Venus Speed Trap
#1
On an autobahn of sex,
soul-stained and monkey-wrenched,
smashed on a windshield,
reborn in constant desire, 
indifferent to lush grasses and hot asphalt
I buzz back at the glass
behind which lies consummation.  
My ancestral ghosts, hard as dry glue,
adhere to the sweet invisibility
that denies me that hothouse flesh.
Dissolve me with chemicals,
wipe my dead away,
but I will aim myself again
and forever at that point  
of no return.  Better to 
succumb to the obliteration
of that silicate kiss 
than to save my soul for an insect sky.




On an autobahn of imagined sex,

soul-stained and monkey-wrenched,

I am a bug smashed on a windshield.

Reborn, always with wings, 

indifferent to lush grasses and hot asphalt

I buzz back at the glass

behind which lies  consummation.  

My dried ghosts 

adhere to the sweet clarity

that denies me that hothouse flesh.

Dissolve me with chemicals,

wipe me away,

no matter, I will aim myself again

and forever at that point  

of no return.  Better to 

succumb to the obliteration

of that silicate kiss 

than to save my soul for an insect sky.









Perplexed,

soul-stained and monkey-wrenched,

I feel like a bug

smashed on the windshield

of Eros.  Reborn, always

with wings, indifferent to

lush grasses and hot asphalt

I kamikaze back at that glass

behind which lies 

consummation.  All across it

my dried ghosts 

collude to the clarity

of an illusory Eden.

Dissolve me with chemicals,

wipe me away,

no matter, I aim myself again

and forever at that point 

of no return.  Better to 

succumb to the obliteration

of its silicate kiss than

fly into the impossible sun.


“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
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#2
.
Hi Tqb,
enjoyed the read.
Some suggestions


soul-stained and monkey-wrenched, ........ love the line, think it should be the opening.
I feel like a bug ......................................... given all that follows 'feel' seems out of place. 'am'?
smashed on the windshield of Eros. ........ any way to get 'Eros' into the title?

across it my dried ghosts ......................... could be phrased better, I think (alongside all of my dried ghosts /which colllude ... ?)
collude to the clarity ............................... collude to ?
of an illusory Eden. ................................ not keen on Eden after Eros, get your mythologies straight!

Dissolve me with chemicals,
wipe me away, no matter,
[Reborn] I aim myself again

and forever at that point ...................... this seems the same as the kamikaze to consummation idea.
of no return. Better to
succumb to the obliteration

than fly into the impossible sun. ....... Sun? Where'd that come from? (And to, thrice in three lines?)


Which all trranslates to

soul-stained and monkey-wrenched
and feeling like a bug
smashed on the windshield

where all my dried up ghosts
collude to the clarity
of this illusory Eden

You can dissolve me
with your chemicals, wash me
away, no matter

I will be reborn
and aim myself again
and forever at that point

of no return.  It is better
to succumb to that obliteration
than fly into the impossible sun.



Best, Knot


.
Reply
#3
(07-07-2021, 09:38 PM)Knot Wrote:  .
Hi Tqb,
enjoyed the read.
Some suggestions


soul-stained and monkey-wrenched, ........ love the line, think it should be the opening.
I feel like a bug ......................................... given all that follows 'feel' seems out of place. 'am'?
smashed on the windshield of Eros. ........ any way to get 'Eros' into the title?

across it my dried ghosts ......................... could be phrased better, I think (alongside all of my dried ghosts /which colllude ... ?)
collude to the clarity ............................... collude to ?
of an illusory Eden. ................................ not keen on Eden after Eros, get your mythologies straight!

Dissolve me with chemicals,
wipe me away, no matter,
[Reborn] I aim myself again

and forever at that point ...................... this seems the same as the kamikaze to consummation idea.
of no return. Better to
succumb to the obliteration

than fly into the impossible sun. ....... Sun? Where'd that come from? (And to, thrice in three lines?)


Which all trranslates to

soul-stained and monkey-wrenched
and feeling like a bug
smashed on the windshield

where all my dried up ghosts
collude to the clarity
of this illusory Eden

You can dissolve me
with your chemicals, wash me
away, no matter

I will be reborn
and aim myself again
and forever at that point

of no return.  It is better
to succumb to that obliteration
than fly into the impossible sun.



Best, Knot


.

Thanks Knot.  I decided to be....blunt.  So, while I admire your distillation, I'm going go for something I think is more direct....maybe.  If that doesn't seem to work, well, I'm getting pretty amenable to this revision business.
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
Reply
#4
.
Hi TqB,
no problem with blunt Smile
but don't see L5-7 like that, autobahn/grasses, asphalt?
always with wings, - this is redundant : bug plus windshield equal wings.
and you've similar repetitions to the original;L6-7 and 9-10 for instance

And the ending, inevitable death (with no prospect of consummation) versus ... what?


so ...

soul-stained and monkey-wrenched,
on an autobahn of imagined sex,
I am a windshield bug Reborn,

Dissolve me with chemicals,
wipe me away, no matter,
I will aim myself again

and forever at that point
of no return.


(Not seeing the 'complex' here. More a 'Venus drives a Mustang' vibe)


Best, Knot


.

Reply
#5
(07-07-2021, 08:55 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  On an autobahn of sex,                   Fantastic opening line, underscores the transience and speed inherent in the bug life, and ours.
soul-stained and monkey-wrenched, 
smashed on a windshield,
reborn in constant desire, 
indifferent to lush grasses and hot asphalt
I buzz back at the glass
behind which lies consummation.  
My ancestral ghosts, hard as dry glue, Phenomenal image.
adhere to the sweet invisibility
that denies me that hothouse flesh. hothouse flesh is visceral for me.
Dissolve me with chemicals,
wipe my dead away,
but I will aim myself again
and forever at that point  
of no return.  Better to 
succumb to the obliteration
of that silicate kiss  silicate kiss, I love the gliss and sibilance here, internal rhyme and alliteration
than to save my soul for an insect sky. He thereby embraces his authenticity? rejects the "herd-instinct?"




On an autobahn of imagined sex,

soul-stained and monkey-wrenched,

I am a bug smashed on a windshield.

Reborn, always with wings, 

indifferent to lush grasses and hot asphalt

I buzz back at the glass

behind which lies  consummation.  

My dried ghosts 

adhere to the sweet clarity

that denies me that hothouse flesh.

Dissolve me with chemicals,

wipe me away,

no matter, I will aim myself again

and forever at that point  

of no return.  Better to 

succumb to the obliteration

of that silicate kiss 

than to save my soul for an insect sky.









Perplexed,

soul-stained and monkey-wrenched,

I feel like a bug

smashed on the windshield

of Eros.  Reborn, always

with wings, indifferent to

lush grasses and hot asphalt

I kamikaze back at that glass

behind which lies 

consummation.  All across it

my dried ghosts 

collude to the clarity

of an illusory Eden.

Dissolve me with chemicals,

wipe me away,

no matter, I aim myself again

and forever at that point 

of no return.  Better to 

succumb to the obliteration

of its silicate kiss than

fly into the impossible sun.


This poem is replete with superb imagery. I envy your talent, tqb.....I will re-read your re-writes and critique further. Enjoyed this work immensely! Perhaps this is a commentary on the human condition as well.......or, rather, it is just exactly that.
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#6
(07-07-2021, 08:55 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  On an autobahn of sex, (That is a really startling image, way to go! Really great use of metaphor)
soul-stained and monkey-wrenched,
smashed on a windshield,
reborn in constant desire, 
indifferent to lush grasses and hot asphalt
I buzz back at the glass (What do you mean you buzz back at the glass?)
behind which lies consummation.  
My ancestral ghosts, hard as dry glue,
adhere to the sweet invisibility (What makes invisibility sweet?)
that denies me that hothouse flesh.
Dissolve me with chemicals,
wipe my dead away,
but I will aim myself again
and forever at that point  
of no return.  Better to 
succumb to the obliteration
of that silicate kiss 
than to save my soul for an insect sky. (What is an insect sky? Can you be more specific?)

I think this poem has some interesting elements in here, I also find that you use a ton of metaphor and also by the way I would change sweet to divine invisibility as that works better. But to what I was saying: this poem is really nice and the effortless flow you put in here is really quite something. Thanks for sharing.
Reply
#7
This poem is replete with superb imagery. I envy your talent, tqb.....I will re-read your re-writes and critique further. Enjoyed this work immensely! Perhaps this is a commentary on the human condition as well.......or, rather, it is just exactly that.
[/quote]

Thanks for reading Brian.  Sorry I'm so long in acknowlegding it.

(07-24-2021, 01:04 PM)Poetry In Motion Wrote:  
(07-07-2021, 08:55 PM)TranquillityBase Wrote:  On an autobahn of sex, (That is a really startling image, way to go! Really great use of metaphor)
soul-stained and monkey-wrenched,
smashed on a windshield,
reborn in constant desire, 
indifferent to lush grasses and hot asphalt
I buzz back at the glass (What do you mean you buzz back at the glass?)     perhaps it should be "back against the glass"
behind which lies consummation.  
My ancestral ghosts, hard as dry glue,
adhere to the sweet invisibility (What makes invisibility sweet?)      i like your idea to use "divine invisiblity"
that denies me that hothouse flesh.
Dissolve me with chemicals,
wipe my dead away,
but I will aim myself again
and forever at that point  
of no return.  Better to 
succumb to the obliteration
of that silicate kiss 
than to save my soul for an insect sky. (What is an insect sky? Can you be more specific?)        would "insects' sky" be better?

I think this poem has some interesting elements in here, I also find that you use a ton of metaphor and also by the way I would change sweet to divine invisibility as that works better. But to what I was saying: this poem is really nice and the effortless flow you put in here is really quite something. Thanks for sharing.

Thanks PIM. 
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
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