7-5-21
#1
Edit (Knot,Mark,PIM)

lone inukshuk
painted in northern lights--
directing wise men


Original...

a lone Inukshuk
painted under northern lights--
directing wise men
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#2
(07-06-2021, 10:08 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  a lone Inukshuk
painted under northern lights--
directing wise men

Had to look it up.  An arresting image, particularly when comparing/contrasting the Aurora Borealis with that stellar conjunction (or whatever it was) over 2000 years ago - spread out all over the sky and spectacular, but... local color.  And not yielding a clear direction...
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#3
(07-07-2021, 09:43 PM)dukealien Wrote:  
(07-06-2021, 10:08 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  a lone Inukshuk
painted under northern lights--
directing wise men
Had to look it up.  An arresting image, particularly when comparing/contrasting the Aurora Borealis with that stellar conjunction (or whatever it was) over 2000 years ago - spread out all over the sky and spectacular, but... local color.  And not yielding a clear direction...
Thanks for that Duke. In fact, it's the Inukshuk giving direction. It was/is their purpose. The AB merely illuminates the director. I know you're a grammar guru so it worries me a little that you read the lights as directing. I might have been guilty of mixing genres here; the line last opens up too many questions for a haiku to answer.

Paul
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#4
(07-08-2021, 07:29 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  
(07-07-2021, 09:43 PM)dukealien Wrote:  
(07-06-2021, 10:08 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  a lone Inukshuk
painted under northern lights--
directing wise men

Had to look it up.  An arresting image, particularly when comparing/contrasting the Aurora Borealis with that stellar conjunction (or whatever it was) over 2000 years ago - spread out all over the sky and spectacular, but... local color.  And not yielding a clear direction...

Thanks for that Duke. In fact, it's the Inukshuk giving direction. It was/is their purpose. The AB merely illuminates the director. I know you're a grammar guru so it worries me a little that you read the lights as directing. I might have been guilty of mixing genres here; the line last opens up too many questions for a haiku to answer.

Paul

With the additional information that the inukshuk (does written Inuit capitalize nouns?) is directional, the em dash (represented here by double-dash) is sufficient.  I didn't read enough of the Wiki to find that out  Blush
feedback award Non-practicing atheist
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#5
Hi Tiger,
nothing to add but a thumbs up
(I didn't have a problem with who was doing the directing, 'under' on the other hand Smile ).

Best, Knot
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#6
(07-09-2021, 11:07 PM)Knot Wrote:  Hi Tiger,
nothing to add but a thumbs up
(I didn't have a problem with who was doing the directing, 'under' on the other hand Smile ).

Best, Knot
Thanks Knot. I agree that "under" has a slight awkwardness to it. Still thinking on that line, but most of my options have some downside or other. This is why I'm usually against rigidly sticking to 5-7-5. "In" would actually be better than "under".
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#7
(07-10-2021, 02:47 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  "In" would actually be better than "under".
Would 'in the' work?
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#8
(07-10-2021, 02:53 AM)Knot Wrote:  
(07-10-2021, 02:47 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  "In" would actually be better than "under".
Would 'in the' work?
It would. But I try to avoid filler words for the sake of syllable count. I already have "a" in line one. I'm more inclined to present it like this...

lone Inukshuk
painted in northern lights--
directing wise men

feels a lesser compromise.
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#9
(07-10-2021, 03:27 AM)Tiger the Lion Wrote:  feels a lesser compromise.
Granted.
I suppose it all comes down to how critical 'painted' is.

Just a thought

Inukshuk watching
the glow of northern lights
directing wise men.

Best, Knot

.
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#10
Hi Paul, 

great image you've got here, I agree that inukshuk should not be capitalised and I also agree that you should drop the 'a' from line one but it's nothing major.

cheers for the read,

Mark
feedback award way aye man
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#11
I agree, I think the 'a' should be dropped, makes it a more punchier read.

Thanks for sharing,
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#12
A good reminder that marrying yourself to a syllable count is not always fruitful. Glad for the reminder.
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