Songs of Sacrifice

[TranquillityBase]

I.
Divine captive, I climb
the pyramid’s steps
amid drumbeats of 
silent witness.
Spread eagle on the altar
I see the sun rise
like a stone knife.
The ritual of killing 
anoints my fear
as feathered, bloodstained priests
hold high my flint-cut heart 
for Tlaloc’s satisfaction.
Ashes of muscle and blood
rise in sweetened smoke
to please the god.

My face is painted blue,
my mutilated body, buried 
beneath seeds
that will bind me to the sky.

II.

Emptied by sleep
I wander the parallels
of rain-skinned streets
a kingdom come
where the gods 
must sometimes weep.
My egypt heart is legion
and night is a hunger
slit sideways;
after fire and glad slavery
flesh becomes ashes
to resurrect sacrifice
and paralyze the divine:
insect eyes flicker
about the edges
of my knifing veins.
Dreams hold me still
to measure out dawn’s
mute warning
that I need wait no longer
for the killing to begin.

Night is a hunger

slit sideways;



My ghost wanders in parallel

the rain-skinned streets

punctuated by the stone temples

of a kingdom come.



After fire and glad slavery

ashes of muscle and blood

rise in sweetened smoke

to paralyze the gods:

their insect eyes 

flicker at the edges

of my knifing veins.



My tribal heart is legion

Its beats measure out

a dance for the naked messengers,

feathered, bloodstained priests

who held high my stone-cut heart 

for Tlaloc’s sky-borne satisfaction.



My tears are the rain to come,

my face will be painted blue

my body buried beneath the seeds

that will bind me to the sky.












My egypt heart is legion

to the lamb kill that dark is.



Night is a hunger

slit sideways;

after fire and glad slavery

ashes of muscle and blood

rise in the smoke of sacrifice

to paralyze the gods:

their insect eyes 

flicker about the edges

of my knifing veins.



Emptied by sleep

I wander in parallel

the rain-skinned tenement streets

of their kingdom come.



Within these walls

that collapse in every dream

and crush the breath

from their naked messengers

the gods must sometimes sleep.

[Knot]

.
Hi TqB.
On the understanding that I'm not understanding this ...

(Terrible title, natch )


after fire and glad slavery .......... echoes of Exodus? Should it be 'bondage' for 'slavery'?
ashes of muscle and blood
rise in the smoke of sacrifice ........ I wonder if you can get away with cutting 'of sacrifice'?
to paralyze the gods: ..................... paralyse in the sense of placate?

their insect eyes
flicker about the edges .................. 'about'?
of my knifing veins. ..................... now it's a bit more meso-American than middle Eastern.
(and?)

Night is a hunger
slit sideways; .............................. very nice (shame more of the focus isn't on this).

Emptied by sleep
I wander in parallel ..................... 'parallel' seems from a different poem.
the rain-skinned streets
the [modifier] tenement
of their kingdom come.

Within these walls
that collapse in every dream
and crush the breath
from their naked messengers
the gods must sometimes sleep. ....... this is the weakest section, to me. Do you need to repeat 'sleep'?

My egypt heart is legion .................. 'Egypt'.
to the lamb kill that dark is. ........... I think this line undercuts the strong start (should it be Lamb-kill?)


Best, Knot


.

[TranquillityBase]

.
Hi TqB.
On the understanding that I'm not understanding this ...    I like to read what I don't understand, so I guess it carries over to what I write.

(Terrible title, natch ) .   I think I'll just give up on titles 


after fire and glad slavery .......... echoes of Exodus? Should it be 'bondage' for 'slavery'?  I like the sound of "glad slavery"
ashes of muscle and blood
rise in the smoke of sacrifice ........ I wonder if you can get away with cutting 'of sacrifice'?  yes I think so
to paralyze the gods: ..................... paralyse in the sense of placate?  more like reducing their power

their insect eyes
flicker about the edges .................. 'about'? "at" would be simpler
of my knifing veins. ..................... now it's a bit more meso-American than middle Eastern.
(and?)

Night is a hunger
slit sideways; .............................. very nice (shame more of the focus isn't on this).  thinking about making this the first line

Emptied by sleep
I wander in parallel ..................... 'parallel' seems from a different poem.
the rain-skinned streets
the [modifier] tenement
of their kingdom come.

Within these walls
that collapse in every dream
and crush the breath
from their naked messengers
the gods must sometimes sleep. ....... this is the weakest section, to me. Do you need to repeat 'sleep'?  You are so right, but I needed confirmation

My egypt heart is legion .................. 'Egypt'.
to the lamb kill that dark is. ........... I think this line undercuts the strong start (should it be Lamb-kill?)  Not sure what to do with these lines.  They initated the poem, but maybe they've done its job and need to go away.

Best, Knot

Revision will probably not be any more clear since I am fond of obscurity, but as always, thank you for reading and critiquing.  I know it's not your kind of poem and I appreciate that you would give it your time.  I'm going to take your "meso-American" and run with it.

[Knot]

.
Hi TqB,

I like to read what I don't understand, so I guess it carries over to what I write.

As far as reading goes, I'm rarely bothered if I understand a piece, or not - but it does make critiquing very tricky.

They initated the poem, but maybe they've done its job and need to go away.

Yes. Certainly worth ditching them (if only for a while). You can always restore them later. That's the nice thing about editing, it's never final.

My egypt heart is legion ... has something of a title about it (but not for a meso-American piece).

thinking about making this the first line

That was my first thought too, but then I ran into the limits of my 'understanding' so couldn't be sure it would work. If you think it will, go for it. Excellent way to begin.


Best, Knot

.

[TranquillityBase]

I've revised this into a different direction.  But is it the right direction?

[Knot]

.

Hi TqB.

I like the new direction (and the title. Yes, really.) but 'Song' suggests a regularity that's absent here.

Easily fixed?

Just a thought ...

My tears are the rain to come,

my face will be painted blue

my body buried 'neath the seeds

that bind me to the sky.

My naked heart will measure

a dance of bloodstained priests,

of feathered messengers

the sky-borne's satisfaction ......... not keen on 'satisfaction'.

My ghost will ...

................................................not keen on 'punctuation', can't connect it to 'rain-skinned' (and is this rain the same as the 'rain to come'?)

After fire and glad slavery

ashes of muscle and blood

rise in sweetened smoke

to paralyze the gods: ......................can you re-frame this so it comes from N's pov?

Night is a hunger

slit sideways;


Best, Knot

.

[Mark A Becker]

Hey Tim-
Interesting piece.  I read this as a description of a sacrifice to the ancient Aztec god of rain, Tlaloc.

Night is a hunger
slit sideways;  very cool opening, but I'm unsure what "hunger" is doing in this poem. Maybe " Night is laid open,..."

My ghost wanders in parallel 
the rain-skinned streets
punctuated by the stone temples need another word for "punctuated"
of a kingdom come. line doesn't add and is not needed

After fire and glad slavery "glad slavery" sounds good, but it's a very peculiar phrase (oxymoron?)
ashes of muscle and blood Are you a burnt offering here? Unclear as to what or who is being sacrificed. If these are animals (and not you, that needs to be clear)
rise in sweetened smoke
to paralyze the gods:  "paralyze" could be "appease"
their insect eyes
flicker at the edges  can "lightning" work here?  Tlaloc is about to be mentioned...
of my knifing veins. "knifing veins" ?? maybe "knifed veins" (which doesn't read as smoothly as "knifing").  Might be best to just cut this line

My tribal heart is legion maybe a word other than "heart", as "heart" is repeated later. Perhaps "A tribal beat measures out..."
Its beats measure out
a dance for the naked messengers,
feathered, bloodstained priests
who held high my stone-cut heart
for Tlaloc’s sky-borne satisfaction.

My tears are the rain to come,hmm ?? How can you have tears when you've already been sacrificed? Unless animals were the previous burnt offering. Not clear.
my face will be painted blue
my body buried beneath the seeds confused again... weren't you burnt? are you ashes or body?
that will bind me to the sky. cool line.  I really do think your ghost should come after this this: "My ghost still wanders..."

The beginning-middle-end seem out of chronological order to me, as I would think the order would be: "tribal heart" - "after fire" - "ghost wanders" - "sky" 

I haven't read the previous versions, or the other critiques, so I'm approaching this piece "brand new".

Thanks for the story,
Mark

[TranquillityBase]

Thanks Mark and Knot,

This is (was) something I preserved from years (decades) ago.  Although it's hard to let go of some of these lines, your suggestions are very helpful.  But I will put them in a jar and save them for another poem.

It will be interesting to see what is left of the original by the time I find the place where it is going to end.

TqB

*********************************************************************************************

I decided I wanted to have it both ways.  I'm going to put this one aside for a while.  Thanks for all your critiques.

[Poetry In Motion]

I.
Divine captive, I climb
the pyramid’s steps
amid drumbeats of 
silent witness.
Spread eagle on the altar
I see the sun rise
like a stone knife.
The ritual of killing 
anoints my fear
as feathered, bloodstained priests
hold high my flint-cut heart 
for Tlaloc’s satisfaction.
Ashes of muscle and blood
rise in sweetened smoke
to please the god.

My face is painted blue,
my mutilated body, buried 
beneath seeds
that will bind me to the sky.

II.

Emptied by sleep
I wander the parallels
of rain-skinned streets
a kingdom come
where the gods 
must sometimes weep.
My egypt heart is legion
and night is a hunger
slit sideways;
after fire and glad slavery
flesh becomes ashes
to resurrect sacrifice
and paralyze the divine:
insect eyes flicker
about the edges
of my knifing veins.
Dreams hold me still
to measure out dawn’s
mute warning
that I need wait no longer
for the killing to begin.

Night is a hunger

slit sideways;



My ghost wanders in parallel

the rain-skinned streets

punctuated by the stone temples

of a kingdom come.



After fire and glad slavery

ashes of muscle and blood

rise in sweetened smoke

to paralyze the gods:

their insect eyes 

flicker at the edges

of my knifing veins.



My tribal heart is legion

Its beats measure out

a dance for the naked messengers,

feathered, bloodstained priests

who held high my stone-cut heart 

for Tlaloc’s sky-borne satisfaction.



My tears are the rain to come,

my face will be painted blue

my body buried beneath the seeds

that will bind me to the sky.












My egypt heart is legion

to the lamb kill that dark is.



Night is a hunger

slit sideways;

after fire and glad slavery

ashes of muscle and blood

rise in the smoke of sacrifice

to paralyze the gods:

their insect eyes 

flicker about the edges

of my knifing veins.



Emptied by sleep

I wander in parallel

the rain-skinned tenement streets

of their kingdom come.



Within these walls

that collapse in every dream

and crush the breath

from their naked messengers

the gods must sometimes sleep.

Well I find that this poem is rather interesting but there are so many flaws in this piece that I cannot comprehend or even need to do any analyzing since most of it was done for me. I hope that my critique is helpful at least. I will echo what everyone else has said. Despite that the poem is beautifully rendered and has some nice imagery here and there. I like the ascension of getting from one pyramid to another. And the fact that you say you want the killing to begin which is what the whole vocal point of poem is about.

This is insufficient critique for this forum. 
—admin.

[TranquillityBase]

Well I find that this poem is rather interesting but there are so many flaws in this piece that I cannot comprehend or even need to do any analyzing since most of it was done for me. I hope that my critique is helpful at least. I will echo what everyone else has said. Despite that the poem is beautifully rendered and has some nice imagery here and there. I like the ascension of getting from one pyramid to another. And the fact that you say you want the killing to begin which is what the whole vocal point of poem is about.

Thanks for reading.  I addressed the comments in the critiques as best I could (excepting those I simply don't agree with), so your ideas on the flaws would be welcome even if repetitive.  As I said, I'm kind of tired of revising this one, but that doesn't mean I've given up on it.