From when
#1
From when I was in love - 
one long lost
murky summer
I remember the pearls,
the bling, the crash, the kindling -
then dwindling 
flame of love. O time,
great falsifier, who brings all things to dust,
even black Cleopatra, 
arch eyed in her rage
and Troilus on the walls of Troy -
you bleed words out of me
like dirt from clothes,
against a life gathering layers of fat for the winter.
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#2
Busker,
I don't quite get the Troilus reference, even after reading up on him, but I've really enjoyed this poem multiple times over.
TqB 
“All persons, living or dead, are entirely coincidental.”  Kurt Vonnegut
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#3
Really enjoying this one, Busker. 
I know it's in MISC but I didn't think you'd mind a few inline observations.


(07-07-2021, 06:45 PM)busker Wrote:  From when I was in love - 
one long lost my tongue twists a little here. a few ways you could go. my gut wants to strike "long" 
murky summer
I remember the pearls,
the bling, the crash, the kindling -
then dwindling this flourish is my favorite part - the inline rhyme, with a third for emphasis. - the whole thing sounds like "bling"
flame of love. O time,
great falsifier, who brings all things to dust,
even black Cleopatra, 
arch eyed in her rage
and Troilus on the walls of Troy -
you bleed words out of me would prefer "from me" to "out of me"
like dirt from clothes,
against a life gathering layers of fat for the winter. stronger without
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#4
(07-07-2021, 06:45 PM)busker Wrote:  From when I was in love - 
one long lost
murky summer
I remember the pearls,
the bling, the crash, the kindling -
then dwindling 
flame of love. O time,
great falsifier, who brings all things to dust,
even black Cleopatra, 
arch eyed in her rage
and Troilus on the walls of Troy -
you bleed words out of me
like dirt from clothes,
against a life gathering layers of fat for the winter.
Genuinely superb...this level of poetry invites compulsive readings. Well done.
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#5
Thanks, TqB and Tiger
I like the changes suggested, Tiger.
I’ve been meaning to acknowledge, but wasn’t getting around to it.

Brian - glad you liked it
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#6
would punctuate differently: move dash after "kindling" to after "summer", put comma instead after "kindling" (and add "the" before dwindling), then....well, while shakespeare's troilus and cressida remains an obscure favourite for me, i'm not sure either Cleo or my boi Troi are really needed here, as they seem to me to illustrate by allusion what the rest of the poem already illustrates more plainly by metaphor. they might be the point -- it is titled "from *when*", after all -- in which case i dunno, i feel like it'd be more compelling to draw it out, to really put the focus on them (and also to order them chronologically xD).

sorta get why "bling" is there, but "pearls", "bling", and "crash" sound like they could be constructed or ordered differently. and that last line: i get why winter is in there, but it feels like you didn't need to mix metaphors that much, as i don't think "gathering layers of fat" refers to anything else in the piece like "winter" circles back to "summer".

overall, this feels like that sort of stab in the dark you implicitly challenged yourself into making in your thread "elegant nonsense". it either works or it doesn't, and it's a matter of taste and history (but not quite history of taste) to determine if it doesn't -- stuff i'd rather not venture into, for fear of growing more narcissistic. 

but, answering that other thread, and in a sense tied to this too: personal tragedy done well has a nasty tendency to survive the ages. epic poetry is probably a young man's game; pious poetry is a matter of taste and history in a very different sense from everything else; and romantic poetry is certainly all about play acting (the inversion here is deliberate, btw xD). and then you have Perle and The Tempest and perhaps even Henry VIII, which seem, for all their fantasies, *very* personal, and very *tragic* -- i suspect this piece has the same sort of subject matter, albeit told through a romantic, which in one's old age would be merely ironic, lens. not sure what direction that should take you, though -- sincerity, splendor: that stuff's too easy to fuck up.
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