wavy brown hair smells like reeds
and is inviting other kids on the spherical grass.         and invites ?

And as she reclines on her back over the night.***
She hears the scoffing of other people outside.
The voices so high in her ear she became enamored.     becomes
And so, the orbiting piece of spherical grass

bends and whirls, conjuring a knot of funny words.***   drop the period
coming out of her mouth, oh—know the Book of Dreams.      unclear how the Book of Dreams fits into this line
She sits there still remembering the Book of Dreams.           I don't think this line adds anything to what you've already said.

Hello again PIM,

This is a promising draft.  There are some problems with your punctuation; *** indicates where you've place periods at the end of incomplete sentences, or where it should just be a comma, or nothing.

I mostly am suggesting cuts as you can see.

So those are the problems (in my opinion).  

Problems aside, it's a very engaging poem.  I love the imagery all the way down the line and the narrative is equally attractive.  I really like the title too.

Thanks for posting and keep at it!
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
#4
(07-06-2021, 10:59 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  From an orbiting piece of sphere-shaped grass.*** (incomplete sentence)     I was immediately taken in by this first image
There are children playing along the rotation
of the sun, where others are flying kites.***  don't need the period  
And seeing the rest of the stars in the night sky

From an orbiting piece of spherical terrace.
One sits there thinking of the Book of Dreams.       She ?
What that is is a book that can transport others
to distant, twisted, places in the world.                  drop the second comma

The girl thinks to herself of a plane across time.
Wherever it is, it is someplace, thinking of dreams.
Her wavy brown hair smells like reeds
and is inviting other kids on the spherical grass.         and invites ?

And as she reclines on her back over the night.***
She hears the scoffing of other people outside.
The voices so high in her ear she became enamored.     becomes
And so, the orbiting piece of spherical grass

bends and whirls, conjuring a knot of funny words.***   drop the period
coming out of her mouth, oh—know the Book of Dreams.      unclear how the Book of Dreams fits into this line
She sits there still remembering the Book of Dreams.           I don't think this line adds anything to what you've already said.

Hello again PIM,

This is a promising draft.  There are some problems with your punctuation; *** indicates where you've place periods at the end of incomplete sentences, or where it should just be a comma, or nothing.

I mostly am suggesting cuts as you can see.

So those are the problems (in my opinion).  

Problems aside, it's a very engaging poem.  I love the imagery all the way down the line and the narrative is equally attractive.  I really like the title too.

Thanks for posting and keep at it!

Thanks, I thought the poem needed more work than it should, I still feel like the punctuation was fine but I didn't realise the incomplete sentence in the beginning of the poem.
#5
(07-06-2021, 11:21 AM)Poetry In Motion Wrote:  [font=Helvetica Neue]From an orbiting piece of sphere-shaped grass.[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]There are children playing along the rotation[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]of the sun, where others are flying kites.[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]And seeing the rest of the stars in the night sky[/font]

[font=Helvetica Neue]From an orbiting piece of spherical terrace.[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]One sits there thinking of the Book of Dreams.[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]What that is is a book that can transport others[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]to distant, twisted, places in the world.[/font]

[font=Helvetica Neue]The girl thinks to herself of a plane across time.[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]Wherever it is, it is someplace, thinking of dreams.[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]Her wavy brown hair smells like reeds[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]and is inviting other kids on the spherical grass.[/font]

[font=Helvetica Neue]And as she reclines on her back over the night.[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]She hears the scoffing of other people outside.[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]The voices so high in her ear she became enamored.[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]And so, the orbiting piece of spherical grass[/font]

[font=Helvetica Neue]bends and whirls, conjuring a knot of funny words.[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]coming out of her mouth, oh—know the Book of Dreams.[/font]
[font=Helvetica Neue]She sits there still remembering the Book of Dreams.[/font]

I enjoy the evanescent, dreamy quality of this work; it was a pleasure to read! I will critique its  lines directly. Thank you for sharing this.




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